Rough, Glad to hear you went to the BBQ and hung out with some friends. Its awesome to be "in the moment" at something like that and later realize that you haven't once thought about all of the other crap going on in life. I think that has alot to do with detaching and GAL....learning to live in this moment right now, we have no control over the future and can't change the past so if we can simply learn to "do" this moment correctly then everything else will take care of itself.
Its almost uncanny to hear you say that she called with some complaint right after you finished...its as though they have a sixth sense and know your head is clearing and your smiling and thats when they call. I had a day earlier this week when everything went incredibly well....I was smiling and feeling good and knew that if I didnt stall some that she and I would run into one another at my parents b/c she was going by there to pick up S11...so I stalled for 45 minutes trying to make sure she would be there and gone before I showed up.....not that I dont want to see her, just that one day didnt want to have to have an interaction......after stalling 45 minutes I show up and of course she's there and she's just leaving. So we had to have the interaction I didnt want to have....and then she blew out the door. Guess I should have stalled for 46 minutes.
Its interesting to hear you talk about you and W still loving each other very much....i feel the same way and know that my wife does as well, but im still not sure that she's not going to file the papers in a couple more months. I really don't know and am not trying to mind read at all, but I do think that she is capable of "loving" me and still wanting a divorce. Personally its not something I understand, but I know its what she has said.
Going to BBQ's, GAL, hanging with friends...all of that is great, but I think what we have to work toward is being able to have those quiet moments without being consumed by our sitch's. Its pretty easy to have a great time with friends and forget about everything for a bit....and its necessary to do so, but at some point we all have to be able to sit around quietly and our thoughts not be dominated by thoughts of the sitch. Im certainly not saying im there.....im scared to death of quiet time...the only way I can do it right now is to have a book in my hand and I haven't read a thing thats not relationship related in the past 10 weeks since my sitch started.
But I know that at some point you have to move forward and be able to have those quiet moments....and I really think they come from getting out and doing things like the BBQ and other GAL activities....when you can begin to not think about it in those times then your on the road to being able to not think about it at other times.
When she calls to complain about the kids (or anything), just listen and validate -- do not offer suggestions. Your instinct was right on that one! If she wants you to talk to the kids, talk to them. I think you're doing the right things.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I am always trying to add additional ammo to my arsenal. I am starting to understand the need to just listen and validate. Don’t try to offer solutions or have a “fit it” mentality, right?
Recently W and I have been making sure our daughters stiches heal properly. Here’s the latest email from W.
“The most important thing for scaring is lots of sunscreen on the scar during the day!!! You can give me the Mederma to use at night, but during the day she needs sunscreen. I'll drop the kids off at the house right at 8am tomorrow, or maybe a few minutes before. Can you bring them back to the apartment at 3pm? The apartment is very hard at times!!! I really need to buy bunk beds. Any idea on when you might receive a bonus???”
Acc- I believe you previously mentioned the meaning behind W’s complains. If my memory serves me right, complaining is a symptom that W’s need aren’t being met? This email is borderline comical. D always sleeps in the bed with W. Our S also does the same, just not as much. Regardless, it’s dysfunctional and inappropriate. Just like W wanting me to discipline the kids over the phone, I will bite my tongue with this one because it won’t do any good. For some reason she feels a “bunk bed” will be a cure all, yeah right! Finally, W is constantly asking me when I am getting a bonus. Realistically it won’t be for a couple months however it could be sooner, I just don’t know. Obviously she’s asking because I agreed to give her part of them. I am getting so sick of her asking though. I’ve tried to be crystal clear with her MULTIPLE TIMES. I always tell her that I will make sure to let her know when I will be getting a bonus and she just doesn’t stop asking. It’s getting really annoying. I am getting to the point of not wanting to respond to that question because I’ve already told her that I would let her know.
I will briefly see W tomorrow on our anniversary, arggg!!!!Tough day! I am noticing my posts are starting to show more consistent signs or resentment on my part. Yeah, some of it is venting which is good for me but I don’t want to be a resentful person. I need to stop analyzing everything so much but it’s extremely hard not to. Who knows, maybe analyzing things is how I learn. Once again, I just don’t know. It’s one big giant cluster fuc*!
Me(M):38 W:43 Together: 14 Married: 11 D: 4 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12 Currently DB’ing
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
Just caught up on your posts, and while there are definitely tough times, it seems like you are indeed making some good progress. Keep it up!
Accuary is giving you some amazing advice (and *hint hint* I'd love to have Acc read through my thread) and your "venting" on the board is a great release... IMHO it may very well help to fight off the resentment in the long run... getting it out and having these fine people help you through it!
