To Lovingly Detach

[Arsene]

I have been through quite a bumpy roller coaster ride over the last month and I've been told many times (by the many patient, good people of this site) that getting DR was imperative. As I've said, it's now been ordered and I got the email from amazone.com that it was shipped 2 days ago. I hope to get it by the beginning of next week, especially so that holiday for the end of the holy month of Ramadan start in the middle of next week and that nothing is open during the following 10 days (even "international" couriers).

In the meantime, I'd like to talk about something with which I've been struggling. Detachment. How to lovingly detach?

At the beginning of my ordeal, or after I came back to this country, where my W was (she'd left 2 month before while I was away)I tried to detach and go dark in order to protect myself from harm, but this resulted in many uncomfortable moments. At that time, it looks like things backfired and for some reasons, W showed up furious one evening, and out of the blue, said she wanted a divorce. She went on that we weren't even friends anymore and that there was no point anyway as there was no way she would ever come back to me. She also said that we were incompatible and that she wanted to end the weirdness between us, among other things. I told her that I disagreed, that I didn't want a divorce but that I would think about it.

In the end, I waited and didn't do anything about it, and things calmed down and for now, the status quo seems acceptable. We talked about divorce one more time after that but in much more friendly terms, she asking me if it would make it easier for me, me saying it wouldn't make a difference but that if she wanted it she could have it but that she would have to do all the work because I wasn't going to help. She then said that she didn't need it either so that's where we are now.

The point to my story, is that ever since her 1st mentioning divorce, I've stopped being dark and tried to simply detach, while remaining loving (but no overly). I have had a hard time with it because when she responds with "kindness" or any form of "positive" emotion, I end up getting overly hopeful and start expecting things which she just isn't ready to give. Every single time, I fell on my face.

Today, while i was at my meditation class, something came to me when the teacher said to look at the world from a spectator point of view.

That is exactly what I do (now) when I drive in the busy traffic of this city (the 2nd worst bad traffic/bad drivers combination in the country). I used to get angry and yell at other drivers because they drove in ways which even drunk drivers in my own country wouldn't do. People drive against the traffic, a family of four on motorcycle with boxes, bags, a chicken and a goat driving while texting someone on their phone, the list goes on. Enough to make me lose my cool more than once and contribute to perhaps my W leaving because she didn't recognize the man she married. Part of my 180s was to control my anger and so far, I have been able to always keep calm when driving because I look at the scene with detachment. I'm looking at it like I was uninvolved, simply watching a play, or a movie. And of course, I make sure to safely stay out of the way of anything which might come at me. It has worked for over a months now. I've not lost it once.

But how do I apply this to my W? I am involved with her (or was). I don't have a relationship with the drivers but I had/want one with my W. So how can I detach the same way with my wife?

I tried to think of a similar situation where I was detached from a situation involving someone I love and then I though about my father.

I saw him over the summer, for the first time in 5 years and probably for the last time in my life. He smokes cigarettes after cigarettes and then goes for his oxygen because the second he stars moving, he starts wheezing.

I love him dearly, and he is doing something harmful to himself which will deprive me of his presence and which will hurt someone else I love, my mother.

Just like my wife, I love her dearly, and she is doing something harmful to herself which will deprive me of her presence and which will hurt someone else I love, my D8.

Yet, I am not affected by my father's behaviour. Why not?

I guess it's because of the inevitability of death. We all die and he has had a long life and we said our goodbyes before I left, knowing well that it would be the last time. There is finality. Acceptance. That is what I think it is.

How should I use this with W? I guess after thinking a long time, I came to the conclusion that I had to look at her situation the same way. As final. She is gone. It is finish. There is nothing I can do about it but to accept it. This marriage of ours is over and there is no going back to it.

Sounds harsh? It's the truth, though. And I always knew it. Now I can detach and still be loving to my W, the same way that I was with my dad. Don't take me wrong, both events sadden me but there simply is nothing that can be done about it.

With that in mind, now I can start to live my life, without expectations and perhaps even without fears of doing this or that wrong.

I am doing the 180s for myself and for my D8 and GAL for myself and for D8 and when W is around, I can still be who I want to be with her, which is kind and loving, the way one is towards an old grandma.

If one day, W decides to come back, I think we'll have to both have a look at who we are before committing to anything, and what ever relationship we might end up having will have to be a new one, with a new way of doing things. Of course, deep down, I hope for this and even, believe that it is a possibility but I'm not going to work on that right now. I'm going to work on getting me and D8 a life as exciting and fun filled as I can manage.

I've felt good all day, going through this thought process and I sure hope I can live by it.

I'll give you updates on my success.

Thanks for listening (I know it was very long, wasn't it?)

PS I know that this is exactly what many/most of you have been telling me. Thanks for being patient. I think I get it now. if I stray, please send me to this post, or feel free to quote it back to me.