Piecing - Round 1

[Denver_2010]

I wish we knew more about her IC, and the kind of advice she was getting there.

Me too Starsky. I don't ask her about it. It is her's. When she does open up about it, which is not often, this is what I have learned, again, not much:

1) She believes that we would not be where we are without her IC;

2) That it allowed her to realize an issue separate from my own actions, that caused problem in our R/M - That she has 2 sides to her. 1) the side of her that is a free spirit, that wants to pursue her music career, travel, spend time with her friends, etc. This side was not being attended to in our former R. She felt like she was in my shadow. and 2) the side of her that wants to be a wife, a mom, a homemaker, etc. She thought for a while after leaving me that she no longer wanted this. But the truth was that she began to feel trapped on this side bc side #1 was being neglected.

Since we have decided to R, we have agreed to make sure that both sides are given attention. I'm absolutely fine with this. I want her to be happy, be able to be the person who she truly is, grow as a person, and not feel trapped with the idea that her life has to be lived as society may tell us that it needs to be lived. In fact, I have a side of me that is like this.

3) That she has worked on learning some tools to handle anger, frustration and disappointment. So far, this has been very evident.

4) That she has discussed processing forgiveness for me and the hurt that I caused her in the past.

5) That she has discussed why she latched onto OM after leaving me. Basically a fear of being alone. She has told me that she has always believed that she would end up alone. She believed this because she didn't think anyone would want her after having her son so young. When she met me, she felt that maybe she wouldn't be alone. But then I took advantage of that by using the fear of being alone against her... me believing that she wouldn't leave me regardless of what i did or how I treated her. OM filled that void when she left me.

6) she has learned to better deal with a very difficult child (my SS) and his issues.

Enough you two! LOL! I don't mind my thread being used for the back and forth at all. But the problem is that there is no RIGHT answer. There are hundreds of thousands of variables that affect how a situation should be handled... plus, people have different opinions on what and when something is acceptable, excusable, or whatever... and what is not.

There are at least 2 approaches to how people can DB. It has become pretty clear to me over the past 19 months that neither is 100% right or wrong.

Anyhow...

So kind of a rough day for me. After posting last night to Starsky's wish to know more about what my W was talking about in IC, I just happened to stumble upon my W's diary today.

In the spirit of wanting to know and understand my situation completely, I decided to read it. Actually, that was just my excuse... I was snooping clear and simple.

There was no entries from recent months. But plenty of entries in the couple of months prior to W leaving me.

Some of the highlights:

She was clearly considering leaving me months prior to announcing it. Says she has thought about it "thousands of times".

She talks about being lonely all of the time. Whether or not she can continue life like that. Whether it's worth it just because she committed to be my W. That it isn't what she thought life would be like.

In October, the month before she left, it gets worse. She talks a lot of feeling guilty about her strong thoughts of leaving me. Guilty because she has committed to me... her vows, etc.

There is no mention of OM. Only how she feels unloved in life, "especially by my husband".

At the very end of October, days before she abruptly announced that she was 'done' in our last MC session, she states:

"I feel like I'm going crazy. My mind is all over the place. I feel so lonely, but guilty about my thoughts of leaving. I'm afraid of leaving. Afraid that it is somehthing I will regret for the rest of my life. Afraid of losing him. But afraid to stay with him. It is a risk. But staying is a risk too. I am so lost. I truly am."

I think that about sums it up. Was very hard to read.