What Starsky said. I have recent experience with this. One thing to consider if you opt for this: think about whether or not you want to share this with your spouse right now. Depends on your situation and your spouse's likely response. My W knew and it was ok, but I felt a little better about it when I was just taking care of it one my own, I mean between me and my doctor. Personally, I wanted her to see the changes I was making as "me" not the meds. So I figured, well, the books are just for me and this is too. Regardless, as they say, do what works.
I did not tell my wife (although she eventually found out), nor would I recommend that you do. If she DOES find out, however, just say "Considering our situation, I'm doing everything that I need to in order to get support and be there for the boys and keep up with my responsibilities" (or some such). Certainly don't apologize for it -- I didn't!!!
I am going thru some hard times, not because of wife, but of issues I have to deal with.
What issues?
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I am falling back to day one, becoming a detective, getting anguish and frustrated.
Is it safe to assume OM? Cause honestly dude, let it go. If your partner is NOT contacting her, why are you trying to find out more info about him. AA – let the anger go man. I agree with everyone re: the meds. If ya need them go get something to take the edge off. Another option is working out. It really can do wonders. What else is going on? Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks, you all, that is something I have not considered. I pray for improvements, and I have to do it. Like all of you are saying is for my own.. All of this is not healthy and how can I have a healthy relationship, when I am not? This behavior needs to be out the door..
Eric, it is my own insecurity, and I am not trying to find out more about OM. I have been patience (not enough, obviously), I have tried in different ways to enjoy time with W, but she is always saying no. She has been a bit cold for the past days, not wanting to do anything, quiet, and not even saying hello when I come home from work.
Yesterday, I got home early because we had planned to make dinner together, but she was already finishe with dinner and actually eating. A few minutes later of me getting home she said she was going out to her sister's place and took a plate with her. That bothered me pretty much, but I kept calm. She said she was going with her sister and that if I did not believe her I could go and check anytime. Pretty much that did it for me, still I kept calm and answered her that why was I going to do that because I was not that kind of man. I was getting ready to go run, and when I left home I DECIDED to check if she was at her sisters, what a set back. I went to the park and run for a while, and then I went to the movies. W called, and I did not answered, I called her after the movies and she said she was at a bar with her sister and a bunch of her cousins. This is getting me frustrated, she comes with thousands of excuses to do something simple with me, like going to the park, but out of nothing she takes off for hours and comes back home really late. I must say, I did not argue with her, I just told her that it was nice she had a good time.
Everything I do is for me, and I need to stick that in my head. The changes that I am making are for my well being and because of that everything will fall in their place. The feeling of frustration is because I want her to see what I am doing, and that is wrong, the things that I am doing are for me, again.
Eric, thanks man, like always your advice as the many others helping is gold.
I also learned not to provide home address to IC's office. Insurance notifications of my appointments were just unecessary reminders to my W that I was off "complaining" about her. One more: we added life insurance a while back and had an in-house check up during which nurse asked about medications (omissions can nulify insurance after the fact). I answered and nurse said "well, why you seem so calm and collected, your heart rate only is 58bpm?" My wife said "because I went back to work". It raised the cost of my life insurance a bit but I said to the nurse "this is about protecting my family, so write down whatever you need to and I'll pay the bill".
Okay…now we can get to thereal work! Why no..no…WHAT are you insecure about? Height? Weight? Intelligence? Penis size? Sexual stamina? What are you really feeling dude? Be honest (not with me with YOU). I wish I could get you to see that these demon of insecurity when faces CAN be defeated and when they are…You buddy will change. And Change for the BETTER. The other option is that you never really face them and keep living your life the way you are now. YOU CHOOSE.
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I have tried in different ways to enjoy time with W, but she is always saying no. She has been a bit cold for the past days, not wanting to do anything, quiet, and not even saying hello when I come home from work.
Then try something else. Try leaving her alone. Try FOCUSING on YOU. If she does not want to do anything then you call a buddy and go do something. As for what happened last night….do you think she may be seeing OM again? Honestly? As for her having time with her friends…maybe that is what she needs. I find ironic that SHE is the one that appears to be FOCUSING on HERSELF yet YOU are still focused on HER. Know why? Changes take time dude….they do not happen overnight, at least not the ones that stick. You feel you have changed but have you really? You are still getting upset, although not showing it, upset you get when she lives HER life. If I were you I would start looking for things to do by myself and with the kids….as for her…let her go. Have you ever heard of the saying…if you love something let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be, if it doesn’t then it was not. I have been holding back saying something to you but I that’s not me so here goes… 1) When you met partner, she was married, as a matter of fact I believe she still is. 2) If she saw you while she was married, why does it come as a surprise to you that she would see some one else while with you? 3) Karma is a b*tch isn’t it. 4) I am not trying to hurt your feelings dude – really I am not. 5) Is some of your insecurity tied to how and the conditions under which you both met? AA, I think you need to sit down with yourself and ask yourself what is it that your really want, what are you willing to do for it and what can you really live with. What do you want AA? Really? What do you want in a partner? What do you look for? Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I know demons can be defeated, I have defeated some real nasty things in my life, and yes when I did, I became a better me.
Eric, I have sit with my self and see what you are saying, I have changed, not to many things, but I have been able to control some of my emotions. With this kind of things like W staying up late I would have already exploded and the worst of me would have come up. You have given me the advice to repeat to my self: "I am better me, will become a better me, and continue to become even better" I have repeated these words, and they have helped. It may not seem like a big step, but changes are ocurring. I will continue working on that. I will stick to it...
My insecurity right now is that everything I believe to be sure can change, just as I was so sure that my W would not leave me specially for somebody else. I was wrong, and that is my biggest fear. I am also afraid W has been in contact with OM, on this I am not sure, I am just afraid, part of my insecurity.
My insecurity has nothing to do with how I met her, she was already separated when we met, but yes, not divorced. She tried getting divorced thru legal aid, but for some reason everything stoped, and it was not her part, she tried different ways, except paying for a lawyer ourselves, we could not afford one at the time. Then it just became "acceptable" for us to live like this. As far as karma goes, I really do not believe this has anything to do with it. We were together for 10 yrs, and she always showed me how much she loved me. It was me neglecting her (unconsously) that made feel unloved, no excuses on that.
Eric, you are not hurting my feelings, you are trying to make me see things with a clear perspective.
A few days ago W told me, "I miss us, the way we were". The way I was, that is what I want from me, except the negative things I have in me. I want to be a better me than before, I do not like how I feel, or any of the negative things in me.
What do I want in my partner, what am I looking for? That is an answer I have to look in my heart and answer myself.
AAx2 - eric giving you good advice. As for the insecurity it's natural and understandable, just not very helpful for us at this point. Interesting thing about insecurity, fear, and anxiety - it lives in a part of the brain we have very little control over. Our higher thinking centers help us defeat these feelings by learning that they aren't reasonable.....like someone getting over a fear of heights....they don't actually, they just train their higher thinking centers to disregard the fear messages. The healthier and more relaxed our thinking parts are the better job they can do defeating our insecurities. Advice for exercising, eating well, reducing stress, talking things out keep our thinking brain in good shape for this. Lack of sleep and stress do the opposite. I guess this is why GAL is good for us.......I guess......
Thanks, your advice is greatly appreciated. Anything that makes my head get in zyncro with my heart helps. I want them both to agree. In the most part I know what I am doing wrong, but my heart just wants to do the opposite. Again, thanks for explaining how the brain works.
I am eating good, staying in shape. The problem is I am creating my own stress with this insecurity.
W went out last night again, she had made plans with her sisters and cousins to go out. At least that is what she said, she came back right now at 6:00 am. I really believe she is seen OM again. The reason I believe this is because I am seeing the same behavior on her as when we first split up. Being distant, avoiding any conversation with me, looking at her phone repeatedly. I do not know if she is having any contact with him or not, I just feel she is.
I was leaving home to come to work and she asked if I something was wrong with me, why would she ask that? Is she feeling guilty about something? I said, that since she was asking if something was wrong, I said that our relationship was wrong, that I could not see how she was trying to save our relationship if she was always negative to do something for us. She told me again, that she cares and has feelings for me, but that she did not love me like she used to. She said that it was the reason she told me days ago that she missed us the way we were. Make sense to me, anybody, please. I said, well If that is how you feel then why did you ask me to come home, why did you tell me you are my family and that you wanted to work things out. She answered that it was a mistake for her to have done that because it was too soon.
I guess I am not ready for DB, I keep on doing things wrong. I am tired and see no hope on saving my relationship. Please, give advice on how you guys dealt with these emotions when you felt like throwing the towel and just walk away. I love my wife, and want to continue working on my relationship, I know patience is a virtue and I am working on it. The problem is that I am moving real slow to get confident on my self and W.
