it is so confusing...is it mlc, personality disorder, or just extreme selfishness?? do we throw them out, seduce them, expose them, be their friend, make ultimatums, act as if, let them be the one to initiate the D... HELP!!!
i think we need to look at our spouse before the BD and ask ourselves who they really have been... if they have changed SIGNIFICANTLY, suddenly have become an alien... then i think we have to consider MLC.. a personality disorder does not simply appear... you would have seen this traits before the BD. .. it seems to me that the MLCer shows a lot of traits of a personality disorder but so does an adolescent..
and i think each M, each person and each sitch is unique.. and the answer for one M is not the answer for all.. i think that is why MWD suggests that you see what works.. there is no one answer.
and ultimately there is no magic answer.. perhaps why the things the vets who R did worked is as much about who their spouses are as it is about what the vets did.. it takes TWO.. and that is what is out of our control.
anyhow, i say all this bc i feel overwhelmed by all the info sometimes and wonder if you do too.
and honestly..
i think you are hurting right now, zig and rightfully so.. and now may not be the time to decide anything but just to feel.. and to take your time with the answers which ultimately have to fit with the zig you want to be in the world..
and stay on the blanket.. i am clutching onto it now.. pass the black label
(((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
anyhow, i say all this bc i feel overwhelmed by all the info sometimes and wonder if you do too.
yes ng - that^^^ is the overriding feeling more than anything going on in my sitch including what is currently said by h or happening with ow.
and yes i am hurting, just like we all are
but the funny thing - tonight i just feel really peaceful - i sobbed after s left with fil who picked him up, for about 10 mins, really feeling a loss. and then i went to meditate - for once not spinning:) and after that i've just been peaceful - for now, just really accepting where i am - completely.
wonder how much black label did drink
you guys have been passing me so many shots the last few days...
and ng - you can clutch all you want - and as you relax into accepting that you're clutching you actually ease up on the hold i think, without even quite realizing it
great big clutching hugs to you
and yes - lots of black label - heck i'm bringing the whole case!
(((((((( )))))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
and thank you even more for "planting the seed" - it was something i definitely needed to hear. it's propelled me just a bit more forward in the right direction
Some people can spend ten or twenty years in recovery and not realize it.
i don't want that to be me
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
KD - sometimes you are so d@mn cryptic, I have no idea what you are saying!!
maybe it's all that dang black label... hard to walk around here with all them empty bottles... lol...
If the LBS has second thoughts about dropping the rope, moving on, and filing D... then they aren't done, yet.
One can have regret staying too long in recovery as chatter stated. ie. missing out on a new, fresh life because they were still standing for a R that never happens.
One can have regret for moving on and filing D because they think that maybe if they had waited one more month, one more year... if they have done one more thing...
There is potential to regret EITHER decision. So if you keep standing, do not regret it, you are choosing to. If you choose to move on and file D, do not regret it, you are choosing to.
Don't stay stuck in indecision because you fear regret. Just make a choice when you decide to, and own that responsibility.
And here's something else... for every moment the LBS does not make a choice... it's a choice by proxy, to stay standing. Every LBS who thinks they are in limbo, is actually choosing to continue to stand. Own the choice, call it something other than limbo, and keep standing. Or.... move on...
That's not a challenge to you, I'm just stating in a different way, the "do or don't do, there is no try" ism... All LBS face this.
Now, just because you move on, does not mean you need to D. I had a friend who M last year. They went to get the paperwork and the judge indicated that her fiancée was still M and needed to get the old M legally ended, first. While he probably didn't "forget", it was a legal separation from 10 years prior and he obviously got so used to "not being M", that he didn't realize the paperwork hadn't been done.
He only NEEDED to D, because he was getting M.
So that question is for you. Why D, unless you need to? What does D "mean" to you? What are your reasons to D? How does D... serve you...?
