A Huddle of Turtles

[zig]

KD - i brought this over from that mlc thread you started to talk to you about this, please.


Something Mirage said above in an early post, I found relevant. The part about "faking" an MLC.

I would submit that IF the WAS is labelling themselves MLC. It may just as easily be an excuse as it may be a realization that they may be in a crises transition.

OTOH, for what I've read here and on other forums and books, someone who is in MLC... don't recognize it as such.

I have read maybe one or two threads over the past year and half here, where the WAS actually made that suggestion themselves. All other times, it is an observation made by LBS due to very... odd... behaviours by the WAS.

This is what i know my h told our friend back in march on that trip - that he was in mlc.

then a few weeks ago he talked with my friend (whom i always call my sweet friend here, and whom he knows is very close with me) and once again told her that he was in a crisis.he is also friends with her and her h.

that's when i started getting put off- really put off.

when one is in a real emotional/mental crisis one doesn't really know that one is in it. i know, i've been there.

my first thought was - well if he knows he is, why isn't he doing anything about it?

it seems as if this is a rare thing - you say that there were one or two other sitches where this had happened.

i think all of this is "coming together" in some way for me - all these elements - that are building a very different picture from what i thought was there.

the day i heard this from my sweet friend, i noticed that i stopped believing all that much in the mlc thing - at least in terms of where h is. and actually started leaning toward the narcissistic behavior patterns that i have denied myself to really see in my h.

so knowing something like this , does it change the stand you take?

and another question i've been asking myself - how does one take the "tough stand" as some suggest, when the was has decided they are filing for divorce - threaten them with ending the marriage? - they are determined right now to do it anyway . i suppose the other option is to make it clear that you won't be friends with them (well guess what, my h is a person who just "accepts" what you say - and lives with the limitations in a way. a good example - he absolutely HATES to be separated from his s for a week at a time, but accepts it's part of the sitch. in the same way, i imagine he will accept my denial of friendship - sort of along the martyr lines..no actually what he just recently said, in an attempt to preempt that need was that we couldn't really be friends because friends tell each other everything and he couldn't share certain parts of his life with me!!)

and then there's what the coach says to me - is what you are thinking of doing right now going to bring your h closer, further away or be neutral. which means i have to mind read, practically!!

i think between all these different "elements" i'm feeling really torn about what to do in terms of how to go forward in daily contact with him

i understand for myself that just need to keep moving forward and be the best person i can be.

in terms of working on saving the marriage - does there come a point where you just actively stop trying any more, and that's just the stage i am beginning to reach? why am i so effing emotional about it then!!!

zig