Just Found Out About The OM, What Now?

[DaddyLongShanks]

You make the changes, she will see them eventually. Quit worrying about that part. You will shoot yourself in the foot if you try to push yourself on her right now.

Shooting myself in the foot seems to be my specialty right now. I wish I could take all the things that I know now and go back and tell my younger self what I had learned. I would do so much different.

Yeah, but if you would have had a wife who was going to cheat on you anyway, what could you do? Let her go earlier?

[professorjay]

I am not an expert here, but I agree that getting yourself career ready is a really good move. I will be paying off student loans until I die, BUT I do have a secure full time job now.

When it comes to the A, you can't control what she does. But thinking about your actions IF it happens is important. I have always been the passive one. I tend to ignore things and hope they go away. When my W confessed her A....something changed in me. I got...very strong. I drew a line in the sand and became "the leader." It was weird. She said later THAT action drew her to me like nothing else. She said she felt safe and wanted because I fought for her and expected her to do the work to help us heal.

I see now that once the crisis passed, I just went back to being the laid back passive guy again. And now I am trying to win back a WAW who told me that she realized she would always be invisible. I don't want to go against any articles or anything, but because of my passive tendency, being strong and unwavering was what made her look twice.

[chatterbug]

you do realize that she most likely will have to support you since she was the bread winner.

And as part of that reality bubble. I would go after this angle with the lawyers.

She needs to uphold her end of the bargain with you going back to school.

If your not getting any support payments from her now. Go after them.

Sitting around leads to nowhere.

[NASCARDaddy]

I don't want to go against any articles or anything, but because of my passive tendency, being strong and unwavering was what made her look twice.

The problem is that she already says that I am too controlling so if I took a hard line at this point it would just make things worse rather than better. Besides, the more I have thought about it the more I believe that the W I know is not capable of a PA without a serious shift in personality.

[chatterbug]

Ahh the age old defect my wrong's to all about you.

You are not controlling when you state what you will and will not tolerate.

This is called boundaries.

Problem is ya gotta enforce them or they are just proof that you are weak.

So you wife says your too controlling.

Are you ?

Whats your thoughts ?

How did you deal with them ?



How is the divorce coming along since you have been served ?

[NASCARDaddy]

How is the divorce coming along since you have been served ?

Right now we are in divorce limbo. In Utah the court must allow a 90 day waiting period before considering the petition. The relationship is pretty much going down hill though. She will not speak to me at all and even when we do see each other she will not look at me. She has unfriended me on Facebook and has changed her name back to her maiden name there. I even heard through a relative that she has gone through and unfriended anyone who "might be a spy" for me. Never mind the fact that I would not ask anyone to spy on her for me. That would be a total violation of my agreement to allow her to have her space. But at the same time it does give an indication of where her mind is right now when it comes to me.

[NASCARDaddy]

You are not controlling when you state what you will and will not tolerate.

This is called boundaries.

Problem is ya gotta enforce them or they are just proof that you are weak.

There in lies the problem I face. I have told her that she is still my wife and should not be dating while we are still married. Her response was "I am NOT your wife," and "I can do what I want because I am taking my life back." However, since I do not see her there is really nothing I can do to try and enforce those boundaries except express my displeasure. I have tried asking my pastor to talk to her about it but that just made her madder than she already was.

So you wife says your too controlling.

Are you ?

Whats your thoughts ?

How did you deal with them ?

I don't think I am too controlling. In fact I don't know what makes her even think that. The closet thing I can come up with is that I would ask her what her mother or her co-workers needed when they would call. She claims that I would not let her have any friends which is definitely not true, and that I never let her have her own life.

I actually think that at least some of this is projection from her childhood. Her mother and grandmother were both very controlling people and she would have to stay home and do things for them instead of having friends as a child. At the same time, her mother was a very dysfunctional person and from her preteens my W was the one in charge of running the household, making sure the bills got paid on time, balancing her mother's checkbook etc. So in a very real way she did not have a chance to have her own life because she was responsible for managing her mother's and in many respects still is. And I am beginning to wonder if there is a connection between that, the fact that I had started to mention that I would like to relocate after I graduate from law school and live in Spokane Washington, and the timing of the divorce. As I mentioned in another thread, Although she says now that she has never been happy in our marriage, when she was in a more objective mood back at the end of June when we tried MC she admitted that she was pretty happy with how things were in our marriage until the start of this year.

As for my thoughts, mostly I just want to know what she is thinking and feeling. My belief is that if I can get her to explain what she feels and means when she says things like "I don't see kindness in your eyes" or "You have only ever viewed me as a sex object," then I can better gauge how she is seeing me and figure out how to correct my course and get the flow in our marriage back into balance. When I would ask her what someone needed when they would call or text her it is because I want to know what is going on in her life. Whenever I would get a call or a text I would always tell her who it was and what they needed. I am just an open person in that way.

Basically the way I act on those thoughts is that if I think there is an opportunity to ask her what she is thinking or feeling, particularly when she makes statements like the above mentioned ones, and not provoke more conflict then I will ask her. Otherwise I will keep my mouth shut and pray for an opportunity to present itself. Unfortunately those are few and far between right now.

[DaddyLongShanks]

You are not controlling when you state what you will and will not tolerate.

This is called boundaries.

Problem is ya gotta enforce them or they are just proof that you are weak.

There in lies the problem I face. I have told her that she is still my wife and should not be dating while we are still married. Her response was "I am NOT your wife," and "I can do what I want because I am taking my life back." However, since I do not see her there is really nothing I can do to try and enforce those boundaries except express my displeasure. I have tried asking my pastor to talk to her about it but that just made her madder than she already was.

So you wife says your too controlling.

Are you ?

Whats your thoughts ?

How did you deal with them ?

I don't think I am too controlling. In fact I don't know what makes her even think that. The closet thing I can come up with is that I would ask her what her mother or her co-workers needed when they would call. She claims that I would not let her have any friends which is definitely not true, and that I never let her have her own life.

I actually think that at least some of this is projection from her childhood. Her mother and grandmother were both very controlling people and she would have to stay home and do things for them instead of having friends as a child. At the same time, her mother was a very dysfunctional person and from her preteens my W was the one in charge of running the household, making sure the bills got paid on time, balancing her mother's checkbook etc. So in a very real way she did not have a chance to have her own life because she was responsible for managing her mother's and in many respects still is. And I am beginning to wonder if there is a connection between that, the fact that I had started to mention that I would like to relocate after I graduate from law school and live in Spokane Washington, and the timing of the divorce. As I mentioned in another thread, Although she says now that she has never been happy in our marriage, when she was in a more objective mood back at the end of June when we tried MC she admitted that she was pretty happy with how things were in our marriage until the start of this year.

As for my thoughts, mostly I just want to know what she is thinking and feeling. My belief is that if I can get her to explain what she feels and means when she says things like "I don't see kindness in your eyes" or "You have only ever viewed me as a sex object," then I can better gauge how she is seeing me and figure out how to correct my course and get the flow in our marriage back into balance. When I would ask her what someone needed when they would call or text her it is because I want to know what is going on in her life. Whenever I would get a call or a text I would always tell her who it was and what they needed. I am just an open person in that way.

Basically the way I act on those thoughts is that if I think there is an opportunity to ask her what she is thinking or feeling, particularly when she makes statements like the above mentioned ones, and not provoke more conflict then I will ask her. Otherwise I will keep my mouth shut and pray for an opportunity to present itself. Unfortunately those are few and far between right now.

If the mom is as controlling as you say she is, you may be SOL. She may be taking advice or starting to act "normal" for how she thinks a woman is supposed to be.

I think this weekend you need to concentrate on GAL. Have a great weekend for yourself.

[NASCARDaddy]

I received an e-mail just now that let me know that I have been accepted to the MPA program on a provisional basis. So at least one thing is going right today.

[chatterbug]

Congrats.