A Huddle of Turtles

[zig]

oh good grief, no starsky - if he did that i would be genuinely disgusted at his callous behavior not only initially towards me but towards ow also


It's almost like you're having to grieve the loss of your marriage before you have any hope of possibly saving it. Since you yourself have said you tend to process things slowly and throughly, maybe you are just now getting to this stage?


i believe that i did go through some stages of grief about the marriage being over. but i'm doing it from a different angle once again. as i wrote to KD a couple of posts back - i'm seeing this from a new angle - i think all these months i was grieving that h left because of mlc and i "understood" on a certain level.

but now when i see more that he has deliberately on some level left for very selfish reasons, it's a different kind of grieving or acceptance.

i don't know if i'm more slow on the uptake, or if i tend to only want to see things i want to see. i look back on our marriage and i can't really see what was so devastatingly wrong for h - no one else could see it either. i lived with a man who had an amazing talent for NEVER saying what he felt or needed, even when i begged to know. and i did - all the time. too much friggin' wanting to make things right for him, i suppose.

it's not so much that his statements about ow matter - it's his statements about our marriage that matter

don't forget starsky - about one month ago he came to tell me that he wanted to file for divorce because he didn't want to hide his relationship with ow any longer, and he couldn't not hide it if we were still married, and that's why he wanted to D

now just a few weeks later - i still want a d, even if ow and i don't work out.

so he wants a d anyway - i'm just getting used to that new perspective

and it [censored] - and this may sound petty - but if he doesn't really need a d for another relationship, it would be nice if he left it for now - it's possible that in 3 or 4 months i'm in a situation where i don't have any health insurance and no chance of being able to afford to get it on my own. and i do feel that

and even if this comes from a place of resentment (and yes, i accept the 2 x 4's gracefully), it is difficult for me to forget that this man insisted that i move here 11 yrs ago - was not willing to wait or consider any other option and i left another country which i really loved and enjoyed being in - AND friggin' had socialized medicine to cover me for the rest of my life

what's the pattern i see now? a man, who seems to make big life decisions on a whim, forcing the people around him to accept it and deal with it, no matter how painful - and keeps trodding along oblivious to the effect and strain it puts on others.

the arbitrary - my way or the highway! he's always lived that and is certainly doing that right now. i got it by the bucketful all these years. ow is getting the first taste of it!!

so i don't know if i'm "reacting" right now, because i am hurt, or if my eyes are just getting opened wider for the first time - very wide to what the reality is.

i'm not getting angry towards h, i'm more seeing who he was and has become. and maybe what i am saddened by more, is that i didn't have the self-awareness all these years to have the guts to see what really was. i did see it in some ways, but denied it continually to myself. after all if i really accepted it then the question was, what the hell was i doing?

and of course now, the real question is what the hell am i doing right now - much more important one

i fear i may have answered you wit a post that's all over the place. maybe i'm just starting to really question my own sanity in this - i've done it before also, but this round seems a lot longer

zig