Newbie and ready for hard work

[dj21]

Today I get to practice those actions I have been working on with some lengthy contact with H. First of all, it takes me a while to process any conversation with him, I have to really focus on how I respond. That being said, I am seeing that I am not as reactive as before. It isn't so much that I am focusing on NOT being reactive, that is one of my goals, but broken down I try to find a way to respond that is POSSITIVE and not critical. I hope that makes sense, it seems to be a positive change for me, some of the things I would react to, just aren't worth my energy. H called me again yesterday, multiple calls this week has me a bit on edge. This is a double edged sword for me, I want more contact, but here I am getting it and I am nervous about keeping myself regulated and focused on my goals. H asked if there was anyway I could share taking care of our grandson during our D18's event this weekend, if I was willing to help him he would appreciate it. The thing is, I decided to attend the event last minute, I just found out about it this week and it is in another town. H, D18 and grandson will be staying the entire weekend, I would just be going over for one day. H told me that he doesn't need to be at the event all day today and that between us we could share the care of our grandson. H also said he was hoping I would be over there because he wants to talk to me about something. EEeeeek. H planned again, 2x this week he has asked a favor and had a plan. I used to be so critical of him for his lack of planning, I over planned everything. I am glad that I keep my mouth shut enough to let him talk, it was a relief to let him share the plan. First off, it made sense, and secondly I didn't feel the pressure of needing to take care of things. Here is where I am afraid, I want so badly to make this opportunity a positive interaction. I am afraid that I don't have a solid ground with some techniques to get me through an entire day of interaction. My goals are SO basic right now, eye contact, smile, no reaction, friendly and a 2 minute conversation. I am working on having no expectations, I am not there yet because I noticed I am expecting H to be friendly based on our interactions the last few days. I am also afraid that OW will be present, and how I would present myself in that situation. This is about our D18, and I know that is where my focus needs to be, but my reality is we won't be actually with her all day. I am all over the place this morning, I can't get my thoughts in order as I am typing. I have a 2 hour drive to the event so will have a lot of thinking time. I am going to do my index card trick and create some goals just for today. I am going to keep my focus on D18. I am going to stick to my goals regardless of presence of OW, I will be friendly and approachable no matter H's demeanor, I will not react. I hope these will get me through this day and that I come out at the end of today with a sense of accomplishment. I am nervous, scared, happy, and excited all at the same time....