W called and asked me if I got a new phone. I said” yes” and she replied, “so you can text now” and I replied, “yes I can”. Then she went over some very trivial logistics. IMO, it didn’t require a call to me. I brought up the fact that I sure am really glad our daughter no longer had her persistent cough that had lasted for months.
Maybe she was probing to see if I received her text, who knows. Then we ended the call by her saying “we should probably talk soon”. She had a somewhat serious tone and I said “sure, no problem”. And that’s that!
W picked up the kids this am. She was a little late and looked like she had just got out of bed. Since then, I’ve had some unproductive thoughts that W might have had OM in her bed last night. I know, just mindreading and while it could be true, there’s nothing I can do about that for now.
I tried to make the most of our brief encounter this morning. She mentioned that she was tired because she hadn’t had her coffee. I asked her if she wanted a cup and she said “no I am fine”. Yesterday I received a 85.00 utility refund check in the mail that was in both our names. This morning I signed the back of it and just put it in the kids overnight bag. While I could use the money I figured W can have it. I didn’t mention anything to W about it. She emailed me 15 minutes later thanking me for it.
I also pointed out to W a cool Halloween costume that S wants, I want to order it early before it sells out. W says, “that’s fine, you can take care of that since you will be taking S out on Halloween”. W also mentioned that our D will need to go back to the doctor’s office for a checkup. I said “I can take care of that today after my lunch meeting” and she said, “that would be great”. I ended the encounter by letting the kids and W know what great behavior the children had and I asked them to continue their good behavior when there with mom. All in all I feel it was a pleasant interaction.
It’s been a little over 24 hours since I received the text from W stating that she wants a divorce. I am guessing she might be a little surprised that I haven’t reacted to it. I am just continuing to be nice and pleasant.
Rough: Sounds like a really good interaction to me. Always leave them wanting more, and also leave them wondering why your so dang pleasant. I think when people see someone this way, whether its a friend a spouse or anyone else they wonder what this person has that makes them that way and thats exactly what you want your W to wonder. Im gonna post soon in my thread about this but thought i'd tell you now...mine has texted my fingers off for the last 36 hours or so. I dont know what has changed, and I don't respond either immediately, or to all of them, but she sure seems to be interested in texting me recently.
And don't let your mind wander too far into the OM territory. I will tell you that from my experience, even without OM mine was often running late and looking somewhat disheveled. I think its b/c their not nearly as happy alone as they would want us to think. I know years ago after our first seperation was over that mine was quick to admit that she didnt sleep well, didnt eat much and was generally a wreck during the whole thing.
Remember your wife is also having to think about not only the things you say and the things she sees in you, but she's also having to relive the things she says to you, and I think thats especially hard when they say something "mean" like her divorce comment, and don't get the fight they were looking for in return. In addition to that she's having to stay in a bed alone, and when your kids aren't there possibly in a house alone for the first time in a long time and while that may seem like a party to her at first b/c she doesnt have to worry about anyone but herself, at some point its kind of saddening to them I think....especially when no one calls to say goodnight, or no one is there to say good morning.
I am new here and it's like we are living mirrored lives...As all of us are I guess! I have been reading this board for awhile, but have never posted...I guess I was absorbing before I responded or asked for help...But I would like to second to what all have been saying.
Keep your head up & Live Like there was no tomorrow...One thing I have learned through reading & lesson of my own, is to not over analyze & to not respond quickly to anything before you have thought it through...If you even have to respond at all!
When OM is in the picture, you'll know beyond a doubt. W will avoid you completely. You will become the root of all evil in the world. Based on how she's acting, I don't think OM is involved, I think it all comes down to finances and her not being able to take it anymore.
Worrying about OM isn't going to take you anywhere good.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
This is great advice right here. Our first seperation my wife was dating someone and she avoided me like you wouldnt believe, when I would show up to pick up the kids she'd be waiting and have them headed out the door to meet me before I could ever get out of the truck. I can look back now and see that she didnt even want to look at me. And it was obvious when they had a bit of a rough patch b/c then she'd be more willing to talk to me. I distinctly remember it was round Christmas and I guess things weren't good between them...she and I talked about going to the movies with the boys the evening of the 23rd or something like that. Well this was about the 20th or so, come the 23rd I call her about goign to the movies and suddenly she's kind of tired, doesn't really think she wants to go etc etc.
I find out a day or two later that her and OM took my boys to the movies on the 23rd....apparently the rough patch was over between them, and I guess going to the movies that night was a great idea, just not a great idea to go with me.
Sorry for my little trip down memory lane, but Accuray is spot on, if there is an OM in the picture you will know for sure. And if you act as if....and continue on your journey, you'll be able to see in her actions toward you how they are getting along at the time. But im with Accuray....your W isn't showing you signs of an OM, she's showing signs of someone who is starting to see what they like and remember you changing now will at least in the beginning cause her to be plenty angry. She'll get mad that it took this extreme measure to get you to change when she thinks she's been telling you all along what your seeing now.
Just dropped by to see how you were dong mate. Lots of good stuff from Carnad and Accuray. As hard as it is not to worry about it, there aren't any signs of it so far so just carry on the good work.
In the end, whether there is OM or not, it shouldn't change your game plan. GAL and 180s all the way.
I'm struggling with OM right now but I realize that there is nothing I can do about it other than GAL and 180s. W has noticed and can see the progress so I hope to instill doubt in her mind about what she is doing. A big problem is that the vulture is in a lot closer than I am and can influence her more easily. On the bright side, he can also f#$%k up more easily.
Good luck with that talk with your W(whenever it happens), and remember to STFU (I know I always forget).
cheers,
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Thanks everyone, Arsene your right. Regardless of what W is doing it shouldn’t change my game plan. It sounds like MrBond is providing you a lot of help. I am so sorry about your sitch. What an extremely difficult thing to deal with. Mrbond said there’s probably nothing you can do to keep D away from OM. I am sure he's probably right but what a bunch of bs, that would be so tough. Our kids mean everything to us and they’re already confused by the chaos there being subjected to. Then D is being introduced to the POS OM, just awful. I know I am probably not making you feel any better, I feel for ya. A lot of us are going through some MAJOR transitions right now. Stay strong and hang in there!
I never knew what to expect on this journey. How could I know what to expect because I’ve never had to go through it before and hopefully I will NEVER have to go through it again. Maybe that’s why everyone always uses the term “have no expectations”. This is just pure brutality. On my drive to work I was thinking wow, W and I still really love one another. I just can’t believe I still love and care for W so much after all this pain I'am going through. I’ve always had a really good attitude about everything in life and I think it’s a great trait to have. I’ve gotta tell ya, this separation has tested my positive attitude like no other. But it won’t break me, no way!
So many on this board stress the importance of getting out and doing things. Sometimes I just go home at the end of the day and TRY to relax by myself and that’s all fine and dandy every now and then but I know if I do that, I will be consumed by my sitch. Last night I went over to a friend’s house, it was like a mini party. There was about 7 or 8 of us there. Great BBQ and drinks, just great people. For the most part I completely forgot about my sitch, it was so nice. I need to remember to do stuff like that more often, it’s just so much healthier for me even though I was putting down some drinks, haa..what an oxymoron
We had a lot of fun and the only time I thought about my sitch is when W called me right after we finished dinner because she wanted me to talk to the kids. W started getting all bent out of shape again (what’ new). She’s always complaining how our kids don’t listen to her. They didn’t listen to her very well when we were together but now she doesn’t have me around to help discipline them. Recently W always wants to put the kids on the phone with me so I can tell them to behave well for her. If W really thinks that’s going to do a ton of good she’s fooling herself. I can do my best to help but if she doesn’t learn to be a nurturer AND a disciplinarian at the same time then nothing will change. I don’t bother conveying this to W because I don’t think it would do much good.
