You are correct & I really don't mean what I say about there being OM in the picture. I pray to the Lord daily that there isn't, but I figure if I pump myself up to not care (just in case), that it will soften the blow. I am not 100% sure that there is, and really not sure I want to know! She promised & pleaded with me years ago that she would never make that mistake again, and I took her word for it. I really don't know if she is a repeat cheater & maybe I am blinder/more naive than I thought.
At the beginning of all of this she was going out at night dancing/drinking with a so-called friend (whom nobody trusts who knows her) who was miserable in her own marriage & was truly being a cheerleader for her to leave me (I can explain more if need be). Staying out late etc...Which is something she has never done (very out of the ordinary). Of course this friend/cheerleader has moved out of the country with her Husband/Family, but they most likely still keep in touch with FB etc (I don't have/never have had a FB account). But if I harp on it or bring negative thoughts into my head, it drives me nuts. So, my goal is to not think about the past or let me mind take control.
Honestly, And I have no reason to lie to you. I don't think I ever treated her truly that bad. I think that I may just never have treated her the way she wanted or should have been (i.e. I should have shown her more Support for things, love, praise). I will take a bullet and honestly say that I treated her rather harshly about spending $$ after the layoff though. I felt like anything we spent $$ on was going to kill us & bankrupt us again(self-esteem/pride maybe?), so I took it out on her with rude & sarcastic comments about stuff she would purchase. When truly all she was buying most of the time was things we needed for the house. I am in no way blaming my Father for this & realize we are responsible for our own actions, but I watched him do this to my Mother forever & then realized that I did the same darn thing. Money has been a hot button throughout our relationship, but really got out of control by me with the way I reacted to it after Layoff/Bankruptcy when it wasn't flowing quite as generously. I hope I definitely learned my lesson on that one! I think I really was very demeaning and belittling to her when it came to money, but I don't know. Maybe it's because after all this blew up she has been lashing out at me and stated that I am very controlling and manipulative and I am starting to believe her comments. (Thus the believe nothing they say & half of what they do)! Wish I would've read the book sooner
**I am slow sometimes & definitely know the definition of supplicate, but please elaborate on this, as I need all the advice I can get!**
Maybe my Cockiness/Self-Confidence in the past kept her attracted? Is that what you mean? And by being humble and weak, she finds that un-attractive?
I definitely don't want to be a doormat or push-over, but would still very much like to retain my marriage and make it stronger than before. Not too mention my kids have taken very highly to some of the 180's that I have done. My daughter is as intelligent as they come. She told me a few weeks back: "Daddy you weren't really as bad as Mommy said you are, she is just saying that to make herslef feel better about leaving". It kindof broke my heart!
On a positive note, she has just been hired full-time as an elementary school teacher at my kids private school they go to. I think this is a good thing, because she has always loved teaching/children, and was always very good at it. I have had kids with me mostly for last couple of months, so her seeing/driving them to school and whatnot will be good.
I really don't want to be 100% negative about this or anything these days and have gone out of my way through IC and whatnot to boost my Confidence back to start standing up for myself. I definitely have a lot more work to do in order to get back to where I am not a push-over.
