To Lovingly Detach

[Arsene]

Well, I just had my first try at lovingly detaching with my new "awakening" and although W was a bit distant, I managed to act "as if" very well. Actually, it wasn't really acting "as if" as it's was the way I really felt. I had my meditation class in the morning and spent quite a bit of time going through meditation techniques during the day so I felt strong and confident.

When wife got here, me and D8 were going over her math. This is stuff that my W doesn't see when she says that D8 is fine with all of this. D8 went from being an "A" student to struggling in most subjects. When I picked her up from school today, she was in remedial because she'd failed an exam and the teacher told me some of the problems she had.

I guess that tonight it hit W a bit because usually, she was the one taking care of math with D8 (I did English, science, religion and history - I never liked math and used to get impatient when trying to work on that with D8) and now, as W walked in D8 and me were having a good old time doing math together. When W arrived, I exclaimed to D8 "Great, here is our math teacher!!!" and tried to get W involved with one of the exercises which D8 didn't understand. I wanted to include her in our fun and she somewhat did but after a while, she became impatient with D8 and D8 stopped making an effort and became grumpy and "tantrumy". That kind of put an end to the math lesson.

D8 continued having fits of temper and eventually, when she calmed down, W gave her candies that she'd bought for her. This upsets me a bit usually because we never spoiled D8 with candies and toys every time we went out but now, it's like W always brings some sort of crummy little toy or candies or chocolate. It's not that I mind so much but D8 needs time with her mom more than she needs cheap plastic knickknacks or candies. Nonetheless, I acted "as if" I was excited about D8's treats and left the room to go and play my guitar and leave them alone in the common room.

After a while W and D8 came into the room and W laid down on the bed so I left the room to go and practice in the common room. Then, I saw D8 playing alone out of the room so I went to have a look in the bedroom and W was sleeping. She always looks tired and disheveled. I really feel for her and what she must be going through, but I wish she actually spent quality time with D8. I didn't show my disappointment. In fact, I tried to not feel disappointed and be empathic. It was difficult but i think I managed, somehow.

Then D8 and I had dinner together, W was invited to join and said she might but went back to sleep so D8 and I had dinner together. D8 again looked sad and sulky and I tried to cheers her up.

Finally W got up and now they are gone together to a neighbourhood fair where there is an inflatable "jumping castle". D8 loves that stuff and it seems to me that every time W picks her up that is where they go. I feel like I'm judging W again but I just wish they would spend time doing stuff "together". From what I hear, D8 goes in the "jumping castle" while W stays alone at a nearby food stand. They usually come back from there with more candies and cheap toys. I'd like to see the nurturing mother in her, but lately, she just isn't there.

Nonetheless, the whole point of this is to tell you that I'm doing fine with detachment, and I know, I am still judgmental but at least, I don't bring it up with her. In my meditation class I was told today to always try and see the positive in people. I am trying so hard to do so, but this woman isn't the woman I married. I hope she is still somewhere in there.