To Lovingly Detach

[Arsene]

BTW, yesterday I did have a talk with W about D8 meeting OM. I was calm for most of it and I started by saying that I felt hurt when I found out that D8 had met OM. I said that in my opinion, it might be better, for now, not to see OM when she is with D8. I said that D8 had a lot of issues to work out and that this was probably another confusing issue for her. W became defensive and said she didn't see a problem with it. She then attacked me by saying that I didn't trust her judgment. I then lost it a bit by going on the defensive saying that I did but I didn't think that now was the time. I then tried to STFU but I got dragged into a bit of an argument, always maintaining my calm but I was a bit argumentative.

In the end, this is what transpired from the discussion. W feels like everyone is telling her what to do. Most of her friends and colleagues disagree with what she is doing from what she says, I think the only one to agree is OM. She is very angry at the world and she took all of this out on me, as if it was my fault. She's surprised because she is seen as the "baddy" by everyone in this whole affair. She's angry with me because people are backing me up (people I met over the years but people I don't really know well).

It appears she is keeping her affair secret but she is tired of it. She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her seeing OM as she said we are not married anymore and that she should be allowed to have a boyfriend and to introduce him to D8. Somewhere in there she said we should just get a divorce this way it would be clear cut.

I told her again that I didn't want one. She asked why and I said I had already told her. I still love her and support her. I still trust her and I know we can forgive each other and that I knew that some day, once she has figured out who she is and what she wants, that we could still have a marvelous future together. She said that I have to stop hoping for us to reconcile. That I have to move on. I told her I was not waiting. That I was living my life and trying to be the best man I could. She told me that she knew I was and that she had noticed but that it was too little too late. she had made her decision and she felt good about it and she was sticking to it no matter what everybody was saying.

I then said that if she really wanted a divorce she could have it. But I had to add that if we were divorced, I couldn't get my residency in this country and would have to leave. She then went quiet and dropped the divorce topic all together.

She again said that there was nothing wrong wth OM seeing' D8 and there, I made a mistake. I told her what I thought of OM. I told her that I thought that a man who walks out on a wife and 2 kids to start seeing a married woman is not the kind of character I wish my daughter to be familiar with. Wife was quiet and I continued by saying that I understood that she had moved on and saw nothing wrong with this but that I'd had only 1 month to adjust to the idea (STFU!!!).

In the end she said that I wanted this for myself not for D8 and she said that if it hurt me, for now, she would refrain, but she reiterated that D8 was fine with it and that this is not going to confuse her or harm her at all, in her opinion.

I didn't fight this. I left it at that and thanked her for listening.

Then she broke down in tears, saying that she wanted to be with D8 as well. That she didn't like just visiting like she did. That she loved D8 and missed her. I told her I understood and that D8 loved her very much.

As much as I could, i tried to validate by saying that I understood how she might feel and that I myself wasn't blaming her. I told her that in fact, she probably had to do what she did to wake me up and I thanked her for it.

She was in a sad mood and I decided to leave her and D8 and I went out to meet some friends.

As I'm writing this, I can see that I made many mistakes but that I will not make them again. Today I feel like I know what I have to do and in the end, all I can do is tell her how i feel. she'll end up doing what she wants and lie to me if she needs to. I can't do anything about that so I won't worry too much about it. I want to try and trust her as much as I can, hoping that D8 doesn't get in harm's way. There really is nothing I can do more than this. So I have to accept that.