MLC with depression....double the fun!

[albamarie]

H just told me that at work last night he blamed me for not see the future and the financial devastation it would have on us. (we are not affected at all by the econ. we just couldn't sell our house, but we still have a home)

He took hold of himself (after the rant) and doesn't blame me, but can't believe it came out of his mouth.

It's hard to heal yourself in the mist of someone else's tornado!

[albamarie]

Also, H told me that he admitted to this guy at work that he is not capable or smart anymore with bills or finances. "That's what my wife is good at, she built a strong financial foundation for us".

Over the weekend he watched Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. How fitting!

So I'm doomed to be his "caretaker" ?

Maybe that's why he never moved out...he used to say "let me go" as I was telling him to leave. It was like he was shaking his head no, while his mouth was saying yes.

I have moved the savings into an account without his name. Also, I hide the credit cards that are in his name.

Do I really need to be this careful? Guess it doesn't hurt.

[Cadet]

Do I really need to be this careful? Guess it doesn't hurt.

YES

[albamarie]

I see that I am going through stages, grief will be a long lasting one (yrs) as I feel so sad for the H I lost.

With grief I feel sad for the yrs we built together just to spend them possibly apart. One day have grandkids in separate homes.

I am angry that he feels the need to better OW quality of life cause she's a drunk on welfare. His EA is so deeply rooted he calls her his crazy counterpart that balances him out.

H said he's not going to leave the family but his anger won't let him "come back".

I don't know what to do...we sleep in the same bed.

Today he apologized for saying he didn't love me, because that was the husband I knew, and H today is someone completely different.

He even went on to say that I may like this guy better because his anger will allow him to be a stronger person.

While he was talking all I could think of is how it would be nice to be talking to a rational guy who smelled good.

I started wanting to be somewhere else with someone else. I am finally opening up to the idea that there are other men in the world.

My married eyes that have been pure, are opening and noticing men again.

My H brought me to tears with some of his words, but it's not that deeply intense pain as before. More of a cry for the nearing end of our M as it was...and possibly for good.

[albamarie]

H apologized again this morning for "saying such evil things". He claims after he said those things it put a whole in his stomach.

How does the LBS GAL while H is still in the house. Am I even the definition of LBS?

It's "my" version of my H is who's gone. Yea, the version that I want to be with, not this guy!

[albamarie]

Today the heat has finally broke and I feel a hint of what fall will be like. The next thought is "I have to go through another fall with "him".

I want to shove his apology up his a$$. Yea, that's anger!

I think I should just stay quiet...his new remorseful character means nothing at this point!

Still trying working on me while in the mist of his tornado.

[albamarie]

Ok, so I didn't have a good morning today. His words brought me down and I needed to work through them.

My H is the financial back bone of this family...he and I agreed the kids would be home with me.

Well, their all out of high school and I wasn't going to stay home , but look into something work wise or going back to school.

I felt this rush of needing to get to work and support myself now.

H explained he's not moving out or leaving me, (he never spoke D after that one time) and I should take my time and work on my plans.

He said nothings different except that he's a little wakadoodle (that's all) and he is not the "happy go lucky family man" he used to be. Oh, and his friends I HATE are still in his life.

H swears he's not having an FA nor has he since last winter. He claims not to want to be a hypocrite ( he hates how men treat women), ok!

But, regardless of everything that comes out of his mouth I need to protect me and my kids.

He's not a liar, but he's not my H anymore, so listener beware.

I'm going to look into classes tomorrow with my D18...oh she'll love that!

Maybe one or two classes and then a pt job. I need to meet new people. The two friends I have new me when I was 18yrs old. The're more like habitual than fun.

Thank God, I get out of depression on my own...I can't imagine going through what he is experiencing. I will continue to treat him kind...no one else does.

[Cadet]

You asked

How does the LBS GAL while H is still in the house. Am I even the definition of LBS?

then you answered yourself

Maybe one or two classes and then a pt job. I need to meet new people.

Asked and answerered.

GOOD JOB!

Now just DO IT!

[albamarie]

Since we have been together my H has called me "mama" his spiritually enduring way to address me.

He has never stopped addressing me this way and I am starting to worry about the effects it may have.

In MLC stages I am reading MLCers may, through anger and rebellion, see their spouse as a mother figure rather than his wife.

I am not sure if a nickname would be cause for him to create that parental vision of me. I tend to think it would have been there anyway as the wife, caregiver, and mother to all.

Anyway, I'm wondering if I should have him call me by my name. Create a boundary in our relationship?

But, then am I not taking away something unique to our relationship that has belonged to him all these years? He may see it as me trying to create a separation between us.

I think if I make boundaries there not suppose to be so "in your face" more behind the scene, subtle changes that he doesn't recognize easily.

It's still sweet when he says it but then I recoil at the idea that he is not the same loving man.

[Cadet]

In MLC stages I am reading MLCers may, through anger and rebellion, see their spouse as a mother figure rather than his wife.

When we pick our spouses we unconsiously pick the best traits of our opposite sex parent and the opposite of the their worst traits.

So your husband viewing you as his momma is not unusual.

You may have picked out some traits of your father in your husband and the opposite of any of your fathers BAD traits.

I do not think your boundary is enforceable.
You can try but how will you enforce it when he breaks it?

Normally a boundary is something like I will not have a relationship with you if you do _______.
Or I will not speak to you if you do _______.

Those are ones that you can enforce because YOU CONTROL what is to be done.

Also know that a BOUNDARY may not speed up his crisis, it just may not help to slow it down.

It is protecting YOU.

Hope that helps