I still feel a bit of distance and it seems that seeing her throws a monkey wrench into things.
My guess is that he is grieving, and this is normal...seeing OW stirs things up, and is to be expected for a while. Before you were married, did you have a boyfriend with whom you ended things, did you find yourself doing okay with the ending...until you saw him? What was your reaction? How did you feel?
Quote:
Makes me sad like I am competing for his love and affection. I am still affectionate when I see him and always give him a kiss and a hug. Just wish I got more of that from him. Wish he could tell me he loved me, not just when I say it.
I am not your H, but being a "head before heart" kind of person through a lot of my life, I don't think you are competing with OW anymore, from what you have said. You are competing against yourself and the old M dynamics, and also waiting for H's feelings to catch up with his head, which has decided on what he is going to do (stay).
Another thing, if I were to harp on W's extra-martial activities right now, I would destroy all the progress we have made and she would most likely be done, and gone. Who would want to be with someone who held your mistakes over your head all the time? I wouldn't.
Forgive, Rachael, forgive...
And let it go...put the affair in a box and put it away, to talk about later (as in much later), when H is ready to talk about it. You have to build a lot of trust now (remember, he still remembers your threats/statements to divorce once the kids were through school)....letting the affair go and TRULY forgiving will get you far in rebuilding the trust, and also it is better for you.
Go back over the responses to your thread here, there is some great stuff there for you from people...Be the great new Rachael you can be!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
