doubleAA, We ALL make tons of mistakes while DBing....but we're constantly working to stop making them, thats the real difference. Its not that your not ready, its just that you haven't gotten to the point where you can apply them more often than not.
Stop engaging in the relationship talk first off. Its the first thing you can do...it will accomplish many things. It will make her wonder...it will keep you from getting hurt or hurting yourself by not getting the answers you want to hear right now...it will allow her to relax more. When she asked you if anything was wrong I can assure you she was talking about at this very moment....not is anything wrong in general with your life...she knows about the other no need to rehash those things. She was fishing to see if you were ok with her being out all night I would think so thats why she wanted to know if anything was wrong.
I havent read through your whole sitch yet and I will, but just based on this post I have a feeling that your relationship has some control issues to it and she's wanting to know if your willing to give that up so she's going to push you and see if you'll react. The number one way to defeat that is to not react. Its a very simple 180....when she says is something wrong say no.
Im gonna read a bit more of your sitch and see what i've missed but from what I know right now you have a wonderful opportunity to turn this thing around but you have to stop shooting yourself in the foot.
I have one piece of advice that I hope you'll take....dont talk about your feelings...your relationship with her....why she won't "work" on your marriage....doing any of that right now is reinforcing the negative and thats the last thing you want.
Smile...be nice....read the book and if you've read the book read it again. I can see this working out for you, but not if you keep pushing.
When she asked you if anything was wrong I can assure you she was talking about at this very moment....not is anything wrong in general with your life...she knows about the other no need to rehash those things. She was fishing to see if you were ok with her being out all night I would think so thats why she wanted to know if anything was wrong.
Yep -- it was a test, and you failed it. Like it or not, women like to test their men, to see if they can make them feel safe in the relationship.
My wife had an affair, five years ago. One night, she said she would be home "at a decent hour" (which, in our house would mean like 10:30 or 11:30 -- maybe midnight at the latest). She even texted me around 11:00 to say "I'll be home soon" (she had lied about where she was going, but my intel told me she was with OM, so I was certain).
She came home at 1:15.
What did she come home to? A locked house, with all of the lights off, including the driveway and front porch lights.
The next day, I told her "I'm glad you're safe, but if you're going to disrespect me by coming home after midnight, then please just stay out all night. I won't have our marital home become a hotel for you."
She never did it again.
Your wife doesn't respect you, AA, and since women tie their feelings of love very closely with their feelings of respect, she's LOSING ATTRACTION for you when you don't stand up to her. I'm NOT saying "be an ass" -- just lovingly and firmly tell her that it's disrespectful to you and to your marriage for her to stay out until 6am, and then lie to you about who she was with.
That's what I would do. That is what I DID. She initially was PI*SED at me, but she got over it in less than 24 hours, and her respect for me GREW.
Yes DB are simple ideas, yet really hard do implement when all of your emotions are out control. On thing, Carnac is correct, W is controling the situation right now and my fear of losing her again is making me do stupid things I should not do.
I need to cool off right now, I am putting myself under a lot of stress because of my sitch. Thanks for your support.
I do feel W does not respects me. I am afraid to stand up to her for the fear I will lose her. She also said that she knew I was doing everything right, but that it was just not in her to reciprocate.
At that moment I felt like quiting, I took some of my clothes to get out and she was looking at me and asked me what I was doing, and to stop getting my clothes. I continued getting my stuff and she said "live everything as it is, let us cool down and we will talk in the afternoon." I did, I came to work and like I said I need to cool off.
Any advice on what should I say. In your experience, any advice on what she might say?
It is incredibly hard to stand up to someone when you know their response to your standing up might be to throw out the big D. Everyone here lives with that fear so know that your not alone.....doing it firmly and respectfully is the key.
If she's saying your doing everything right but its not in her to reciprocate then validate her feelings by telling her that its ok if she doesn't feel like reciprocating, but that you would like for her to respect the fact that your still married, and that your still living under the same roof and b/c of that some common decency is expected...and that doesn't include coming in at 6 am no matter who she is with.
And as far as what you should say.....unless she brings it up I think you should say nothing. I would think that since you didnt bring it up in the moment that its bad to rehash and that you should wait to see if she repeats the behavior and if she does then you'll be ready with what your response to it will be. If she brings it back up and your forced into the conversation then explain very clearly and respectfully how you feel about her staying out all night, thats its disrespectful of you and your marriage and then shut up.
If she's saying your doing everything right but its not in her to reciprocate then validate her feelings by telling her that its ok if she doesn't feel like reciprocating, but that you would like for her to respect the fact that your still married, and that your still living under the same roof and b/c of that some common decency is expected...and that doesn't include coming in at 6 am no matter who she is with.
And as far as what you should say.....unless she brings it up I think you should say nothing. I would think that since you didnt bring it up in the moment that its bad to rehash and that you should wait to see if she repeats the behavior and if she does then you'll be ready with what your response to it will be. If she brings it back up and your forced into the conversation then explain very clearly and respectfully how you feel about her staying out all night, thats its disrespectful of you and your marriage and then shut up.
I do feel W does not respects me. I am afraid to stand up to her for the fear I will lose her.
This is the problem. Your problem and mine.
It the common theme of all the books in my pile.
What we fear we create.
The less we need their respect the more we get it.
The more respect we have for ourselves the more we get from others.
In a conversation she will have the upper hand - she will know what's going on (if anything), what she wants, and how she feels. He mind will be clearer. She'll be throwing out the tests. I sometimes try to minimize the damage by sitting in a comfortable place, listening carefully, moving very little and slowly, talking slowly, talking very little, often giving a minimal acceptable response, and having a few canned responses ("That's a lot to hear. I'll need to think about that."). If your voice goes up, or you do even close to half the talking you're probably losing. Oh, and - this courtesy of my wife, wonder what others would suggest here - don't apologize. for. anything. At most say "well, now that I know how you feel I might have done things a bit differently".
PS - I often fail at all of these. But when I don't, they work.
It is incredibly hard to stand up to someone when you know their response to your standing up might be to throw out the big D. Everyone here lives with that fear so know that your not alone.....doing it firmly and respectfully is the key.
Yes, that is usually a betrayed spouse's biggest fear. If you have to practice it ahead of time, alone, then do so in order for it to be natural, but when my wife threatened divorce (and she did, frequently, even though I knew she hadn't even met with an attorney yet!) simply say:
"Do what you feel is best, and I will do the same. I don't want a divorce, but wee're both adults, and we can't control each other and I understand that."
Or something similar. The important thing is to state that while you don't WANT a divorce, you don't FEAR one, either, and to validate her.
That's exactly how it's done.