I did not mention I suppose because I was so focused on him and his behavior, trying to figure out what was going on and what would come next so I could be prepared. I had enough to survive each day's events without thinking of other painful things on top of survival. I am finishing a doctorate/have a law degree/and two masters so I hope I am educated. Strangely, it is not that I think I am powerless, but the exact opposite-I think I had too much power in the relationship and the choices I made stacked up on him and caused something to snap in him. After the split, he told me I was always the better looking one of the duo, that he was nothing compared to me, that he always knew I would leave him. But before I could answer, he turned into Monster and began yelling at me saying I was so weak and stupid he split with me just to get rid of me first. Again rewriting history. So I carry tremendous guilt that is paralyzing me at times. Yes, I am sucked into his drama but much less frequently now. And I am working on that very diligently, and have avoided many times the pit believe it or not. No sex insults since that one day during the nuclear war and believe me he started that one with personal comments about me posted on my work website. Still I understand no excuse. Yes, I know his behavior is criminal and leading up to more criminal activity on a cognitive level, but when it is happening, I just don't even really hear it as my brain just shuts off somehow/goes somewhere else-and I think of how hurt and how much pain I hear in the words. No fear, no flight, just get through the time and go on. It is why afterwards, I do not even remember all the details, and later forget the major also. Like PTSD perhaps.
