Lots of questions and a good deal of doubt.

[mshaf]

Feeling a little out of sorts today. W and kids are gone to the beach so I don't get to look forward to seeing my sons this weekend.

Of course, everyone here knows how hard this is. I am getting tired of the ups and downs. It [censored] that one day I will feel ok and then I can feel so down the next. I guess I feel like I have lost purpose. There is no more reason to come home. I miss the routine. Funny, because if you asked my W she would probably say I hated the everyday hum drum family life.

One thing that left me kind of in a slump is the day before my W left for the beach she showed up at the house unannounced (she still has a key). I had been going through the DR book and writing some things out, so that was sitting out in plain sight (I don't think she say it). Also, I was in the act of getting dressed. The whole interaction felt very awkward. I was definitely caught off guard and not on my A game. Anyways, this was our last interaction before she goes out of town and I do not feel like it was a positive one.

I know I probably shouldn't worry too much about it. I guess if I wasn't worried I wouldn't be here though, right?

I am left wondering would it be easier just to accept the D and try to piece my life back together after that?

[Cadet]

I am left wondering would it be easier just to accept the D and try to piece my life back together after that?

You must consider that your relationship is over.
Whether you accept the D or not is not exactly the point.
If your marriage is to continue it will need to be a new relationship.
If you get divorced you will have a new relationship.
But all of that is not now it is in the future.

Right now you need to let her go and detach.
If you do not detach enough then she may file for divorce.
Let her do the work for the divorce, do not help her.

This is something I wrote on a nother forum to get people to post on your thread.
Maybe it will help you.

To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions.
Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently).
KISS = Keep it simple stupid
Post on other peoples threads and give them support.
You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something
or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about.
Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.

Keep posting!

[mshaf]

Thanks Cadet!

Correct me if I am off base, but it seems the more you detach the less like you are to move forward on the D? What I mean is the more you WAS dosen't have to think about you the less compelled they feel to "get it over with". Is this designed to give you time to create a more positive impression?

I know it has been said on here a million times in my short time on the forum, but my biggest fear would be if my W dosen't have to think about me the more likely she is to move on.

Does the LBS detaching reverse the WAS' detachement, or is it just a matter of setting yourself free?

[mshaf]

Need some advice.

I have been reading through DR again and just finished the part on act as if. I had a thought for something I could try this weekend. My W and sons are at the beach and will be back on Sunday. So far when I see her I have been friendly but distant. I was thinking when I saw her next I should act as if we were still in a good place and greet her accordingly. By this I mean act excited to see her and the boys, ask if they had a good time, etc.

I'm not going to pry or invade her space, I want to try being friendly to see if she opens up more.

We haven't been fighting or anything so maybe I should try something different than being dim.

I have a couple days so anyone's advice would be greatly appreciated. I may be way off the mark. I don't know.

BTW this message was typed on my phone. Sorry for any errors.

[adinva]

I'd say try it and see what kind of response you get. If it works keep doing it. I would think it would be appealing to see you acting happy.

[Cadet]

Correct me if I am off base, but it seems the more you detach the less like you are to move forward on the D? What I mean is the more you WAS dosen't have to think about you the less compelled they feel to "get it over with". Is this designed to give you time to create a more positive impression?

Detaching is to give you space to heal and at the same time it gives the WAS space too.

CODEWORD
DIVORCE = SPACE

SO by giving the SPACE the D becomes less imperative.

Remeber that this is counterintuitive, what is up is down and left is right.
So anything you are thinking logically is probabaly the opposite of the the way it works.

When you learn how to drink coffee while sitting on the ceiling and using a fork then you will have this mastered.

[Cadet]

I'd say try it and see what kind of response you get. If it works keep doing it. I would think it would be appealing to see you acting happy.

You can try it but have NO EXPECTATIONS that it may work.

The changes that you are making are for YOU not to win her back!

[2chiquitos]

hi mshaf,
I notice you have a lot of questions hoping to guide you in the right direction.

My advice is try it out once, wait patiently for the results (whatever they may be). If you don't get a negative response then try it again. Even if it's no response (that can be a positive response, sometimes).

Your wife carries a lot of the same characteristics of other WAS however not everyone responds to certain things the same. For example, when I went dark it only pushed my H away and gave him reason to continue disconnecting since he believed I was being mean and controlling just like before.

Try acting as if, and wait patiently and see what happens.
Best of luck to you when the boys come back! This is such a great opportunity for you to GAL!

[mshaf]

Thank you everyone for your advice!

I really expected the idea to get shot down.

Advina: I think you are right. Maybe if I act more upbeat I might be more attractive to be around. The hard part, I think, is not coming across as fake. I have always played things close to the chest. So, I guess I need to make sure I don't overdue it. I will be very excited when I get to see my boys again so I need to just stick with that and not be afraid to show my W some attention also. And, if I act happy maybe one day I can actually achieve true happiness. Fake it to you make it, right?

Cadet: No expectations! So easy to say but harder to put into practice. I thought I might just see if I can change the dynamic a little. I think W expects me to be distant, dark, because that is the way I have acted over the last year and a half. So I will try something out of my "norm". BTW, the coffee comment made me laugh. I needed that last night.

Veroprado: I have been worried about no contact putting more distance between us rather than bringing us back together. For me it seems like more of the same. I have always been a private person, even in my M. A good 180 for me might be to be more open. The only reason I haven't done this is because I don't want W to consider it pursuing.

Thank you for reminding me to have patience. That is one thing I need to do a lot of work on. I can't expect a favorable response just because I act "as if" once. I like the idea of no response being a positive interaction. If that holds true I am doing great so far.

So I will see what happens tomorrow and report back. Hopefully with a little time I can check my "5 minutes of pleasant conversation" goal off. If not, what is the worst that can happen? She can't leave twice.

Thanks to everyone again. The fact that you took time to comment made me feel a lot less alone.

[mshaf]

Well, I didn't get to try my idea yesterday. W got back into town late and the boys were asleep in the car. I told her we can arrange for another night this week. This kind of s**ks as I was looking forward to seeing my sons.

The hard part right now is that my W is not contacting me. Shortly after seperation there was a lot more contact; text, phone calls, face to face. That seems to have tapered off. On the plus side there has been no R talk, good or bad. I guess that is something.

It is hard to only get to see her a couple times a week, especially when those interactions ar very short. I am not getting a lot of feed back, so of course I question if what I am doing is working.

I guess I just have to stick with what I have decided.