Got ten pages, so time to create a new thread. Warning! This is a long post.
The meaning of the title is what I was discussing at the end of my previous posts. I feel it is time to move on, and start the divorce process. I need the freedom to live my own life without taking H into consideration. I want control of my life, or as much as I possibly can.
These are the issues I have been considering, in a logical way, hopefully:
Friendship - can we continue as friends? I'm not sure it will be possible in the beginning ... friendly, yes, but I don't trust him enough to consider friendship post-divorce. Maybe down the road a bit?
Finances - this is why we cannot be friends too soon, I feel. We're going to have skirt around this issue quite closely. He likes to have the financial control in our relationship, and I want to have my own control. So, once we have all that set up (I would like my alimony to come off automatically) and working smoothly, then we can consider a friendship of sorts.
Our children - taking them into consideration, we have to find a way for them not to take sides, be friendly in situations where we'll both be in their company (I know I will have a problem if he presents a new woman into their lives, and I will have to okay with that)
University - I will have to finish in the next 2 years, and he has promised to pay for it, so I will have to get it done by then. My D19 will also be finishing by then.
Property - we have a house and a condo. I want to sell the house after graduation, so that my D19 won't have to move and be disrupted. The condo is a money-making place, where one of us could live if we were willing to move back to our previous city. I think we should keep it and split the profit of the monthly rent. Once the house is sold, we can split that profit, and go on our merry way, and do whatever we want with the money.
Job - I will find a job, so that I can start to build up my credit. Right now, I have none ... everything is on his name (except the properties which is in both our names, but still has mortgages on them). I have not been able to work since my illness, due largely to the drugs I take. I will try and get off the medication once I graduate, and see if the seizures will come back or not. I feel "dumbed down" since I've been on them, and it takes everything I have to get through my uni courses. Of course, he doesn't understand this, and I feel doesn't really care, so I'm going to have to at least try to keep up a part-time job and study at the same time.
Reflection - thinking back of our marriage, I can see the mistakes I've made (and they're many), but I can also see where, with just a little bit of discussion, difficulties may've been averted. My problem is that I get upset when he won't listen to me, won't take the time for discussing things that will affect my life too. He is too controlling. He won't own up to his part of the problems in our M. He is passive-aggressive, and cannot have a normal conversation about the bumps in our M. His feelings come and go, and he's not very loyal or strong emotionally speaking. Yet, he can't seem to let go, so I have to do it for him. He seems to want me in the background, submissive, accepting of his lifestyle, while not considering the affects it has on me. He's not supportive, yet he can be generous with money to me and the kids. Yet, that is not so important to me ... I want him to be with me, be interested in me. So, finally, I see that he's definitely not into me in any romantic sense, so I have to let him go. I've known this since we left our old city. I knew I was jumping into a pit of snakes, but I hoped he would stay true to his word. This futile hope that I kept in my heart was just that ... futile and ridiculous. He's never going to be the man he was. He is lost to me, and I don't like or love the man he's become. I am thinking more clearly then ever about our R. Yes, he is "great" guy, as my friends point out, but they don't have to live with him. He is interested in their lives, and they don't see his indifference to me. Fortunately, I've been detached for quite a while now. I know I will shed many tears over the divorce, mainly over what could've been, and I already feel like a failure at not keeping my H happy. But, I know that's his failure too, whether he knows that or not. I tried all that I could. I have persevered for so many years. I can finally walk away knowing that I tried my best.
Still, I will not lock the door to reconciliation. While there is life there is hope. If he wanted to reconcile, he would have to do a lot of work on himself. I will not go back until he realizes what he truly did and what has been lost. I doubt he has it in him. But the door will remain unlocked until/if I meet someone who really loves me for who I am.
What I would want in a new R (which could be H too, if his true nature returns) - trust, loyalty, kindness, being open and honest with each other, have a freaking sense of humour for pete's sake (my H has lost his), I want to laugh again, just for the sake of it, for the pure joy of it. Love of course, but the kind that is long-lasting, that doesn't fade when I do something wrong. Be able to talk to each other about anything without taking offence. Won't be a problem if he's tall, and handsome-ish, not a pretty boy type. Someone who will be on my side always as I would be on his. Someone who will want to be with me because he likes me. Not a smoker (sorry, I cannot handle the smoke and the smell). Financially secure. Interesting personality, in that he has led an adventurous life and likes to share the stories and the continuing adventures. Intelligent and educated. Brave. Spiritual. Not try and control each other - I feel very trapped right now, and need to untie myself if I want to be my authentic happy self.
If all this is a tall order, then I'd rather be alone, and have lots of friends. This is what I had with my H until he became attached to porn, then the OW. Now he's just this complaining, unhappy person, who cannot see the joy in life (from my perspective ... with friends, he's still good ol' H ... he keeps a good front, and only I see the cracks, it seems).
Here's to the future for all of us (lifting a glass with pink bubbly wine)... may we find peace, happiness, love, freedom from pain and sadness. Let's live in gratitude, and without fear.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
