New to site...Ready for Advice...Been Reading!

[Denver_2010]

You are correct & I really don't mean what I say about there being OM in the picture. I pray to the Lord daily that there isn't, but I figure if I pump myself up to not care (just in case), that it will soften the blow. I am not 100% sure that there is, and really not sure I want to know!

Man, the not knowing is almost as difficult as knowing that there is an OM. I definitely understand that.

The bottom line is that you have no control over it right now. What you need to do is figure out how you will feel IF it turns out that there is an OM. Can you forgive her for that? Can you still have a M with her if you do ultimately R? Something that you need to think about.

Honestly, And I have no reason to lie to you. I don't think I ever treated her truly that bad. I think that I may just never have treated her the way she wanted or should have been (i.e. I should have shown her more Support for things, love, praise). I will take a bullet and honestly say that I treated her rather harshly about spending $$ after the layoff though. I felt like anything we spent $$ on was going to kill us & bankrupt us again(self-esteem/pride maybe?), so I took it out on her with rude & sarcastic comments about stuff she would purchase. When truly all she was buying most of the time was things we needed for the house. I am in no way blaming my Father for this & realize we are responsible for our own actions, but I watched him do this to my Mother forever & then realized that I did the same darn thing. Money has been a hot button throughout our relationship, but really got out of control by me with the way I reacted to it after Layoff/Bankruptcy when it wasn't flowing quite as generously. I hope I definitely learned my lesson on that one! I think I really was very demeaning and belittling to her when it came to money, but I don't know. Maybe it's because after all this blew up she has been lashing out at me and stated that I am very controlling and manipulative and I am starting to believe her comments. (Thus the believe nothing they say & half of what they do)! Wish I would've read the book sooner

Some of that doesn't sound too good Sup. Sometimes, our actions that don't seem that bad or hurtful to us, are actually terribly hurtful to the person that we are doing them too. It is a matte of perspective, and you need to understand right now, that your W has her own view of this separate and distinct of what you think.

Chances are, that if she is bringing that stuff up now, that your actions had a much more dramatic impact on her than you think/thought.

It does not mean that you are 100% at fault. But it is very important, especially right now, that you own up to your role in the breakdown of this M.

ALL you control is you. Now is the time to put the work into understanding and correcting your shortcomings as a H. You can't do that unless you own up to it.

So IF you were belittling, controlling or whatever else, take responsibility for it, own it, figure out why you were like that, and fix it. Now is the time.

You will learn as you go through this process, that by doing this ^^^, you can come out of this a better man regardless of what happens with your M. You can come out of this better prepared for your next R, whether that's with your W or with someone else.

So please don't discount what your W is saying to you.

So how do you respond when you hear these words from her? Do NOT defend right now. Listen and validate her feelings, listen and validate... and when your ears begin to bleed from all of the listening, listen some more!

You will gain nothing right now by defending yourself or arguing your points with her. I promise you.

Your goal right now is to communicate to your W, through actions not words, that you are LISTENING to her, that you understand her, and that you are capable of becoming that man that she originally fell in love with.

But you have to carefully balance this with what Starsky has told you... not being too available. I said in my last post that I suggest that you go LRT immediately. That means that you do not initiate contact with her, that you keep contact initiated by her short, you end conversations first... but you do not appear angry, depressed, or sad. Do that on your own time. Again, do not initiate R talk under any circumstances.

GAL (get a life). It serves two purposes IMO. 1) It will help you get through this and to maintain a positive mental attitude. 2) hopefully it will eventually cause your W to wonder what it is that you are doing... what it is that is making you happy in lieu of her presence in your life.

Lastly, my personal strong opinion, and others may disagree, is that you need to stall this D as long as you can. I do not mean that you become an a$s about it. Just don't do anything proactive to expedite it. You need to buy yourself as much time as possible.

Maybe my Cockiness/Self-Confidence in the past kept her attracted? Is that what you mean? And by being humble and weak, she finds that un-attractive?

I definitely don't want to be a doormat or push-over, but would still very much like to retain my marriage and make it stronger than before.

You have to regain some of your confidence, yes. Especially when you are around her or in contact with her. Fake it til you make it.

BUT... do not do this to the point where you become an a$shole with her.

You need to become the man that she fell in love with... the better man if there is an OM involved. That man certainly is not an a$shole. Get my drift?

Not too mention my kids have taken very highly to some of the 180's that I have done. My daughter is as intelligent as they come. She told me a few weeks back: "Daddy you weren't really as bad as Mommy said you are, she is just saying that to make herslef feel better about leaving".

Is your daughter a member of this board?! LOL... She's exactly right. Your W is looking for things to validate her decision. That's very, very common for the WAS to do.

Also, it plays into some of the stuff that I talk about above. DO NOT give her other reasons that validate her decision to leave. Give her reasons to hesitate in her decision.