second time newcomer, back for more

[badcompany]

In regards to therapy, W told me she wants to go alone because she has some issues. She works most days so I'm wondering, since it's not a good idea to push, should I say nothing about going or trying to make an appt ? Or should I drop subtle hints every couple days ? Again, I know I can't control this, just don't want her to sink into a huge depression before she makes it there.

Thanks

[scaredsilly]

"Again, I know I can't control this..."

wouldn't dropping subtle hints be trying to control? and the WAS sees right though "subtlety" and that can lead to resentment on their part.

[badcompany]

Copy that.

[badcompany]

It seems there's a fine line between 'I'm concerned for you and want you to get better' and controlling

[~ kd ~]

It's an even more fine line than that... I'd actually say... that line doesn't even exist... it's a self imposed false flag, for you...

If your W truly is depressed, as in could be diagnosed as chronically depressed... this is an internal battle she is fighting for herself... and she's scared... terrified, in fact... and she's likely to lash out at anyone who tries to make her face her fears...

Support her in going... no encouraging, no writing things on the calender, no subtle hints... and no expectations...

If she doesn't go, do not mention it. If she doesn't go, then later says she's decided to go (again), no telling her "great to see you changed your mind"...

BE THERE for her... BE WITH her... and support her, silently... and with love...

And, if she goes, acknowledge it calmly and sincerely and NOT with enthusiasm, IF she brings it up... soft support might be a good path, atm...

[badcompany]

I think she's just caught that marriage bug again......feeling like all her friends are younger with no kids and they go out and have a good time. And she's stuck at home with kids and a husband


.....maybe

[ericmsant2]

BC

In regards to therapy, W told me she wants to go alone because she has some issues.

DB101 “change how you look at things”. Dude, instead of focusing on her going solo…why not focus on the FACT that SHE IS GOING.

should I say nothing about going or trying to make an appt ?

NO I would not say a word to her. She is a grown women and can make an appt herself when SHE (not YOU) are ready.

Or should I drop subtle hints every couple days ? Again, I know I can't control this, just don't want her to sink into a huge depression before she makes it there

CONTROL – that is what you are doing dude. No easy way to say it. YOU WANT THIS TO HAPPEN ON YOUR TIMELINE it is not! Stop trying to fix, stop trying to guilt her, stop trying to push her!

Do me a favor…read your whole thread and count the number of times you mention her, what she is doing, what she said or didn’t say. Just count how often you talk about HER. I hope that you will see that YOU do not talk about YOU. YOU do not talk about what YOU are doing for YOU. You do not talk about YOUR issues. Yeah, yeah, yeah…you briefly give your controlling, fear and insecurity issues a quick acknowledgment then you go right back to talking about her.

You are chitting bricks right now…you seem pissed and frustrated. If I can see it I bet she can. Is that the image you want her to see?

It's an even more fine line than that... I'd actually say... that line doesn't even exist... it's a self imposed false flag, for you...

If your W truly is depressed, as in could be diagnosed as chronically depressed... this is an internal battle she is fighting for herself... and she's scared... terrified, in fact... and she's likely to lash out at anyone who tries to make her face her fears...

Support her in going... no encouraging, no writing things on the calender, no subtle hints... and no expectations...

If she doesn't go, do not mention it. If she doesn't go, then later says she's decided to go (again), no telling her "great to see you changed your mind"...

BE THERE for her... BE WITH her... and support her, silently... and with love...

And, if she goes, acknowledge it calmly and sincerely and NOT with enthusiasm, IF she brings it up... soft support might be a good path, atm...

Please read Kaffe’s post to you ^^^^ again and again.

......feeling like all her friends are younger with no kids and they go out and have a good time. And she's stuck at home with kids and a husband

1) You are mind reading AGAIN. EVEN IF she feels this way do you really think what you are doing right now will help?
“she’s stuck home with kids and an H”..
Interesting line….wanna know why? Cause it is very telling. I actually think you are bored with the M as well. YOU both need a little spice in the R. Right now may not be the time to put the full court press on, at least not with her. What you could though is SPICE UP YOUR LIFE and hopefully she notices and follows suit.

BC,

I am a 42 year old father of 3 (2 teenage boys and a little girl). I have a 50/50 custody arrangement and really have the kids more like 60 – 70 % of the time. I have a challenging full time job. MY totally HOT girlfriend recently moved in with me. I have a very nice 4 bedroom place that the kids and I love. I love to walk on the beach, love to hang out with my friends, I like to travel and this year hit the south (Hilton Head, Savannah, Charlotte and Greenville SC). I love myself and love my life. Life is really good.

You know what…I make time for myself – even with kids. I make time to feel good about myself and I do not expect my GF to make me feel good about myself. I give her all the space she wants. It is a totally different R. A great one. Why? Cause my life does not revolve around no one but ME. I accept that I am responsible for me. I accept that I love my kids more than life itself but I also know that I need to have the right balance.

Balance dude….right now I think you are off balance. You have your W on a pedestal. You are so scared that you cannot even find some peace. That is not a good way to live. That said, I’ll ask again…

What are YOU doing for YOU? What are you doing to make yourself so ATTRACTIVE that your W would be a fool to leave you and EVEN if she did….some other hottie would snatch your as* right up. What are doing for yourself man….cause honestly, if you focus on that I bet you would not be trying to control and manipulate your W into staying…you would be too busy enjoying your kids and your life.

[badcompany]

Many good points. I've never been one to just be happy being on my own or doing something for my myself.

I've had many girlfriends over the years, only 3 serious ones, one of them being W.

I can honestly say though that my marriage (not including the past 10 days) has been awesome. No complaints, left for work feeling on cloud nine, like the luckiest guy in the world. Some friends are jealous of how awesome my R with M is.

Could the marriage use more spice ? I'm sure all R could at some point. Ive been the loving, compassionate, fun-to-be-around husband.

There are times when we have a disagreement, there are times when we are down in the dumps about the boys misbehaving, or finance, but we always bounce right back.

When we separated in '08, I tried really hard to take care if myself, not let the things she was doing and saying get to me. Thanks to everyone here, it worked.

I am a simple man, low maintenance. I work hard to provide for my family, especially after losing my job of twelve years and starting over.

I get a significant amount of joy from just coming home and seeing my wife smiling and my kids runnin up to me. I'm not out of shape, but I'm not an exerciser or a runner or anything. I love to come home, plug the guitar in, and jam out to classic rock.

I was very unattentive during the first year of my marriage. I was working a lot (mandatory) and sleeping a lot, and W spent a lot of time raising S6 by herself until she finally caved and said she wasn't happy. I ignored all the warning signs. The thought of losing her was unbearable to me. She was the perfect woman and I felt like crap for not treating her as such.

I've done my best over the last 3 years since separation to completely turn around the way I was. I feel I have succeeded. I can't say for certain what is going on with my wife now, I just know that whenever she's down in the dumps, I start to feel like I could possibly relive the separation an affair with OM all over again. That period of our lives gave me much depression.

I appreciate all the things you say and the blunt statements you make. Most are true. 99% even.

The feeling of being in love with someone and having them not feel the same way possibly, again, is daunting.

I am just trying to make it through this with grace.

FOR THE MOST PART, I have stopped chasing her as much as I had previously this past week. I let her know I was here to talk, and not much more. Yes, some days I want to text her a million times just to talk and get along, but I don't.

It's just frustrating when you and your wife are 'happily' married, she always tells you how much she loves you, how lucky her and the kids are to have you, an have the threat of losing it appear and catch you off guard.

I don't NEED to be married, I act like it, but it's not the end of the world if I'm not. That said, I love my life and my kids. They are my world. I don't want a repeat of 2008 ever again.

I have tried in this post to talk a little more about me, and not W. reading back through, sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. Forgive me. I have found what I consider to be my version of the perfect woman, but I will detach and back off if that's what I have to do

[DaddyLongShanks]

BC

In regards to therapy, W told me she wants to go alone because she has some issues.

DB101 “change how you look at things”. Dude, instead of focusing on her going solo…why not focus on the FACT that SHE IS GOING.

should I say nothing about going or trying to make an appt ?

NO I would not say a word to her. She is a grown women and can make an appt herself when SHE (not YOU) are ready.

Or should I drop subtle hints every couple days ? Again, I know I can't control this, just don't want her to sink into a huge depression before she makes it there

CONTROL – that is what you are doing dude. No easy way to say it. YOU WANT THIS TO HAPPEN ON YOUR TIMELINE it is not! Stop trying to fix, stop trying to guilt her, stop trying to push her!

Do me a favor…read your whole thread and count the number of times you mention her, what she is doing, what she said or didn’t say. Just count how often you talk about HER. I hope that you will see that YOU do not talk about YOU. YOU do not talk about what YOU are doing for YOU. You do not talk about YOUR issues. Yeah, yeah, yeah…you briefly give your controlling, fear and insecurity issues a quick acknowledgment then you go right back to talking about her.

You are chitting bricks right now…you seem pissed and frustrated. If I can see it I bet she can. Is that the image you want her to see?

It's an even more fine line than that... I'd actually say... that line doesn't even exist... it's a self imposed false flag, for you...

If your W truly is depressed, as in could be diagnosed as chronically depressed... this is an internal battle she is fighting for herself... and she's scared... terrified, in fact... and she's likely to lash out at anyone who tries to make her face her fears...

Support her in going... no encouraging, no writing things on the calender, no subtle hints... and no expectations...

If she doesn't go, do not mention it. If she doesn't go, then later says she's decided to go (again), no telling her "great to see you changed your mind"...

BE THERE for her... BE WITH her... and support her, silently... and with love...

And, if she goes, acknowledge it calmly and sincerely and NOT with enthusiasm, IF she brings it up... soft support might be a good path, atm...

Please read Kaffe’s post to you ^^^^ again and again.

......feeling like all her friends are younger with no kids and they go out and have a good time. And she's stuck at home with kids and a husband

1) You are mind reading AGAIN. EVEN IF she feels this way do you really think what you are doing right now will help?
“she’s stuck home with kids and an H”..
Interesting line….wanna know why? Cause it is very telling. I actually think you are bored with the M as well. YOU both need a little spice in the R. Right now may not be the time to put the full court press on, at least not with her. What you could though is SPICE UP YOUR LIFE and hopefully she notices and follows suit.

BC,

I am a 42 year old father of 3 (2 teenage boys and a little girl). I have a 50/50 custody arrangement and really have the kids more like 60 – 70 % of the time. I have a challenging full time job. MY totally HOT girlfriend recently moved in with me. I have a very nice 4 bedroom place that the kids and I love. I love to walk on the beach, love to hang out with my friends, I like to travel and this year hit the south (Hilton Head, Savannah, Charlotte and Greenville SC). I love myself and love my life. Life is really good.

You know what…I make time for myself – even with kids. I make time to feel good about myself and I do not expect my GF to make me feel good about myself. I give her all the space she wants. It is a totally different R. A great one. Why? Cause my life does not revolve around no one but ME. I accept that I am responsible for me. I accept that I love my kids more than life itself but I also know that I need to have the right balance.

Balance dude….right now I think you are off balance. You have your W on a pedestal. You are so scared that you cannot even find some peace. That is not a good way to live. That said, I’ll ask again…

What are YOU doing for YOU? What are you doing to make yourself so ATTRACTIVE that your W would be a fool to leave you and EVEN if she did….some other hottie would snatch your as* right up. What are doing for yourself man….cause honestly, if you focus on that I bet you would not be trying to control and manipulate your W into staying…you would be too busy enjoying your kids and your life.

"What are YOU doing for YOU? What are you doing to make yourself so ATTRACTIVE that your W would be a fool to leave you and EVEN if she did….some other hottie would snatch your as* right up. What are doing for yourself man….cause honestly, if you focus on that I bet you would not be trying to control and manipulate your W into staying…you would be too busy enjoying your kids and your life.
"

Do this.

[NASCARDaddy]

Sounds like you and I have a lot in common BC. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I am as deep in the soup as you are, if not deeper. The best answer I can give you is one that you are probably not gonna like. You just have to hang in there. She is gonna do what she is gonna do regardless of what you say or do. If you are a religious man, go talk to your pastor or minister. If you are not a religious man, go talk to a pastor or minister anyway. If nothing else they might have a way to get you some counselling. Seek out opportunities to help others. I know that you think that you have fixed everything but guess what, you haven't. Nobody is perfect and there are always places where you can improve. Figure out what those areas are and make improvements. Make yourself a man that your W will never want to leave.