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Kimmerz,
First of all I'm happy your comfortable being single and enjoying it. It is a difficult road and its looks like your traveling it well.

As for MLC, believe it that it is that crazy. I remember very little from my MLC but I do remember the day I hit bottom. My opinion is if an MLC'er does not hit bottom they will not get out of the tunnel. Its the opportunity for the MLC to make there way out.

After bottom it took about another 6 months of flatlining then the assent out. My internal life has only gotten better from that point.

Please don't try to understand what your H is going through in MLC. You can't and its not worth. Just pray for him that he gets out.

I am enjoying my singleness as well and its a pleasure reading your thread and how far youve come.

Mirage.

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That is a gold star post, Mirage.

Originally Posted By: mirage
Kimmerz,
First of all I'm happy your comfortable being single and enjoying it. It is a difficult road and its looks like your traveling it well.

As for MLC, believe it that it is that crazy. I remember very little from my MLC but I do remember the day I hit bottom. My opinion is if an MLC'er does not hit bottom they will not get out of the tunnel. Its the opportunity for the MLC to make there way out.

After bottom it took about another 6 months of flatlining then the assent out. My internal life has only gotten better from that point.

Please don't try to understand what your H is going through in MLC. You can't and its not worth. Just pray for him that he gets out.

I am enjoying my singleness as well and its a pleasure reading your thread and how far youve come.

Mirage.


I know the mechanics of depression and transition very, very well. When I put those two together in what would be MLC... the overwhelming depth and breadth of what is going on in those walnuts is... well... overwhelming, without a doubt...

Kimmer, I hoped and hoped and hoped that my W wasn't MLC. I still deny it and the rational is because for me, it doesn't matter, the work is the same, in the moments they can and still are responsible for their actions, yadda, yadda, yadda...

But I had and idea... and as I read, I understood more and more... how MLC from the LBS perspective... is in many ways, hopeless.

We can't do anything to fix the problem. We... are not the actual problem, our M breakdown is simply a symptom of the MLC. And it takes time... a long time... and there's no guarantee the person who comes out the other side will be the personality) that left us.

And I am loathe to say that, because I do believe that if and as a LBS can persevere through the MLCers away mission... there still is a human being in there who can possibly be loved by us and love us, etc...

When people transition, they become... "different"... They can be MOSTLY the same... SOMEWHAT the same... or NOT AT ALL the same... as it is... with MLC...

And waiting to see if there IS someone that we could spend the rest of our life with that comes out the others side... IF they come out the other side... well...

So having said that, the idea here and on a couple other MLC "sympathetic" sites is... be patient... hold on as long as you can (DETACHED)... and then hold on a little more... and some more... until you just can't any more... no one would blame you, who understands... for holding on NOR for letting go... that's all up to you...

We don't want to scare people away who suspect their spouses are MLC. Because that overwhelming aspect of it can just seem... too much...

But if we believe in M... and family... and... then it IS worth it to at least try...

And in the mean time... learn about ourselves, grow, become great people, learn how to support someone who... well, that others would otherwise dump to the curb...

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Wow Mirage and Kaffe,

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. They mean alot.

All I know to do for now is to just let him go, really let him go. And for me to just start living.

The thought of leaving someone alone if they truly hit rock bottom and wanted my help makes me shudder. I just couldn't ever do that.

But I won't worry about that now. He's on his own path now. I have prayed and prayed for God to help XH find his way. I still do and will continue to.


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I've had this idea and I just wanted to share.

Im sure we've all heard about the law of attraction.

Guess what? It's more complicated than what it sounds like... at least in my opinion it is.

I may not have this entirely right, so bear with me. Any clarfications on the law of attraction here are welcome! It's tricky!

In order to attract what we want we need to think of it and focus on the positive feelings it gives us when we envision what we want. We allow ourselves to dream a little bit. But becoming attatched to that desire isn't good. If we become too attatched to it, it's causes discord because we're wanting something so badly because we're lacking it in the first place.The energy we send in wanting to attract something, gets blocked due to the negative emotions we may have to our wants that makes us attatched to it. The result, is nothing, just staying stuck!

So I had this thought. If and when the WAS/MLCER decides they want to reconnect, and have started to wake up to reality, and appear they slowly want to come back in our direction again, when does that usually happen? After the LBS lets go, and get's their life back on track!

Given everything is energy, if we finally do the work and really get to a content and happy place, we're no longer making negative energy in our sitch's and causing discord towards our spouses, by the emotions we feel about them. WE can have No contact till the cows come home and still have negativtiy lurking with the WAS just by the negative feelings we still carry around with us. Im beginning to think that once all that anger, hurt, betrayal, and sadness is finally let go, even when it's not even said to the WAS, then that's when we can see things turn around. The energy shifts.

Possibly the energy shifting on our ends has cause and effect on the WAS MLCer end.

But then again it also has to do with where the MLCer is in their journey to through the tunnel too.

What I question now is, if the the energy that exists between to people, if one changes their energy in a positive way, how does that effect the other person?

One wonderful thing I've discovered by my gift of time now that Im single is taking note of how I feel during certain times of the day. I stop an pay attention to how my moods change as well as how I physically feel. I now know I am very sensitive to the energy or moods that other people have and emulate.

A good example is that work has been so stressful and I just couldn't understand why. Then it dawned on me how when I worked with some people how I would be doing so well, be thriving through the day and way ahead of schedule. Then when I worked with others how I would feel dense, heavy, confused, frustrated, and running behind and the day going very slow. Well as I stood back it had everything to do with who I was working with.

Im now happy to report that who I work with has been changed and it's been such a positive lift!

Hmmmm.....


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The law of attraction can be considered a rephrasing of "you get what you give".

You are on the right track, there.

Any negativity harboured within oneself towards the WAS will come back to us, whether it is conscious or not. What we focus on is what the universe gives back to us.

So consider... one might be focused on the WAS, except what we are putting out isn't love and affection, it's fear, uncertainty, and doubt... so that is what comes back to us...

One thing to also understand about the law of attraction is, what we put out will come back to us, just not necessarily from the expected vector / place / worldly source. Or put another way, what we put out generally, comes back to us from all sources.

It's an interesting phenomena to study. Start small and see what you get. And if/as it works for you, who knows...

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So as a reminder...

Remember to focus on yourself being a better person... see what you get back, there... cool

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Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Any negativity harboured within oneself towards the WAS will come back to us, whether it is conscious or not.


Actually, let me be a little more clear on that. It is understood that what is in our unconscious mind... what our unconscious mind focuses on, is what goes out to the universe and we get back.

I have heard it this way, spoken about some of the best leaders, movers, and shakers...

They will focus on something, very clearly (visualization)... and then... the purposely and specifically stop consciously thinking about it. Eventually, what they were thinking about, or the problem they were trying to solve, arrives to them... as if by "magic"...

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Kimmerz,
I have read the books on mlc by Jim and Sally Conway. Sally's book is written in a way that the lbs understands what their spouse is doing. Sally passed away a few years ago, but her book still lives on and it is very good. Jim's book is good as well and he has a on line group to meet up and chat, very similiar to this one.

Now about the stages, yes, they will bounce from one stage to another. The acceptance stage is the only stage (at the very end) that they will not go back through all of the stages. Kaffe and Mirage have provided excellent comments on mlc and the stages for you.

Mlcers must go through all of the stages and come out the other end. Just because you let go and move on w/your life, doesn't mean that they will snap out of it. Oh, they may come back to earth and appear normal, but if they have not completed the entire crisis, they will have another crisis later on and it will be far worse than the one they put on hold. Many posters believe that if they change, move on or do certain things, it will "rush" the crisis and it will not. Posters will learn as they walk the path that this is not about them and there is absolutely nothing they can do to bring their spouses back to earth. The only thing we can do is let them go and love them unconditionally. Yeah, even when they are @sses we have to look deeper and yes, it's the behavior that we hate, not the person.

Kimmerz, you've read many of the books that I have read and they are all excellent. Take the knowledge you have acquired and allow it to help you let him go in a loving manner. If he should wake up and want to be w/you again, he will find a way to make that happen. Until that time...live your life to the fullest and enjoy your children, as they are growing up quickly.

So, on a lighter note, what do you and the girls have planned for the weekend?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: snodderly
Mlcers must go through all of the stages and come out the other end.
Just because you let go and move on w/your life, doesn't mean that they will snap out of it. Oh, they may come back to earth and appear normal, but if they have not completed the entire crisis, they will have another crisis later on and it will be far worse than the one they put on hold.

Many posters believe that if they change, move on or do certain things, it will "rush" the crisis and it will not.
Posters will learn as they walk the path that this is not about them and there is absolutely nothing they can do to bring their spouses back to earth.

The only thing we can do is let them go and love them unconditionally. Yeah, even when they are @sses we have to look deeper and yes, it's the behavior that we hate, not the person.
Until that time...live your life to the fullest and enjoy your children, as they are growing up quickly.

This advice is so good that it bears repeating and rereading many times.


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Kimmerz,

I'm loving this discussion. Go ahead and keep putting your positivity out there! One never knows what or who it might attract. Sure makes you someone that people want to be around though.

Snodderly's advice is awesome. One thing you don't want to do is get in the MLCer's way and stop or slow down the crisis. Let it run its course because if it's not allowed to it will come back with a vengeance. It will not be denied.

MLC takes a long time. I believe that's why the reconciliation rate is so low. When the MLCer wakes up they find that the LB has moved on and created a happy existence without them.

Have a great weekend!

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