Mr. Bond, I am not sure how you expect me to act/discuss him. Would it help to know that I feel as though I have lost the world? That I feel as though I lost my best friend/partner/lover/my soulmate/my other half? That we were always so close that I feel his pain in my bones? That I lost 30+lbs because I could not eat? That I fear for his safety and sanity every minute of every day? That I cry everyday and mourn so deeply for the man that was all of those things and more that I cannot even get close to another person? That he was always Superman in my eyes? That I respected him and was so proud of him that I gave up opportunities for myself for jobs and education when they would have meant more seperations for us? That I worked so hard to be the top in my field so he would be proud of me, to show him how much I appreciated his love, help, and support-to be able to give him a good life in the future? That I helped him write his books and articles even when it was detrimental to my work/health/education? That I was so supportive of his accomplishments/career that I understood when he did not come home when I had heart surgery? That I put up with his sister saying horrible things about me just to make his relationship with her easier? That I pray each day that God give me the pain that is too much for him to bear, and to please help him? You see the truth is that I love this man so very much and I am so scared for him, not for me. So sometimes I get frustrated/scared/angry when he seems just dead inside, when he speaks of crazy things and ending it all, about how he feels as though he is walking around in a fog, and does not care about anything, or see any point in continuing, when he just continuously tears me down with comments about my low IQ, my inability to think, my stupidity, my being old, my being weak, my being irresponsible, my having friends who are trash, my attracting men who are bas****s, my being a B, C**t, Wh**e, my not being a scholar of equal calibur, my being so weak I let others hurt me, my crying too easily, my being unhealthy and fat-at 135, my turning my back on him, my not being faithful to him etc. So eventually yes, I do strike back, not every time, but sometimes and it seems to remind him he is still alive, and he seems to think about what I say as he comments on those things later.
Cuckoo is the only way I could refer to him for awhile privately since he was so scopelocked on what I was saying and doing on the computer. You see, he found out everything I was saying to people-hacked my email, etc-and was furious I was crying and "advertising" our break up-later seperation to the world-accused me of telling everyone just so I could hook up with men, never mind that I was talking with women too. But when I used Cuckoo-odd-but he did not think I was talking about him somehow. Never complained about that even though it was obvious I thought, and direct quotes of things he said and/or did. He still thinks Cuckoo is another person.
So it did not start off meaning to be disrespectful-actually a reference to a clock in my living room that my friends and his sister used to refer to him in the discussions so he would not fly off in a rage and accuse us of conspiring against him. As to the talk of my first ex-it came up because this one now accuses me of accepting being beaten and being too weak and stupid to stop it, which I was neither and he well knows that. Just an example of his rewriting of history in a major way that I don't understand. Why not call the police? Not sure why I do not. They were not helpful with my first ex, I want to protect him from losing his job, career, being incarcerated, not wanting to hurt him, not being scared of him, guilt for my part in this disaster, a host of reasons that probably make no rational sense. But in a crisis I just have no emotional response and especially not for flight.
I did not mention I suppose because I was so focused on him and his behavior, trying to figure out what was going on and what would come next so I could be prepared. I had enough to survive each day's events without thinking of other painful things on top of survival. I am finishing a doctorate/have a law degree/and two masters so I hope I am educated. Strangely, it is not that I think I am powerless, but the exact opposite-I think I had too much power in the relationship and the choices I made stacked up on him and caused something to snap in him. After the split, he told me I was always the better looking one of the duo, that he was nothing compared to me, that he always knew I would leave him. But before I could answer, he turned into Monster and began yelling at me saying I was so weak and stupid he split with me just to get rid of me first. Again rewriting history. So I carry tremendous guilt that is paralyzing me at times. Yes, I am sucked into his drama but much less frequently now. And I am working on that very diligently, and have avoided many times the pit believe it or not. No sex insults since that one day during the nuclear war and believe me he started that one with personal comments about me posted on my work website. Still I understand no excuse. Yes, I know his behavior is criminal and leading up to more criminal activity on a cognitive level, but when it is happening, I just don't even really hear it as my brain just shuts off somehow/goes somewhere else-and I think of how hurt and how much pain I hear in the words. No fear, no flight, just get through the time and go on. It is why afterwards, I do not even remember all the details, and later forget the major also. Like PTSD perhaps.
This week after he and I were together all those days has been a lost four days as to taking care of myself. After he left I was just so tired and emotionally worn out. I thought he was acting more normal, but then immediately after leaving he proved me wrong with the mania. Then the necessity for damage control in my professional career each night. So just worn out. Tomorrow focus on getting things done around here, go to the gym, run, such as that. Sunday begins a new week so a new list of weekly goals begins then. However, he will probably be back sometime that week. And it is hard to prep for that because I am a completely different person when he is around. He is less agitated when I speak quietly, so I do always, at least until he throws furniture. As to the agitation, I put away a bunch of things from the house so there is much less stimulation and that seems to have helped while he is here as well. I clear most of my work schedule so he is not alone in the house. I focus on being happy and at peace always around him now, hard to believe but true, which is perhaps why I exude so much anger here at times. But then happiness seems to irritate him at times too like when I did not cry when he left the other day.
Ah, yes, it seems I blended answers to different people in posts. I saw a counselor for a few visits after our daughter, and after my first marriage, to handle the pain and anger but he refused as he was leaving for work in another state. Seems pain always comes out as anger for me until I work it through.
Since I am being honest and sharing with the world-you want to know the other sick part of this? On some level, I fear for the safety of the little girl. She has no idea what is coming, and I would take her place in that if I could. At least I do not personalized this stuff as much and will not resort to suicide attempts like she has in the past. She has her own mental issues with depression and such and is just not equipped to deal with what is coming her way especially since I am not speaking to him so he has no outlet for his anger other than her now. In some ways she is at major fault in this and in other ways she is just collateral damage. Additionally, he went to see his father today. The only other time in 25 years he saw dad was when I insisted he face him 5 years ago. He really hates the man, has depersonalized him totally, and acts as though they have nothing in common and are not related-no love for him at all. He talked to me about the upcoming visit and was flat in affect about the visit. A day with him is going to make honey testy and on edge so if she says one wrong thing on the tele his going to go crazy on her if he even tells her about the visit.
