Starsky and Kaffe, I have really benefited from reading your advice. My H and I are currently living separately. (He moved back into a house he owned before we married where his grown son is also living.) He stops by to see me regularly and still says he loves me but wants a divorce (there is no A, that's not how he's wired), that I'm one of the best women in the world but he didn't feel accepted by me (this is about the fifth different reason he's given me) and then when I say OK to the divorce he backtracks and says he'll think about it and then we end up being intimate (at his suggestion). This cycle has repeated about three or four times. I just go dark but friendly in between. Any other advice or suggestions?
Well, I'd stop being intimate, for starters, but that's just me. If someone is basically firing me as their spouse, I'm not going to continue to give them the things that go along with the whole package.
I'll go check out your thread, unbidden. How do you know there is no one else, other than "that's not how my husband is wired," which is, you know, like "famous last words" around here??
I know, I know, famous last words but I have access to all his internet accounts and his cell phone is still on my plan etc. so I could see who he calls and texts. Plus, he's always home and he still wears his ring etc. And, it's so not him he would just divorce me and move on if he wanted an A. We have no joint assets so there is no property to divide and a divorce would be easy. I thought he was really depressed for awhile and maybe BP so I have tried to give him space/time. I think that he is unhappy with himself and projecting and so he says he wants a divorce and then realizes he's unsure and backs off.
The women on the board are very good at describing their play-by-plays. You see what works, because you see it as it happens, and you see it isn't one technique.
2 successful men's stories on the board come to mind, because they are not only successful but pretty well described on the board:
Denver 2010 JackThreeBeans
Please feel free to add stories that are successful and well described.
Dr. Jim Conway and his wife Sally (deceased) pretty much wrote the book on Midlife Crisis. Reading their research is a good place to start.
Agreed. And Michele and Virginia agrees. help and MLC is really a separate discussion. Many experience this as the normal painful transitions and hard to face realities in life.
Many experience and describe this as mental illness. There are folks that are associated with Michele such as the Conways that have thoroughly researched this and I think the 'temporary mental illness' description as very real and there are things that a spouse can do that will help the spouse g et through this. some of this is described in DR, but Michele says if this is what you are going through, you need to research it. The Conways' work is a great place to begin.
Of course, these folks often have affairs which mixes up the discussion. And complicates it.
i just wanted to thank you KD for starting this thread and to all of you for the discussion. it has been so interesting an driven me so much to learn an d think about.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
