telling my story of the cuckoo

[WenikiTiki]

YES, You need to DETACH!

[professorfiancee]

Amen a vacation! But for the excuses-He has no idea I am looking, I have not answered his emails, or his posts on my FB, and today is the longest we have ever not spoken. So doing good right and doing the LRT/NC correct? Additionally, am getting calls from others in the academic field and our friends asking what his problem is, so it is in my face. THey will read something and ask me, and now I have lost a good p/t teaching gig for the fall because he and I are tied so closely together in work that the university does not want to risk a problem with him by hiring me. So doing damage control for my professional reputation which requires me to know what he is saying to answer the questions reasonably. But agreed that I need to detach some more. So I will work on that? ANy suggestions would be welcome though on how to do that in this situation...Bracing for the next round of posts due in a few minutes.

[professorfiancee]

University said to me, "This is how those professors were shot in Alabama, and we cannot risk having that here. We would love to hire you but the risk has been assessed as to great at this point. If things get straightened out, let us know as we are most anxious to have you teach and research for us." Thanks a bunch Cuckoo.

[MrBond]

So delete his contacts from your phone, or better yet, change your number, remove him from FB and drop him from your life right now. He's damaging everything around it.

[professorfiancee]

Sorry to unload on you all but it is so hard right now. On top of him being raving crazy right now, it will be the 7 year aniversary of the death of our daughter in a few days. It will also be the first time I have had to be alone to honor her. I know he will not be around as he commented the aniversary was coming up, but I told him not to worry about it as I would get the flowers for her and take care of honoring and remembering her. He looked so relieved. Sometimes it feels as though carrying the world on my shoulders is getting very heavy. I know God is supposed to only give us what we can manage but really I am starting to wonder if God has not miscalibrated with my situation right now. Sorry God, I don't mean to doubt you, but I am having trouble making the knot in my rope this week.

[MrBond]

You had a daughter together? I don't think you mentioned that before. Can you tell us more details? That's pretty important.

You know for someone who had a child together with this man, you don't sound .... right. I mean, have you gone for help to deal with your abusive relationships in the past? You say you want out, but it seems you enjoy poking the R with a stick. Plus you don't really talk about him like you've been together as long as you have and lost a child.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Sorry to unload on you all but it is so hard right now. On top of him being raving crazy right now, it will be the 7 year aniversary of the death of our daughter in a few days. It will also be the first time I have had to be alone to honor her. I know he will not be around as he commented the aniversary was coming up, but I told him not to worry about it as I would get the flowers for her and take care of honoring and remembering her. He looked so relieved. Sometimes it feels as though carrying the world on my shoulders is getting very heavy. I know God is supposed to only give us what we can manage but really I am starting to wonder if God has not miscalibrated with my situation right now. Sorry God, I don't mean to doubt you, but I am having trouble making the knot in my rope this week.

I always tell people, "sometimes it's not god, it's the devil" so you should bear only what you are willing to bear... Do not be taken advantage of because you love somoene.

[25yearsmlc]

I may have missed it, but did you say you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy Book? You must do so. They form the basis of this site which is a Solution based approach to relationship problems.

That means, in part, that a lot of history and re-hashing the past is NOT all that helpful. It tends to take the focus OFF what we CAN control...which is only ourselves.

That's why a lot of what follows isn't that helpful to how your r can be improved NOW as of today and from this day forward...

A few words of background on him and I. I was married to a physically abusive drunk and drug addict when we met. Exhusband would beat me physically and Cuckoo figured that out quickly. He was supportive and helped me during the divorce.

No offense, but I'm surprised at your constant reference to your fiance as "Cuckoo". IF he's mentally or emotionally ill, he needs compassion from you.

If he's in MLC then that's another matter and if he is simply a big jerk & always will be, then you don't need to repair much, just let go.

So I'm wondering if it helps YOU at all, to continually disrespect him this way?

Mind you, I KNOW he has not treated you well.

But he's not here posting to us, or asking how HE can improve.
You are here and you are the only one we can try to help.




Now the truth of the matter is that I am no shrinking violet and defended myself during those attacks. But Cuckoo is now raising the issue of how I was beaten and put up with it. The reality is that when Ex beat me, I fought back like a lion, even sending him to the hospital once after he threw me out of bed and beat my head on the bedroom wall for several minutes. When I got away I chased the man down the street with a real 2x4, and he never beat me again.

I don't know how any of this^^^ relates or helps to re-hash at the moment.


But now cuckoo is swinging his hands in punching motions centimeters from my face when he gets mad talking of beating me etc. I am afraid that causes a flashback to my Ex and I just lose control eventually. This last time he did that, I held control of my temper for 7 minutes before I lost it when he threw a chair at me.

This is dangerously unstable behavior. Why would you stay in the room? Why not leave and call the police?



Otherwise I just stood there looking at him, not answering, hoping he would wear himself out, but that just made him madder. Normally, he would never hit me, but I think he might be working up to that in his tirades. We can never outrun our pasts it seems.

You need to read the books, see an ind counselor and get out of the area when he's there. You're in a physically threatening situation, and your behavior concerns me too.

Are you getting professional help? That's not an insult; I've been there and done that.

Also have you seen a L or done the research to know if you have any rights to the property or debts you two have?

Finally, when you fight, there have to be SOME things that are simply never ever said.

I'm not simply telling you to "take the higher road" but also that some words cannot really be forgotten, once said.

Comments about sexual performance to a man are rarely, if ever, something a guy can recover from. You just can't go there. Make sense?

There's a lot more to this situation but it's a disturbing one.

Also a small thing for you to work on (but key for me at least) is how you post.

If you can break it up into small paragraphs, it's much easier for me to read and then respond to.

A long narrative tends to blur & it's easy to lose my place. So, just a suggestion-break it up into smaller parts.

[professorfiancee]

Our daughter Rebeccah was a healthy bright loving little girl until one day-she could not swallow, keep anything down, her esophagus collapsed, cancer found in her stomach, intestines, espohagus, lungs. She just shut down and faded away in a matter of weeks. Never cried or complained, just faded away before our eyes, passing at home with us holding her. He fell apart, so I took care of all the arrangements and her care, he would not even try to feed her or clean up when she vomited, just seemed kind of frozen. It was so overwhelming for him, and shortly after he left home to work in another state. I am sure he did the best he could but was just not able to cope well with the situation. Every year though he remembered the anniversary date, spent the day talking with me about her,looking at pictures, got flowers, kept a picture of her with him at all the places we lived together or seperate over the years, spoke of her often in general conversation. I know he loved her very much too. This year was the first year he had no tears or showed no emotion when he mentioned her. Just said it as a passing fact when the florist called to confirm the flower order. I tried not to overwhelm him or pressure him to be there or go to the grave. I just don't think he can handle it right now.

[25yearsmlc]

You had a daughter together? I don't think you mentioned that before. Can you tell us more details? That's pretty important.


Agreed....It's very important...and it's odd as heck that it wasn't mentioned previously...were you ever married before to HIM?


You know for someone who had a child together with this man, you don't sound .... right. I mean, have you gone for help to deal with your abusive relationships in the past? You say you want out, but it seems you enjoy poking the R with a stick. Plus you don't really talk about him like you've been together as long as you have and lost a child.

I must echo this^^^^....now that I've finished the thread...

I worry for him and I worry for you.

You sound educated, but you behave as if you are powerless. You are not.

Block him from your fb wall, Period. End of story. NOT a problem and NOT complicated.

Stop letting someone else dictate how your life goes. Take your power back.

As for your d, I'm so sorry for your loss.

But you cannot go with him to honor her, expecting comfort from someone who is clearly ill. I think that

You most Honor her by healing yourself and perhaps modelling that for him.

I don't see this as MLC...nope. It's far beyond that. And please know I'm coming from a place of concern here,

but seems to me that you have enough to work on in you, to become healthy for YOU-

that I can't see you taking on HIS emotional health as well.

You both need help ----that's NOT an insult but an observation. I practiced law for decades and this behavior sounds both criminal and pre-criminal,

but you only control YOU. Cognitively you probably realize this but not emotionally

or you'd stop being sucked into his drama. Sadly, we've seen suicides on this site on occasion.

So we take "dramatic" behavior and gestures and depression, pretty seriously here.

But he is not posting here, YOU ARE. So we cannot help him & neither can you.

You need to begin taking control of you.

What are you going to DO for YOUR health this week?