It's a miserable day in Cape Town. Black sky's, thunder, windy and the poor little Jack Russell is hiding under the bed covers frightened (she'll be fine with me here - she has her Dad ;-)
Going to go shop for wood, bread, sausage and other goodies for tonight's Rugby match between Stormers and Sharks. Invited BIL and a few other people.
I actually managed to resist bugging the wife in any way. No text, phone calls, email - nothing.
Got some surprising news. The W went out. To a female friend of ours that was instrumental last time in getting the W to actually see the "friend" for what she was. They sent a lot of time together. Shes the lady that now looks after the two goldfish - serenity and the other (who's name I can't remember). They went to another out of the way pub for an hour together. To talk. I have hope.
You're so right. I'm trying my very best to do anything to drop the rope. Now I've got people saying "what a b the "friend" is".
That's what keeps eating at me. It's like someone being in prison and not being able to do a damn thing about it.
Going to try to keep busy next week then two weeks off work. Boy do I need that. I really just want to get out of bed, get ready, sit in the garden and sunshine and read a book. And not have work pressure.
So looking forward to it.
Anyway - rugby on soon. People hopefully turning up but it's lousy weather.
There's a chance (good one) that the W will be here on Monday to go to her evening Netball.
She asked (very nicely) for a R50 (about $5) airtime. I did it for her. Not doing it would have been very hurtful to me and would truly smack of "same thing".
I know she's going to be short of underwear. Do you think I'd be doing the wrong thing by getting a small gift card for her to go and spend on herself?
This no contact thing is killing me and I'd have to imagine my W thinking "what a Ł>%#|"
Hang about. It's not to make brownie points. It really is something that she needs (not wants - needs). It'd be very very hard for her to ask "friend" to buy her underwear.
it's like you keep agreeing with us and then falling right back into not working on this.
i'm going to be really blunt here- you are messing up your own sitch. so is there a sub-conscious reason for that?
in all your posts i think there have only been one or two which involved any real introspection on your part at all.
you need to come here and talk about your shitty REAL feelings that you are still harboring and DEAL with them.
what you have been doing and continue to do is the following:
You focus only on your w, mind read her, the friend, the friends' friend, the effing dog and cat and just about everyone and everything else EXCEPT YOURSELF!!
get this:
nothing you or anyone else does is going to influence your wife one way or the other
stop looking for opportunities for that to happen and then get crushed when they don't.
as for the gift - you're trying to rationalize it - you are NOT detached enough to get to the gift stage. period!!
you are worrying about it being hard for her to ask the friend - that's mind reading. and frankly not your business. it's not your job to fix her underwear problem, or any other problem for that matter!!
what the heck are you doing even noticing that, let alone wanting to act on it?
wake up dear friend - you are spinning and need to get off this roller coaster.
we all focus too much on our spouses - but if we stop for a moment and really take the focus off them what do we see? we start to see ourselves - really truly - and face what's there.
it's time for you to start doing that - it's only when you start doing that, that you will start to find the real things you have to change - not just to possibly turn your m around, but in order for you to become the best person you can be. the fear of finding out what's underneath, within us - that's the same fear that the WAS holds when they run. so don't stay in the same place she does with her fears. you have to overcome your own, before there is even the slightest tiniest chance that she can overcome hers.
start working on that - and see the incentive there - if you truly want to have a chance of saving your r, then you have to become something other than you are right now - right now you're a person who is worrying whether another adult has underwear or not, and not being able to see that there is a grand possibility that she is able to take care of her own needs. what does this say about how you view HER and what does this say about what roles you take on or assume in your relationship with her?
if you have to spend energy thinking about your sitch - then use that time to think in the correct way - not to focus on what she is doing all the time, but to focus on understanding and exploring the dynamics between the 2 of you. and it starts with you..
btw - here's a hint - it's taken me a year to find this out, but finally i get it.
whenever you start saying to yourself - should i do this/should i not: a very very good sign that you are smack dab on the roller coaster having a very rough ride. use that as the warning sign to say stop and get off
okay there's my weekly 2 x 4 - accompanied by a hug.
friend - you're not doing anything we aren't all doing in some way or the other - you will get better at it just like we all are, inch by inch.
but read this over at least 3 times and try to answer some of the questions for yourself. get your mind into the habit of looking at the sitch and trying to see underneath the details to what the patterns really are. especially within yourself
fear comes in many many forms. recognize your fears and start to face them, and i promise you, you will come out better on the other side for having done so.
you are expecting HER to overcome her fears - you need to set the example - not by saying anything, but by working on yourself. the results will shine out of you - and everyone will see it.
{{{{{{ }}}}}}} zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I swear by all that is Holy, if you buy her a gift card, underwear, etc... I will have no choice but to board a plane to SA and smack you in person. I don't care if her drawers fall off as she walks, that is no longer YOUR concern!
(((((Hugs)))))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Zig, Serenity, you truly do have the gentlest 2 x 4's which I deserve.
Originally Posted By: zig
you are expecting HER to overcome her fears - you need to set the example - not by saying anything, but by working on yourself. the results will shine out of you - and everyone will see it.
Spot on but it's so damn hard. It was all I could do to turn my phone off just now without sending just something to say I'm still here. And that's bad. I realised that. She knows all of that and much more. So enough! No more.
Serenity. You need to come and belt me one? I'll pick you up at the airport. It'll be worth it I know.
