Divorced. My fault, and cant move forward

[Mrs D]

Day #2 - NC. Woke up at 4 with thought of ExH. I have not contacted him as of yet, but this morning was hard. My son came to bed with me last night, I turned over and watched him sleep for a bit - gave him a kiss on his forehead and apologized for ruining his family. He didnt hear me - I guess it was more for me because if he would have heard it, he would have denied that I had anything to do with the end. My son is 8. He is the absolute joy of my life. He can make me smile without even trying.

Today, one of our mutual close friends told me that they have asked a few times about the new GF, but he basically changes the subject. I dont get it. This guy is his closest friend, and he doesnt know anything about the GF? But, the guy and his GF that live two houses up from me know everything? Any ideas why he would be so secretive to his closest friend and his wife?

My brother holds an annual golf outing for his birthday - which is next weekend. Course my ExH will be there. I know I need to be postive, upbeat, - the person I normally am. I know I am going to be nervous, tense, etc - especially when Im trying this NC thing. My therapist said to act cordial. Make small talk. Dont hang onto every word. Ugh - its going to be hard!!