Well first of all I have a good weekend planned. I took a vacation day and am treating myself to a 3 day weekend. I am so happy about that extra day. Tomorrow as a birthday gift and special outting Im taking the girls out of town for the 100th anniverary celebration of Girl Scouts. There's someting big planned in a town a few hours away so we're going. We're happy, and Im thrilled to go. I tell ya I have so much fun with my girls. We're still a normal family, in that the girls fight, I get tired and nee a break from them at times, but other than that we all just have a blast together. I am truly blessed and grateful to have such wonderful girls as my children. They truly are the only reason I've emerged and come out on the other side of this hell. I made myself put one foot infront of the other no matter how dark it got for me.
There were times that I was so low, so devastated that I literally wanted to end it all. I even thought about it and semi even started thinking of a plan in ending it all. However the vision of the looks on their faces knowing I was gone, and how their lives would change made me keep walking no matter how hard it was. Honestly if I didnt have my girls, I think I might have ended it all.
I can't believe I got that low over this person, but I did.
In regards to changing energy, and the MLCer changing, my thoughts weren't that things would happen magically if we did positively change our energy. Have Mercy we could be running a 3 ring circus with one hand tied behind our backs the MLCer would still find fault with it if they're still in the tunnel! I know many LBS's that have grown by leaps and bounds and their MLCers are still out twisting in the winds of insanity. MLC ends in their time, if it ends at all.
For some reason it just seemed to click with me, how in some sitch's the LBS's seem to get a good momentum going in their lives, and then the MLCer sometimes seems to come around AFTER this has happened. I find the concept of positive energy and how it effects everything it touches amazing. It does work, I've been working with this for a while. I've seen results in my life that it does worl. However I do realize that in order for positive energy to have good effects on people, the people need to be receptive to this, on a pure and wholesome way. Not use it for gain and self absorption.....kinda like an XH MLCer I know that takes advantage of my kind manner any chance he gets.
I completely agree that the MLC should NOT BE STOPPED. As I look back, I strongly suspect that XH's MLC's were stopped two times before... but by him, not me! He left on his own accord and came back on his own accrod two times before. Each time before he left, he spiraled into MLC behavior and would leave very angry. Then he would ask to come back on his own accord. Things would be better for a while and then the MLC behavior would start again. The second time he left, he came back 2 days later crying with his tail between his legs. The girls wouldn't speak to him for 2 days. Things were better for about 6 months, and here we go again! MLC behavior for another year, and then he finally leaves....for good this time. And this time it appears he's finally just DOING IT. Just sticking with the MLC.
You know I used to be hung up on time frames and how long this would last. Now, I don't even care. I can tell you it won't be soon, or if ever. Right now Im trying to figure out if this is mLC or I was just in complete denial of what an @SS I was married to. The girls came home from staying a night with him, and had interesting things to say.
The last few times they've stayed with XH, he makes it a point to not only let them know the cell phone and netflix may be turned off at any moment due to his financial strains, but now it's his cable and internet may be cut off too!
He asked the girls if they wanted to go to Walmart yesterday but if they went the had to take OW cause she pays for all the groceries (food stamps). The girls opted NOT to go to Walmart.
He took the girls to a second hand store and got them some cute stuff. He got D12 a stuffed animal. Later he said to D12, that he should use her stuffed animal for TARGET PRACTICE!
D12 set him straight right away. XH didn't like it. Im so proud of her. My encouragment of letting their father know they don't like his behavior at times is working. They're learning to assert themselves.
Xh was grumpy, complained of being tired and didn't want to do much. He told the girls that all his Rock Star energy drinks were finally catching up to him???? I also know when he used to down those energy drinks he had a mood shift, and a nasty one right quick. Guess he's been sucking them down for months.
D12 has an appt with a urologist on XH birthday. D12 wants me to take her because this is a personal matter of her still having bedwetting issues. She doesn't want to share this with DAd, even though he knows of her problem. XH told 12 he could take her in the morning if she spent the night before her appointment. She said " no I want mom to take me dad". XH " FINE!"
Oh by the way, last summer when we were talking about D12's bedwetting issue, he made a really nasty remark. He said D12 was too lazy to get out of bed and just wet it on purpose. He said that I should go in her room and threaten to put a cathetar inside of her if she doesn't get out of bed and go to the bathroom and that's she just like his cousin.
Do I want this man back? A man that tells the kids he wants to use their stuffed animals for target practice? Tells me to shove cathetars inside them for bedwetting?
No way. Hell No. I will not treat myself nor my children so unkindly as to ever get involved with someone like that ever again.
Do I want the old spouse back that was kind, caring, fun, and adorable? Sure, that would be nice. But he doesn't exist anymore and not sure if that really was true or not.
Funny, Kimmerz, that I've also wondered if my H is MLC, or that his jerkiness is finally showing through. Have I fooled myself all these years into thinking he was this great guy, when in fact he wasn't? After all, he did go through issues such as porn addiction that really hurt me to the core. It wasn't always a walk in the park. I don't know. MLC or not, I'm done. When I asked him if we could try again, 2 weeks ago, and he said no, something inside me snapped ... never again, that was my final offer. HA! I deserve better than this.
This weekend, I'll be having fun with the grandkids, and dinner with friends. Then to Ikea to buy the dining set I want for the condo. H may or may not arrive. I really don't care anymore.
Happy weekend y'all.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I've got some things Im concerned about. Im not so sure what's the best way to handle them.
I see things changing between the girls an their father (XH). We now have a "distancer and pursuer" dance going on between all three of them. It's the girls that are distancing, and XH that is pursuing.
I see my XH doing everything possible he can to keep the girls interest peaked in him. But I can also see everything that he's doing to push them away. When the girls have distanced themselves from him in the past, he chose to blame me for it all. I do not feel that I can talk to him about this at all with him.
I guess this is where I feel very frustrated because I know I really can't do anything to make this better. All I know to do is to teach my girls to communicate as effectively as they can so they have that skill in life and to use that with their father. However it seems their father is not receptive to it and becomes defensive even with his own children when they start to voice their feelings if it opposes his.
I see XH flip flopping with the kids. He says rude and insulting things to the girls about their pets, their home here with me, or their likes and dislikes, then turns right around and bombards them with texts of fluffy little animal pictures, cute little jokes, and talking about whatever interesting news is going on. The girls are annoyed by this. D12 says she doesn't even want to respond or know how to respond to all this random "texting" he does with her. D9 always says "im tired of texting Dad".
I've made the choice to stay out of their relationship. But at the same time its very hard to stand back and see what's going on knowing that if it keeps up this way, the likely hood of any good relationship between the girls and their dad is very slim.
But I guess the reality is, this is between him and his daughters. I guess Im trying to be emotionally responsible for everyone's happiness again.
I'm no expert, but from what I've read you have to let them work it out between them and try not to interfere. As women and mothers we do want to fix the emotional things of those we love but we can't always do that. I guess that's part of learning and part of living.
P.S. I think you are doing a great job telling the girls how to communicate with their dad and be direct even if dad doesn't like it, as long as they are respectful, you are teaching them a valuable skill.
Very hard I can imagine not to interfere. Are your daughters in any type of support group for teens? Ala teen or some other 12 step program might be a good place for them to talk openly about their feelings?
hugs
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Oh that's a good idea...gee i have no idea where to start. They feel very comfortable talking to me. But Im so afraid Im not doing the right thing or saying the right thing to them about this.
Xh is not an alcoholic, but an addict in behavior and thinking, and addicted to everything else but SUBSTANCE. He goes through spells where he's just obsessed about one thing, and then it's dropped like a hot potato...kinda like his xw and kids!
I had a long talk with my girls tonight about how life is with their Dad at his place with his girlfriend.
Guys this woman makes absolutely NO EFFORT in trying to connect with my kids. She just ignores them all the time, even infront of other people.She doesn't even speak to them anymore. She focuses on my XH, any company that's there, but completely ignores my girls. This has been going on for 8-9 months.
Of course due to this, my girls don't even speak to her or try to connect either. They know they're not wanted! XH always invites her on an outting with him and the girls and OW has only said yes 2 times now in the last 9 months. She seems to always find an excuse NOT TO GO. I guess she's avoiding my kids?
I think XH is aware this is not good, but instead of trying to talk to anyone about it he's trying to manipulate the situation into working, by pressuring everyone into being together, when obviously OW doesn't want to, nor my kids either. Guess he thinks if they spend more close time together eventually the connection would start... uh I don't think so. This woman is 7 years his senior (pushing 50) has 5 kids and 6 grandchildren. You would think she'd have some idea in how to bond with kids. She will even make it a point to talk to the girls cousin infront of the girls, but not even speak to my girls.
Because she ignores the kids, and hasn't made any effort, focuses on Xh but ignores his kids, my girls are very uncomfortable there and dread the visits because of this. Yet XH still just lets this go on. He picks up his OW from work with the kids and she doesn't even say hello to them. He takes them all shopping, she ignores the girls and makes comments that are semi rude. When kids and DAd play games together, OW comes in and watches, but focuses and only comments to Xh about what he's doing, and doesn't even acknowledge the girls.
Aside from Xh getting moody at times, he takes complete care of the girls when he's there. He cooks for them, entertains them, and tucks them in bed, hugs and kisses. She does nothing. Doesn't say goodnight, or goodmorning, doesn't try to get to know them, NADA.
THIS BOTHERS ME. Seriously, if my future BF ever treated my kids like that he would be long gone. My kids aren't over there being bratts or being rude to her or anything, they just keep to themselves and stick to their Daddy.
Im sorry I just don't get it. If you love the person you're with, you work on that relationship with their kids. You just do. I can't imagine not even wanting to establish a friendship with your mate's children.
Now I hear she's pressuring XH into getting a house! looks like she's got an agenda.
Hi, anything that hurts our kids is hard, but two things to bear in mind.
1. If this woman wasn't very damaged goods she wouldn't be with your XH. MLC people do not attract normal people. If they do it probably isn't MLC!
2. How would you feel if she was super nice to your girls, and really got on with them? That brings its own sense of exclusion. It is a very tough situation for your girls, but maybe they just have to come straight out and say what is going on. Perhaps they could talk to a family friend, rather than you, about it all, and work out a strategy.
What I would suggest is talking determinedly to the OW. Saying hello whan she gets in the car, asking about her day, and making it very very obvious that she isn't communicating. Could they even ask her why she doesn't reply? This strategy takes a lot of maturity, but it might make it abundantly obvious to all that the woman has communication problems with them. If your xh doesn't want to deal with it, then I am afraid the only people who can are your daughters. It isn't fair, but nothing about MLC is fair.
BTW I have probably said it before, but I don't believe that all MLCers do crash and burn - it isn't inevitable. Some of them go on as damaged goods for the rest of their lives, pretending all is well, and they did the right thing.
WEll - first of all, Kimmerz, you know you have to take everything your kids tell you with a grain of salt. What you're hearing may or may not be the whole picture.
I know you probably don't want to talk to your ex about it (lord knows I avoid talking to my ex as much as possible) but perhaps this is a time when you should buck up and just give him a call. Couch it in a non-threatening way if you can. Perhaps "Gee, Ex, I really want your time with the girls to be a great experience for all of you. They've been telling me that they feel excluded by OW. Do you think there is anything that can be done to foster a more comfortable relationship between them all?" (Try not to throw up in your mouth a little as you say this).
