I have been reading for awhile & have read DR! Still working through step 5 before I continue on...I would like to start an active post for advice/venting, but I know I am stuck on moderation for now!
Overall have been decent Husband/Father...But really went down the tubes last 3 years after Layoff/Bankruptcy and am now paying for it with WAW!
I can honestly say that I have one of the most amazing Women in the world (with a few mistakes made by her along the way), but now she has moved out & filed paperwork...I will explain more once I become an active poster!
Look for the 37 rules/guidelines here somewhere on this board.
Looking forward to reading more details
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I have followed a lot of your posts and have read just about all of the Veteran's advice...I have mostly hit the acceptance phase, with a few discouraging days of doubt, but otherwise trucking along.
Kids have been truly awesome during this whole thing (5 Months+). I have not fought her will for "D", but will not sign anything that I don't agree to.
I am trying LRT (180's & Detaching) right now and trying not to be that reliable fixer that she has always had. Especially since she has moved out in June and already filed rather quickly.
It all happened in March & I was staying with my sister up until I told her that she is the one who needs to move out if this is what she wants, which she didn't fight and said gladly.
I got the same as everyone else on here: I am not happy & don't want to do this anymore...I need to find my happiness, go back to school, start a new career etc...I don't know how to be your wife, nor do I want to. Pretty much the same as everyone else.
Only communication I have with her over last week or two was a txt's here and there about when she wanted me to drop kids off to spend time with her. I know it's too early to tell, but not sure cares at this point that I don't contact her.
We all need to make changes & like MWD says it's sad that wives don't realize that when their husbands wake up and realize that they can & will change, it may be too late.
I have gone through the lashing out, I don't know why I married you, The only good thing to come out of this relationship was the kids, etc...I am just not interested in hearing it anymore & am done apologizing/asking for forgiveness!
I will keep at my DBing from the DR book I read & keep reading all the advice on these boards.
I truly do have hope & continue to pray...But I have to be honest, it took me awhile to get to the ZERO Expectations stage that I am in now.
I have followed a lot of your posts and have read just about all of the Veteran's advice...I have mostly hit the acceptance phase, with a few discouraging days of doubt, but otherwise trucking along.
Kids have been truly awesome during this whole thing (5 Months+). I have not fought her will for "D", but will not sign anything that I don't agree to.
I am trying LRT (180's & Detaching) right now and trying not to be that reliable fixer that she has always had. Especially since she has moved out in June and already filed rather quickly.
It all happened in March & I was staying with my sister up until I told her that she is the one who needs to move out if this is what she wants, which she didn't fight and said gladly.
I got the same as everyone else on here: I am not happy & don't want to do this anymore...I need to find my happiness, go back to school, start a new career etc...I don't know how to be your wife, nor do I want to. Pretty much the same as everyone else.
Only communication I have with her over last week or two was a txt's here and there about when she wanted me to drop kids off to spend time with her. I know it's too early to tell, but not sure cares at this point that I don't contact her.
We all need to make changes & like MWD says it's sad that wives don't realize that when their husbands wake up and realize that they can & will change, it may be too late.
I have gone through the lashing out, I don't know why I married you, The only good thing to come out of this relationship was the kids, etc...I am just not interested in hearing it anymore & am done apologizing/asking for forgiveness!
I will keep at my DBing from the DR book I read & keep reading all the advice on these boards.
I truly do have hope & continue to pray...But I have to be honest, it took me awhile to get to the ZERO Expectations stage that I am in now.
How long have you been together?
How long married?
When did the M go haywire?
What was your role in that?
How old are you children?
Advice for now - Give her space and time. I suspect that she is not entirely sure about anything she is doing now. As Cadet said, believe nothing she says and only half of what you see. She needs to learn to miss you. That won't happen with continued contact, so limit it as much as possible. GAL and detach. Never let her see or hear sadness or depression from you. No one wants to be with a downer. Be upbeat and happy. Fake it til you make it. Work on you (180's).
Do not initiate relationship (R) talk. When she does, simply listen to her and validate her feelings. Do not defend right now.
She is looking for you to be angry or argumentative so that her decision to leave you will be validated. Don't give her that.
Find the 37 rules, cut and paste them, and read them often.
Tell us more about your M.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Signature updated to reflect how long we have been together/married, as well as ages of children.
We married young which is definitely a contributing factor, because at the beginning of the Marriage I wanted my cake & eat it to. Meaning I wanted to go out and hang with friends & come home to her when I was done (very stupid/immature). So after about 2 years into our Marriage she left me while I was stationed in Hawaii & moved back home to Florida (before we had kids). We were separated for about 8 months and pretty much had zero contact (DETACHED) with her. I went home for my buddies wedding in Florida & called her to see if I could come talk etc...
We got back together at this time, then she moved back to Hawaii with me. Her sister called me b4 she moved back to let me know not to trust her & that she had (2) PA's while we were together 1st time around. She owned up to it, begged for forgiveness, had no excuses, so I forgave her. I loved her and missed her very much & felt that I wasn't the man/husband I was supposed to be, so her owning up to it & truly being forthright about it made it easy to forgive her.
From that point (summarized) forward our marriage was pretty decent, with the occasional & natural squables every now and then that all couples have. I feel that the downturn in our marriage was around the beginning of 2009 (already out of military into Corporate America by 2003). That was when I was layed off from a very high paying job (with the debt to go with it). From there we had to file for Bankruptcy. I wasn't quite myself after layoff & bankruptcy (pride/whoa is me attitude), so for 3 years I was distant, angry, depressed etc. and wasn't there for her emotionally when I should have been.
She was a full time elementary teacher for many years, but had taken about 2 years off, which is when I was laid off. Just my opinion: But she was a phenominal teacher who received praise every day from Parents, Students, & Faculty. I think receiving that praise from work on a daily basis might have been what kept her from relying on my gratitude and praise for what she did for all of us as a stay at home Mom (which I clearly didn't do enough of). But what do I know
We never really spent enough quality time together without the children, as well as after my loss of self esteem etc. She told me early on after the Bomb was dropped, that what she missed most about me was My sense of humor, Self Confidence (she also said cockiness), and my outgoing personality. I basically became a whinny angry, whoa is me attitude kind of guy who was miserable, which projected onto her and others.
I think I really screwed the pooch at the beginning of this process. Because since she dropped the Bomb on me in March, I have pursued, whinned, begged, cards etc...Basically everything that all of you and MWD advise against. Who wants to be with a very whinny & weak blubbering fool? I didn't start DBing until about a week ago after I received the paperwork. Up until then I was praying non-stop & relying on the same old crappy tactics of pursuit & begging. Not sure if there is OM involved or not, and honestly don't give a ratz A$$! If there is, I wouldn't blame her a bit. I really hit bottom and totally abondoned the Confident & Fun-Loving Guy that her and everyone else loved me for.
I will elaborate on anything else that you guys need to know & truly have nothing to hide! I obviously don't want to make one post way too long though.
Definitely ready for some assistance, motivation, and ya'll to keep me grounded and moving in the right direction.
Also I have been going to IC & church since this all started, and truly feel great about becoming me again. This of course upsets her tremendously, because she said that why does it take me doing this for you to want to change?
The above information from the vets, good stuff!!!!!!!
It’s quite ironic that you posted on my thread. (BTW, great comments).
I just read your sitch yesterday and I went, WOW, this sounds familiar. I am actually somewhat surprised there’s not more sitches on this site that allude to financial difficulties being a major factor for why people are here. It took me A LONG time to finally come to terms that it’s “not just money”. It’s what’s behind it, what it stands for, security, etc….
In a way I sometime’ s envy other people’s 180’s. Some of them are things such as being more understanding ,controlling or temper issues, etc…. I know everyone’s 180’s can be very difficult. For me, the finance one seems like the hardest 180 of all, even though I know that’s not true. What are your 180’s?
That’s great that you’re not apologizing and not asking for forgiveness. It’s also good to hear that you’re not having the “fixer” mentality. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of reading up, that’s great!!! The vets on this board are just awesome. The advice you receive here will be so helpful as long as you have an open mind. You and your W have been married a long time. I know the pain you’re going through. I am really glad I found this site and I am sure you will quickly learn the value in it as well. Take care of yourself Suppo!
Not sure if there is OM involved or not, and honestly don't give a ratz A$$! If there is, I wouldn't blame her a bit. I really hit bottom and totally abondoned the Confident & Fun-Loving Guy that her and everyone else loved me for.
Suppo, do you really mean this? ^^^ I read your posts, and unless I missed something, "not being confident and fun-loving" isn't really a good reason for someone to cheat on their spouse and break their marital vows.
Just how badly did you mistreat your wife?
I'm concerned because I see in her a repeat cheater, and you seem to be willing to too-easily forgive and just take her back "at any price." That's certainly your choice, but it's rarely a recipe for success; in fact, I'm almost certain that she can smell your fear.
To tie into your username, "supplication" rarely works in CREATING ATTRACTION with a walkaway wife. In fact, you need to do the exact OPPOSITE -- detach, be LESS available, LESS needy, LESS supplicating, etc.
