Just Found Out About The OM, What Now?

[NASCARDaddy]

Honestly, I think that the thing that she finds appealing in an OM is that he is not me. What she says is that she wants someone that she wants someone who isn't controlling, makes her feel safe, respects her, isn't trying to change her, and as she puts it has kindness in their eyes. And to be honest I don't know how I can change most of those things, because I am not sure why she feels that I am controlling or trying to change her and I don't know why she thinks I don't respect her. And I don't even know what she means when she talks about not seeing kindness in my eyes and she will not tell me what it means.

I do know where she gets the idea that I don't make her feel safe. I have long struggled with anger issues and she is afraid that at some point I will become violent. I am in therapy for that problem and my addiction to pornography. The problem is that since I moved out, both at her request and because I felt it was best at the time, I am not sure how she is going to see the changes I am making. She refuses to even talk to me right now.

As for a DB coach, I would love to talk to one but I am unemployed and broke, so that is pretty much impossible for me right now.

[chatterbug]

Changes are for you.

Still have not figured out how you let your wife have an affair.

Unless of course you want an open marriage.

[NASCARDaddy]

I just don't know how I can stop her if that is what she chooses to do. I am not in the home and I don't see her except for a few minutes once or twice a week so I really don't even know what she is doing.

[kml]

You know, whether or not she starts dating now that you are separated is NOT the issue. (Btw, if she put up an online dating profile, it looks like she left you THEN started dating, not like she left you FOR someone she was already seeing - big difference.)

What YOU need to focus on is the following:
- Getting work. Five kids to feed and you're unemployed? I know the economy is very bad, but you HAVE to do whatever you can to fix this. Until you do, you won't be a very attractive option for your wife. Plus the kids are your responsibility, you need to do it for THEM, regardless of what happens to your marriage.

- Being the best dad you can be. The better you are as a father, the more she'll respect you.

- Owning your own sh!t - you admit you have an anger problem and a porn addiction. Sounds like she has ample reason to want to move on. You can't change the past but you can show your good intentions by getting treatment and by showing her you respect that she has the right to want something different in her life. You may need antidepressants. SLAA meetings would be a very good idea too. Be humble and show her you recognize the validity of her complaints and are working on being a better man. Do NOT make excuses for your bad behavior.

Odds are, your wife is going to do some dating. She wants to be validated - to go out with someone who pays attention to her, is kind and positive towards her, etc etc. In her mind, you're separated, she's free to do so.

YOUR job, is to let go of that and focus on becoming the best man YOU can be. If you two are meant to be together, she'll see that and may eventually be open to a reconciliation. But you don't have control over that - the only thing you have control over is improving yourself, so hop to it!

[Starsky309]

You know, whether or not she starts dating now that you are separated is NOT the issue. (Btw, if she put up an online dating profile, it looks like she left you THEN started dating, not like she left you FOR someone she was already seeing - big difference.)

What YOU need to focus on is the following:
- Getting work. Five kids to feed and you're unemployed? I know the economy is very bad, but you HAVE to do whatever you can to fix this. Until you do, you won't be a very attractive option for your wife. Plus the kids are your responsibility, you need to do it for THEM, regardless of what happens to your marriage.

- Being the best dad you can be. The better you are as a father, the more she'll respect you.

- Owning your own sh!t - you admit you have an anger problem and a porn addiction. Sounds like she has ample reason to want to move on. You can't change the past but you can show your good intentions by getting treatment and by showing her you respect that she has the right to want something different in her life. You may need antidepressants. SLAA meetings would be a very good idea too. Be humble and show her you recognize the validity of her complaints and are working on being a better man. Do NOT make excuses for your bad behavior.

I don't necessarily agree with the "dating while still married" thing, unless both parties have agreed to it, but this ^^^ is PURE GOLD. A gainfully-employed, hard-working man, who is a great dad to his kids is a BABE MAGNET.

BUILD ATTRACTION.


Starsky

[NASCARDaddy]

Believe me I have tried to find a job. However it is hard when your work history for the past three years is blank. The first year was spent just searching for a job, any job. There would be weeks where I would put five hundred miles or more on the car driving to and from job interviews. Then the next two years were spent in law school which was my W idea. And now I can't even afford to go back and complete my degree and get the kind of job that I would like to have because the divorce and all the bills that she ran up in my name have made it impossible for me to afford to go back. And as for what is available around here, well let's just say it is pretty demoralizing when you get an e-mail from Chili's telling you that they don't want you to work for them as a dish washer.

[NASCARDaddy]

The big question I have is when I make all of these changes that I need to make in my life, if she never sees them then how does it help our relationship? I understand that they make me a better person and I am all for that; however I am also all for saving the best thing that has happened to me in a long time with one of the most amazing people I have ever met.

[kml]

You make the changes, she will see them eventually. Quit worrying about that part. You will shoot yourself in the foot if you try to push yourself on her right now.

Have you spoken with financial aid at your law school to see what can be done? When you say bills she ran up "in your name", do you mean living expenses for a family of 7? Or something more nefarious?

Not that a law degree is any guarantee of employment unfortunately these days, but it seems a shame to be 2/3 of the way through and not finishing. Do you have any family to help you? Should you consider moving to an area with more jobs available? (Not easy with kids, I know). Do you have any other skills that you could start a side business of your own with?

[NASCARDaddy]

I only qualify for about half of the financial aide that I would need to finish out law school. And not just the expenses of running a family of seven, but not exactly nefarious either. It was more a case of getting too far into debt by trying to have the best things like a top of the line cellphone and then just defaulting on the bill when it became too much to pay.

I am trying to get into an MPA program, which actually only adds one extra semester to the schooling that I already needed to complete. The particular program that I have applied for has a 99% employment rate within 6 months of graduation so I am not worried about finding a job after I graduate. I am worried about whether I will have a family to share my success with when I do.

[NASCARDaddy]

You make the changes, she will see them eventually. Quit worrying about that part. You will shoot yourself in the foot if you try to push yourself on her right now.

Shooting myself in the foot seems to be my specialty right now. I wish I could take all the things that I know now and go back and tell my younger self what I had learned. I would do so much different.