DBing and MLC: why the label?

[~ kd ~]

I also do not think that some of the more extreme CONTROL methods will turn this Dis-Ease around.

I agree.

I don't want to name names just for the privacy of the member. We all will remember the LBS who was here who lost his WAS to suicide, who were around at the time.

The member tried much of the DB methods AS WELL AS some non-DB methods, all for naught. The WAS was diagnosed bi-polar and committed suicide AT THE TIME the WAS appeared to finally be coming back.

One cannot deal with mental health issues in a "normal" way. They are what they are, even if they are temporary.

[DaddyLongShanks]

I also do not think that some of the more extreme CONTROL methods will turn this Dis-Ease around.

I agree.

I don't want to name names just for the privacy of the member. We all will remember the LBS who was here who lost his WAS to suicide, who were around at the time.

The member tried much of the DB methods AS WELL AS some non-DB methods, all for naught. The WAS was diagnosed bi-polar and committed suicide AT THE TIME the WAS appeared to finally be coming back.

One cannot deal with mental health issues in a "normal" way. They are what they are, even if they are temporary.

Becoming a WAS can "create" mental issues just due to the environment! I hope you guys can udnerstand this. I have no doubt it could be diagnosed as biploar, because they really have to kill their recent reality with you in order to make sense of what they are doing in the affair.

[Starsky309]

I don't see anyone saying NOT to have boundaries.

It has been my experience that MANY people on this site (not saying you, Cadet) pay lip service to "setting boundaries." I have found that that once you start actually pointing out where people need to do so, you often get a lot of flak from the MLC crowd.

To paraphrase that great marital sage, Jerry Seinfeld: I'm pretty sure that the ENFORCING of the boundary, is the most important part OF the boundary."


Starsky

[chatterbug]

The issue I have with it is that people will excuse away so much poor behavior by labeling it MLC when it really is someone doing extremely selfish and hurtful things because they feel they can. And when they are given the excuse of oh MLC. Then they just feed of being enabled.

And the LBS excuses it away because they do not want to deal with the reality that yes the person they love can actually be a hateful , hurting person who really does not care at this point in time the damage they cause.

NOPE I don't agree that anyone here is giving out the advice to excuse it away.

I did not say that.

[~ kd ~]

I don't see anyone saying NOT to have boundaries.

It has been my experience that MANY people on this site (not saying you, Cadet) pay lip service to "setting boundaries." I have found that that once you start actually pointing out where people need to do so, you often get a lot of flak from the MLC crowd.

To paraphrase that great marital sage, Jerry Seinfeld: I'm pretty sure that the ENFORCING of the boundary, is the most important part OF the boundary."


Starsky

There have been more recent discussions about boundaries and the different perspectives on them with one camp seeing misunderstanding in boundaries which as applied appear as controlling vs. the other camp seeing misunderstanding in boundaries which as applied appear as doormat.

[chatterbug]

We all have our opinions on this.

I follow the path of tough love and rebuilding the LBS's self worth and self esteem. Learning and understanding boundaries. Growing and becoming a better person. Moving forward in life.

During this crisis both are unstable. And unfortunately some people will martyr themselves for a decade or more while their ex partner has moved on with life.

I know of a few people who passed away too soon waiting for the WAS to come back. Always hopeful and unhealthy mentally for years and years. Living in limbo. Afraid to move forward. Stuck in recovery.


I remember the member who's wife committed suicide. I saw it differently she was not coming back. She was off her treatment. It was such a horrible situation. A no win situation. One of the saddest days on this site. This place is not able to deal with full on bi-polar issues. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is currently the best way of dealing with this disease. There is no tougher life than loving someone who is bi-polar. There is no shame in walking away from that as well especially if the diagnosed person is not willing to constantly remain in therapy. For they are just a ticking time bomb and most of the DB system just will feed their mania cycle. They need to learn a different system to confront those behaviors.

[~ kd ~]

Thanks for that post, chatter.

I completely understand your perspective. A part of my reason to start these threads of course, is so newbies can educate themselves on these topics. And also, to learn why vets (myself included) have certain reasons to, for lack of a better term, promote their preferred DB method.

I can see how you did not think the WAS in question was coming back and I do agree that, especially as untreated bi-polar, it really was a crap shoot as to the end result.

[Denver_2010]

I fall somewhere in the middle of all of this. I believe that I had success utilizing both approaches. It all depended on the situation at the time. Unique situations need unique solutions... using DB as the framework.

[Cadet]

There is no tougher life than loving someone who is bi-polar. There is no shame in walking away from that as well especially if the diagnosed person is not willing to constantly remain in therapy.

YUP
My mother has been bi-polar for my whole life.
My daughter too.

One takes responsibility the other does not.
So I have seen this from both sides.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I hate this topic in newcomers.

Just a matter of time before the MCL crowd is compared to kitty kats and doormats. ; )

I always figured that if someone made to MLC forum after they put in time in Newcomers they maybe stood a chance of outlasting MLC of having the patience to do it.

It takes a different mindset. It seems...servile.
It does appear that you are A-OK with alot of things that make you...weak willed? Spineless? Oh and all the while making and baking cupcakes for your spouse and their lover while they do the nasty in your marital bed. : ) Cause they might wake up and see how awesome you are through the mudprints on your back.

This problem has come up before and it has caused a division in the forums. Lets not let that happen again. Lets not Dr. Suess us into Sneetches again.

Alright?