well then i should laugh at myself - i've spent the last couple of days alternatively crying and saying to myself - get over it zig, enough now. it's time to get past this
this is a process and each step brings up new feelings..
our confidence must come from how we have not only survived but grown through the preceding levels..
it is as if our spouses are actually our zen masters.
yes!! you're sounding more like the zen master hereif you ask me.
and in between my two emotional states, i try to remind myself of how far i have indeed come
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
oh good grief, no starsky - if he did that i would be genuinely disgusted at his callous behavior not only initially towards me but towards ow also
It's almost like you're having to grieve the loss of your marriage before you have any hope of possibly saving it. Since you yourself have said you tend to process things slowly and throughly, maybe you are just now getting to this stage?
i believe that i did go through some stages of grief about the marriage being over. but i'm doing it from a different angle once again. as i wrote to KD a couple of posts back - i'm seeing this from a new angle - i think all these months i was grieving that h left because of mlc and i "understood" on a certain level.
but now when i see more that he has deliberately on some level left for very selfish reasons, it's a different kind of grieving or acceptance.
i don't know if i'm more slow on the uptake, or if i tend to only want to see things i want to see. i look back on our marriage and i can't really see what was so devastatingly wrong for h - no one else could see it either. i lived with a man who had an amazing talent for NEVER saying what he felt or needed, even when i begged to know. and i did - all the time. too much friggin' wanting to make things right for him, i suppose.
it's not so much that his statements about ow matter - it's his statements about our marriage that matter
don't forget starsky - about one month ago he came to tell me that he wanted to file for divorce because he didn't want to hide his relationship with ow any longer, and he couldn't not hide it if we were still married, and that's why he wanted to D
now just a few weeks later - i still want a d, even if ow and i don't work out.
so he wants a d anyway - i'm just getting used to that new perspective
and it [censored] - and this may sound petty - but if he doesn't really need a d for another relationship, it would be nice if he left it for now - it's possible that in 3 or 4 months i'm in a situation where i don't have any health insurance and no chance of being able to afford to get it on my own. and i do feel that
and even if this comes from a place of resentment (and yes, i accept the 2 x 4's gracefully), it is difficult for me to forget that this man insisted that i move here 11 yrs ago - was not willing to wait or consider any other option and i left another country which i really loved and enjoyed being in - AND friggin' had socialized medicine to cover me for the rest of my life
what's the pattern i see now? a man, who seems to make big life decisions on a whim, forcing the people around him to accept it and deal with it, no matter how painful - and keeps trodding along oblivious to the effect and strain it puts on others.
the arbitrary - my way or the highway! he's always lived that and is certainly doing that right now. i got it by the bucketful all these years. ow is getting the first taste of it!!
so i don't know if i'm "reacting" right now, because i am hurt, or if my eyes are just getting opened wider for the first time - very wide to what the reality is.
i'm not getting angry towards h, i'm more seeing who he was and has become. and maybe what i am saddened by more, is that i didn't have the self-awareness all these years to have the guts to see what really was. i did see it in some ways, but denied it continually to myself. after all if i really accepted it then the question was, what the hell was i doing?
and of course now, the real question is what the hell am i doing right now - much more important one
i fear i may have answered you wit a post that's all over the place. maybe i'm just starting to really question my own sanity in this - i've done it before also, but this round seems a lot longer
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
First zig, you know that crises is crises, no matter what pronoun we add to it.
Inside depression, there is consciousness. There just may not always be rational pre-thought. Impulsiveness is a key here as is "memory loss" and also "confusion" / flip flopping. The MLCer feels an emotional pain or "deadness" which they are desperate to escape. fear = flight (perhaps foremost).
I could surmise that the memory loss is the brains way of pushing off traumatic moments, whether self inflicted or externally perceived.
There ARE moments of clarity and during those times of clarity, one MIGHT come to the conclusion that something within them is "wrong" and state that point, even without being able to express it otherwise.
So someone in MLC COULD recognize they are MLC. And sometimes they may also just use it as an excuse and not really believe it, anyhow.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Now regarding Class B (or other) personality disorders... in similarity to addictions... it is extremely difficult to coax one with mental health issues to get (probably necessary) help.
Many PDs have a propensity towards self denial or otherwise they feel justified.
So my personal opinion is, the tough stand really is... accept what is and leave.
And that is OK.
IF one is NOT PREPARED to do that, then a soft approach of GAL and personal growth through introspection can tide you through until maybe... just maybe... the crises ends.
There are some medical conditions that can either bring on previously non-existent PDs or create a condition where subtle PD-like behaviours become exaggerated and pronounced.
Generally speaking though, PDs don't otherwise magically appear. They exist and begin to show up quite early in a person's life.
IF the person with a PD is diagnosed and treated, that can help reduce the behaviours, to the extent they appear non-existent. In other cases, a person with an undiagnosed PD COULD self manage. If undiagnosed and self managed, an observer may still see certain symptoms / behaviours as being prevalent throughout the peron's life.
And there is a... disclaimer about MLC... one that is hard to say and hard to hear. It does happen that, as the phrase was coined, "they never come out of the tunnel". What you see is what you get. The behaviours are permanent. Or alternately, the person who comes out of the MLC tunnel, really is someone that is so different, the cognitive dissonance of the LBS basically interferes with the LBS's ability to ever reconnect with the MLCer.
Ultimately... you have to make the choice. No expectations, no regrets, focus on the past good, ignore the bad. And in some cases, it might mean and/or require a complete severing of connectedness, as applicable (kids / no kids) in order to move forward for the LBS.
in terms of working on saving the marriage - does there come a point where you just actively stop trying any more, and that's just the stage i am beginning to reach? why am i so effing emotional about it then!!!
zig
Zig what you are saying reminds me of something I read (I can't remember where, maybe it was here . . . my head is so full of stuff I can't remember where I saw what anymore) - the analogy that we cling so tightly to our M, to the rope - that when we let go, our hand is cramped from holding on so tightly. It is uncomfortable, but, eventually, the tension is released, the discomfort subsides, and we are able to regain our hand's ability again. I think what you are feeling is normal - it is moving to another stage, another growth spurt, and yes that causes the release of some built up emotions.
You are excellent right where you are. If you feel a bit dizzy, just have a seat on the blanket for a little bit. You are in the middle of some deep stuff right now.
yes. 
