Exactly...no matter how you feel inside, make sure your demeanor is as calm as you can make it. It might be tough b/c you should be, and deserve to be excited, the lunch and accepting the invite are good things, but you need to have zero expectations and make every interaction pleasant.
I got upset when my W filed for separation last year. I went looking for reasons on her computer, her phone, and her facebook account. I begged her to let me try to be better. I pushed her to promise not to leave. We talked for several hours one day because I wanted to get her to say the words "I promise." Now I understand I was trying to wear her down because she usually gave when if we argued or talked long enough.
This is something that we never could work out, really. My W tends to size things up pretty quickly. Once something is done, it's done, and she doesn't like to analyze. She used to tell me I asked the same questions over and over and get really frustrated when we needed to decide something and I would say, "I don't know." I like to talk something completely through and ask all of the questions I need to ask to understand something or come to a decision. I admit that I sometimes just avoided decisions because she seemed to have an easier time making them. This is something I am not sure how to change.
PJ, your a smart guy obviously, and we've all done that looking for reason thing. I went through phone records, emails, ipad history.......here's the hardest thing to take. She didnt leave for any reason other than you. And please take that as kindly as I mean for it to come across, because when I say it im really talking to me. You sound as completely neurotic as I was....is there any doubt what drove our wives away?
I did the same thing you did....constant neediness, wanting reassurance, always wanting her to tell me she'd never leave me. And even while she was telling me that I would tell her that I knew one day i'd drive her away by worrying about it. It became a self fulfulling prophecy....quit being such a wimp and have some confidence. Your wife didnt start dating you, fall in love with you, and marry you so that she could divorce you.
No one ever got married in the hopes that sooner or later it would fail and they could become a statistic. And no one ever married anyone that was acting like you and I acted in the last couple of years. Your wife is trying to find the man and reason she married you to begin with so she can stay married, help her find that person. And the only way you can ever help her find that person is by finding him yourself. Thats the journey im on, care to join me?
I know there are exceptions to this, and I know that you can find alot more stories of people who didnt reconcile than those that did, but the fact of the matter is if your spouse has left and has yet to file then their not sure they want to get a divorce and their looking to you to let them know which way they should go. I think its really that simple, you can push them away by trying to pull them close, or you can give them space, change yourself and most likely they'll wanna come in for a closer look.
And as is said here so many times, what do you have to lose by improving yourself and detaching now, if this doesn't work out your going to have to look internally for the answers then anyway, by beginning now you simply get a head start on the process.
Smile professorjay and enjoy the weekend, absolutely nothing is "done" at this point.
My daughter called saying her mom didn't feel well. I went over there, and W had had several episodes of sweating, racing heart, confusion, blackout. I finally took her to the ER. They determined that her potassium was low and that they wanted to do further cardiac tests. She has mitral valve prolapse, and she hasn't had an echo in several years.
We went back to her house at around 8:00 last night, and I slept on the couch. She kept apologizing for causing me trouble. This morning she slept in (unusual for her but needed) and I made her a banana smoothie. She said she was better, so I left and told her that if she needed to call she could.
That has nothing to do with marriage, but I was glad she let me help take care of her.
There isn't much new on the marriage front. W is still going through tests. Supporting without hovering around her is my goal. This also gives me a chance to practice NOT speculate and talk about all the possible scenarios. That is something that used to cause W stress. She said worrying about all the worst-case "ifs" (that is what she calls them) was borrowing trouble and she always felt she had to reassure me.
Things have turned a little. W had an MRI, and her doctor advised her against driving. She had a vacation planned with the kids and she was very upset about the thought of cancelling it. The kids were excited about it. So after giving it some thought, I offered to go and drive. I said our son could room with me and our daughter could room with her. She kind of hesitated...I could tell she was nervous and kind of felt bad about it. So I just offered and told her to think about it. A day later she called me and said if I was sure she really appreciated it.
It was a fun, kind of low key time. She couldn't ride some things, but all in all we had a good time. I can tell she has been doing some counseling or reading or something because there were a few things that would have been sources of conflict before that were no big deal. That kind of impressed me.
Today a new thing to consider came about. I took her to her follow up appointment. Again, I just offered casually and left it in her lap to call me back. I am glad I went. She has something called a convexity meningioma. It is a brain tumor, but it is not cancer. The doctor said it isn't uncommon, but of course the phrase "brain tumor" is always scary to hear. In her normal way, she is joking about it, but I know she is scared.
So I want to be supportive, be strong, and help her through this. Does anyone have suggestions?
So far you're doing great. Have you interacted with her one-on-one much? Like joking, etc.? When you take her to another appointment, tell her "hey it's close to lunch, let's grab a bite" and go into somewhere totally new.
You want her to equate "new" with how your relationship is. Show her that everything is new and it's a clean slate. She's watching you more than ever now.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
On one of the nights we were away, our kids were playing a game on my laptop, so I asked her if she wanted to go downstairs to the restaurant for something to drink. She agreed, and we had a good time just chatting and laughing about the day.
I know that I needed to make a lot of changes. But I didn't expect to see the good changes in her. She seems more comfortable or peaceful with herself. She seems more laid back. Since she was so easygoing seeming, I had the chance to kind of step up a few times on our trip.
I know that it is one step at a time and I am not going to push her. But I am trying to make sort of natural ways for her to be able to see the way I have worked on myself. I have no clue how to address the sex part. That was the really big thing that just made her feel really hurt and rejected.
How about getting her a rose the next time you go out? If she asks you why you got it, just say "just because". Or tell her that you are concerned about her and that you don't want to lose someone who is so special and means so much to you.
Flirting here and there couldn't hurt as well. Show her that you are listening to her. Imagine she's someone totally new whom you want to get to know. What would you be doing?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
