It is incredibly hard to stand up to someone when you know their response to your standing up might be to throw out the big D. Everyone here lives with that fear so know that your not alone.....doing it firmly and respectfully is the key.
Yes, that is usually a betrayed spouse's biggest fear. If you have to practice it ahead of time, alone, then do so in order for it to be natural, but when my wife threatened divorce (and she did, frequently, even though I knew she hadn't even met with an attorney yet!) simply say:
"Do what you feel is best, and I will do the same. I don't want a divorce, but wee're both adults, and we can't control each other and I understand that."
Or something similar. The important thing is to state that while you don't WANT a divorce, you don't FEAR one, either, and to validate her.
