1) so you "Don't like confrontation"? In that comment, there is almost an implication that a bunch of us DO. And it's false. Not many people and I daresay no one healthy, enjoys confronting. Honestly, FEW of us LIKE it. I hate it but I have to do it. It's part of being an adult, communicating my needs to the world b/c they are not filled with mind readers and it's not other's jobs to KNOW what I want or feel. I have to OWN what I want and express it, or disagree w/someone else if need be, etc. I cannot resent someone for not knowing what I want/feel or need. But I have to be prepared to express my wants/needs and feelings AND NOT have them met anyhow...b/c that's life too.
A source of some long standing underlying issues in my marriage stemmed from my h's inability to deal with confrontation. His father was a bully and his mother was a bit unstable and weak. He did not know how to find another path and it took us years to realize some of the deep long term damage that has done.
In fact I only learned of some of his hidden problems a few years ago and they explained so much I wish I had known sooner. So much MORE DAMAGE b/c he wanted to avoid some discomfort early on. There would have been some awkward moments or days, but instead, b/c he misled me and his mother (on religious issues I knew nothing of) there were YEARS of distrust and resentment. One small example is when my h did not tell me that his mother wanted our children baptized in his church. So they were not.
Truth be told, I'd have had NO problem with it! So the irony is that in an effort to avoid a short term awkward unpleasant event (meaning me refusing to have them baptized in both churches) he created a long term problem b/c his mother thought I had refused his request AND on top of that, his fears were unfounded too.
Some of that may apply to your sitch. Don't let fears control you. It usually (always?) makes it worse than facing the fears would have.
2) you ask about the time apart & whether it'll help yet you KNOW too much time together is happening now AND it's hurting...so what that means to me is that you FEAR she'll like being apart.
Stop letting your fear that she'll love being away from you more than with you, keep you stuck.
She might! And she might change too.
What we can surmise with some certainty is that she's MORE likely to want to escape you, if you keep up the pressure and force your presence on her so much. If you remove her choice to have some time apart, you will likely corner her into making a far more drastic choice.
3) To echo what Sandi said about being needy...it is NOT at all attractive AND it sounds in your case, as if you are maybe too co-dependent. Huge turn off. The "I'm super NEEEEDY" for hugs, affection and being in her presence is simply you saying you need constant reassurances of what she cannot give you at the moment.
Stop highlighting that.
There's a book on "Co-Dependent, No More" and that, along with the DB book (first read the DB book) and then Five Love Languages are going to be helpful to you. THere are many positives in your situation!
But you have to stop taking polls from strangers or other marrieds who maybe have worse problems or not, or taking the temperature of your marriage with your wife.
She won't know how she's going to feel the next day or week, so leave her alone about whether you think she thinks there's a chance, etc. Too much guesswork to your detriment.
BTW- In 2006 I gave my marriage a "10% chance of surviving" and I told my family that...so
don't fixate on that right now. Focus on the good stuff, which is her willingness to go,
her positive comments, NO OPs that we know of, and frankly all I've heard from her is the truth that you did not admit to.
I mean, YOU said there were problems from a few years ago. But you "don't like" confrontation so you were content to shove them under the rug.
Thankfully, instead of her seething in rage and all her unmet needs and keeping score so she could justify leaving you, or keeping it all to herself or cheating,
she finally reaches out and says "hey I'm not happy and can we get help?"
That's HUGELY POSITIVE
and if it creates changes in you that you need/want to make anyhow, see this as the gift it can be. See this and make it the gift it can be. The gift of change.
I can tell you for sure I'm a better woman for having gone through that horrible ordeal a few years back. (Granted, I would prefer a different catalyst for change, but...wth? We get what we get and do with it what we can).
And to the 37 rules you have, I'd add these 3:
38. Do Not convince yourself that being miserable or sad shows how much you care for your spouse. It only shows neediness, not love. And, It's not attractive or appealing, period.
39. If there is OW/OM in the picture, do Not focus on them. BE the better choice, which means becoming a spouse only a fool would leave.
40. KNOW inside & out, that you really will be alright in the long run. KNOW that your personal work will yield good things, regardless of the choices others make. You will be happy again.
Hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow sandi and 25mlc I cannot tell you how glad I am that you came onto my thread and took the time to post what you did.
It has helped immensely! I have gone out and obtained 3 job interviews in my first week back in the job market, huge boost to the confidence and a big step in the right direction of my relationship.
I have realized throughout the past couple of weeks that one othe biggest turn offs I have is that I don't live in the moment enough, I tend to plan things out and cautiously do things when I am sure about them. I have stopped taking chances, stopped living life to the fullest. I told by wife yesterday that I was buying a mountain bike tomorrow. This is something I would have never done before without serious research and plannin budget wise. She looked at me and asked why. I told her because I had really enjoyed it and wanted to do it more. She smiled and we continued talking to eachother about things we wanted to do together but have put off (more than likely because of me).
It was a great ride home.
I feel better now but I know my work is still long and difficult. I have a problem with being needy, a lot of it stems from previous relationships. I also have a problem where I don't live in the moment and work on ME!
With the help from my best friends and the help of total strangers who listen to me rant and provide amazing advice I KNOW I will pull through this. My main thing I am grateful for is that my wife has the courage to come forward and tell me everything she was feeling even though it would have been easier to keep it inside and just work on leaving me. This is further proof of how lucky I am and how my changes need to be permanent and sincere.
I am sure I will be on here further with many more questions on the road ahead but for now I feel confident that I will become a better person and we will become a stronger couple.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
So today is the same as it ever was... A little cold, no initiation of contact or "I love yous". So strange to me because I was used to hearing that alllllll the time lol... Now I am lucky to get an I love you a few times in a week..
She called me babe on a VM yesterday though, I liked that. Means there is still some sort of physical connector there. I look forward to our second first time together.
I am buying my mountain bike today and hitting the trails after work..
I have 2 interviews now this week! And I am less needy toward my wife than ever before..
We both agreed to a no strings attached date night for our anniversary next week, and we have another MC next week on Tuesday..
Hope to keep plugging away!
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Well patience patience patience... I have an interview with a new company today. It's a step in the rigt direction that's for sure. Wife is still "cold" towards me in the affection department.
We are going camping tomorrow with my family for my dads birthday. Then Thursday is our 4 year anniversary. Gonna be a weird day but I have already told her "no strings attached" just her and I on simple getting to know you "dates"
How am I doing folks?
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
Be careful not to become 'too distant'. You will need to know when to test the waters. Most of the women here can help you, and I know for sure sandi2 knows WHEN.
Hang in there...
In the meantime...what were your wife's complaints? (I haven't read EVERYTHING that you've posted, just didn't notice her basis...so if you've posted and don't mind reposting...or posting a link....but if you haven't posted her specific complaints (with women you might need to think back a bit)....and note what is going WELL. And you do seem to have some attractive positives going for you. )
Wishing you every good thing from divorcebusting.com staff -
She didn't really have any complaints when she told me dbmod... She told me she felt it was silly that she was feeling like this because of how much I support her, how much love I give her and how much I do around the house.
However the last three years the complaints have ranged from, too clingy, loss of independence, being set in a routine rut, pressuring her to have sex (she has slowly lost her sex appetite over the past 4 years).
I have gone over things a million times in my head. Overanalysing IMO.
She told me yesterday she wants to go on a yoga retreat for 5 days. This is MUCH better to me than the "let's live in seperate houses for a week" I got last week. In this past week though I have done several 180's including limiting physical contact, saying I love you back but not initiating it, and GAL. I think she has noticed and while the contact is still brief and the affection is stil non existing I feel much calm in knowing that she has been thinking about "us" in the future.
Time for camping!
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Backslid a little this morning. Went in for a spooning session while waking up even though she didn't seem to mind it didn't feel like she was into it.
I have slowly stopped noticing and thinking about what I am not getting in the relationship and starting to really focus on what I want in my life and how I want myself to be.
We went camping Saturday. She initiated a lot of contact, she had a few glasses of wine but it felt good. This week I have a proposal to write to a business owner on employment and a call back from another company about the job I interviewed for.
I think that step will severely help the relationship.
Patience, patience, give her space and let her see how awesome I am.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
