Actually, IMHO, yes. I won't go into it here and it is just my opinion.
What I do think and hope might be coming clear is, each one of us has our own compass and while every newbie that comes here would do well to first stop and breathe...
And I believe that most who are here to support, look at that first...
After that, a LBS really should be considering what I think is important factors in their own core belief systems.
If they believe an A is unacceptable and there is NO excuse (and I am actually of that camp, to a large degree) from a zero tolerance perspective, than guiding them in a more moderate or soft approach may not be helpful.
OTOH, when someone is of the belief that MLC is a real, albeit non-medically diagnosable or treatable condition, then supporting them through a softer approach might be more helpful.
I actually believe, from what I've observed here over the past year and a half, that both approaches appear to be "equally effective". Again, my opinion.
Um, not sure which one of my posts you were responding to, but if it's my LAST one, it was an either-or question. "Yes" doesn't really help me (altho the rest of your post does a good job letting us know where you're coming from).
P.S. I could add a #3, something more similar with Denver's approach (there was an old poster here named Mulesqb who is a great example of this approach -- what I would call "The Patience of a Saint Approach"). But it's a rare bird who can pull it off without losing themselves in the process -- it's that damned draining. It takes a ton of patience and usually a very strong spiritual faith.
Starsky
Man, I did have the patience of a saint, didn't I?? LOL!
Actually, as I stated in my piecing thread, I could not have applied this '3rd approach' if I hadn't honestly come to the conclusion that I had been really horrible to my W throughout much of our R/M.
Some have said that I have been too hard on myself because I was a good provider financially, and in a sense that may be true. But I totally neglected the emotional side of my R/M. Especially during the months preceding my W leaving me.
I have forgiven myself for that finally. But it was good enough reason to be patient for someone that I love, for someone who deserved to be treated better than that.
I didn't want to have my M end because I had not given it my best.
That was motivation enough for me to hang in there.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
What will your spouse be doing, what will the two of you be doing?
EVERY situation is different, there is NO ONESIZEFITSALL approach. Per DR with references to 'read more': Look at CONTEXT with DR
Context: General Most marriages DO survive infidelity (p. 193)
Context: When He/She won't end the affair: Affairs don't usually result in marriage, and when they do, most end in divorce (p. 214) Folks will tell you to 'stop being a doormat and go on with your life." Trust your instincts. Don't let anyone tell you what to do. If you're not ready to give up on your marriage, keep fighting. (p. 215)
Context: Last Resort Technique (you've tried 'everything' and what you are doing is making things WORSE begin p. 215
"You have some investigative work to do. No, I don't mean snooping around to find out what is really going on." (p. 216)
"You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need tomake some changes. Don't tell your spouse that youare going to change or that things iwll be different, just start acting differently."
This stage is NOT about boundaries.
Context: AFTER THE LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE (p. 218) (if nothing above has worked and you are done, asnd you're aspouse still refuses to stop seeing the OP.)
Context: DO NOT DO THIS UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO END YOUR MARRIAGE, because that's what it might do. p. 219.
"Tell your spouse tha tyou love him/her enough that you are prepared to let go, then back off completely."
This is boundary setting .... letting go unless other person is completely out of the picture. more details in page 219. Also, it's the advice Starsky and Sandi2 and many others give regularly. It works and it doesn't work. You have to know your goal and your ability and desire to work things out or move on.
Be very clear. This may end your marriage. It may also spark saving it. It will not save it alone without other skillset building.
Internet infidelity descriptions in the chapter are details based on the same contexts. Know your context. Know your goal, desire. Advice is useless without knowing what you want your outcome to be.
Tombstone... one of my favorites! Val Kilmer is great!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
