Thanks for your comment T2 I haven't been on here for over a month and I just read your comment. You are right on the money as to his rational/logical oriented thinking. He is an engineer/scientist as well.
25mlc made a comment about retrouville. My husband and I did go and I really liked it, but he did not. We went to one follow up session and he did not want to go anymore.
This past month we have both been trying to work on the marriage, spending more time together and we do not argue like we used to. We are also intimate more often. Actually, we are doing much better. I have a part time job (very part time) but I know that he still struggles with this depression over his life and his health and mortality.
I am also convinced that he has feelings for the OW. I felt a change in his behavior late last week. More irritable and a bit more distant. Last week he went sailing with his cousin on Wed and he was out all night. On a work night. I knew he was going sailing with his cousin and he called me on his cousins phone and told me his phone was dead and his cousins phone was almost dead. I went to bed and at 3 am, woke up and he was not there. Called his cousin and left a message. I finally got a text at 4:30am and he said he was on his way home. He slept in and went to work late. He said they didn't plan on sailing all night and didn't know what time it was til they got back. I was kind of mad but I did believe him. He says sailing takes things off his mind. I expressed my feelings but I didn't lay into him or go on about it.
As I said I noticed a change and distance, not big, but it was there. I went away for the weekend with 2 of my kids and I called him just to check in and talk or I believe I wouldn't have heard from him. This week he said he was tired on Sun night and didn't want to ML but it felt like more than that and on Mon. I suggested we go to bed and he sat in the living room for awhile by himself so I knew somthing was up. So when he came to bed I decided to bring up what I am told not to. That is the OW. I feel that his feelings for her are still there. I asked him if he saw her, he hesitated for a bit and said yes but didn't speak to her and said she was out of the picture. But when I asked about feelings for her he said he's working on it. He also said he doesn't feel numb about me anymore but can't describe what he feels for me. Just that it's better than it was 2 months ago. When I asked him if he still thought our marriage would work he said he hoped so. I asked him if it was better for me to be in his life or out of it he did say "in it." I told him I appreciated his honesty and that it was important to me. We ML and I told him I love him. It seems that just seeing her caused an effect on him and how he is with me. Is that what others have experienced? How do you handle that? I was feeling bad today and he could probably tell. Texted me to ask how I was but I didn't answer yet. Should I just be cheerful and go on with no more comment?
I feel that his feelings for her are still there. I asked him if he saw her, he hesitated for a bit and said yes but didn't speak to her and said she was out of the picture. But when I asked about feelings for her he said he's working on it.
I think he is being honest...it will take some time to resolve those feelings and let them slide into the sunset, be patient! You ARE "winning" (if that is appropriate wording)...slow and steady...
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Should I just be cheerful and go on with no more comment?
Yes! You have your answers...let it be! Don't get in your own way...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks T2 I did take the high road and was cheerful. I still feel a bit of distance and it seems that seeing her throws a monkey wrench into things. Makes me sad like I am competing for his love and affection. I am still affectionate when I see him and always give him a kiss and a hug. Just wish I got more of that from him. Wish he could tell me he loved me, not just when I say it. Time and patience I hope will win the day. I tell you prayer has helped me immensely. I still pray about this everyday. I do feel I am in a battle against the devil.
I went back and read some MLC posts which are very helpful. I am so grateful for the people on this site. Wonderful. I hope to be able to help someone in the future myself. Thanks for being such a help to me. Rachael
I still feel a bit of distance and it seems that seeing her throws a monkey wrench into things.
My guess is that he is grieving, and this is normal...seeing OW stirs things up, and is to be expected for a while. Before you were married, did you have a boyfriend with whom you ended things, did you find yourself doing okay with the ending...until you saw him? What was your reaction? How did you feel?
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Makes me sad like I am competing for his love and affection. I am still affectionate when I see him and always give him a kiss and a hug. Just wish I got more of that from him. Wish he could tell me he loved me, not just when I say it.
I am not your H, but being a "head before heart" kind of person through a lot of my life, I don't think you are competing with OW anymore, from what you have said. You are competing against yourself and the old M dynamics, and also waiting for H's feelings to catch up with his head, which has decided on what he is going to do (stay).
Another thing, if I were to harp on W's extra-martial activities right now, I would destroy all the progress we have made and she would most likely be done, and gone. Who would want to be with someone who held your mistakes over your head all the time? I wouldn't.
Forgive, Rachael, forgive...
And let it go...put the affair in a box and put it away, to talk about later (as in much later), when H is ready to talk about it. You have to build a lot of trust now (remember, he still remembers your threats/statements to divorce once the kids were through school)....letting the affair go and TRULY forgiving will get you far in rebuilding the trust, and also it is better for you.
Go back over the responses to your thread here, there is some great stuff there for you from people...Be the great new Rachael you can be!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks again t2 I was pretty blue today. But went H came home I greeted him cheerfully and he didn't know that's how i felt. I have those days. I will re read the comments. Reading the mlc stuff helps me too. Thanks.
Well I didn't listen to ya t2. This week has not been good for me. I kept holding my feelings in. Friday the H bought me a nice outfit. And I thanked him 2 or three times. Then later, he critisized me because I told him I broke our old iron. He said "how come I never break things or How come that never happens to me?" I told him it was pretty old and I knocked it over. I am clumsy. Later we went to dinner with friends and they were passing each others food around on a lazy susan in the middle of the table for everyone to try. I went to try a piece of meat from one dish and my husband said "hey thats not yours!" Then he offered people a dumpling off his plate and I took one and he said "you are taking everyones food" He said he didn't notice that others were sharing food,just that I was taking some. That's funny because they were all talking about it with him sittin there. Then we went to karaoke with these same friends and I sang a song. I was complemented by people and when I asked "how'd I do? He said "I didn't like that song. I never heard of it" It was blue bayou from linda Rodstadt. Then he went on to tell me that this old lady(with a so-so voice), now she was good! She projected well!" When we were home he told me my pants were too baggy and I might want to get rid of them. (they aren't that baggy but they are not skin tight which is how he would like em.) I had to work all day saturday so we met for dinner after and when the waitress was taking our order she asked me a question about my order and since I wasn't answering fast enough my husband gave me a kind of exasperated look and was trying to interpret what she asked for me. I told the waitress what I wanted and when she left I told him I don't need him to interject for me I can do it myself. It's like he is embarrassed. He said "someones a little proud"
Today I noticed he cut back one of my plants and I told him to leave them alone in the past. Then I lost it. I got mad and told him he should take care of all his crap and leave my stuff alone. And then we went to church with me fuming. when we got home I told him I new he had a bad week. He disagreed. He wore the same shirt 2days and 2 nights. Sounds like depression to me.
I feel that the old shitty behaviors are coming back. That is criticising me in public. Not being very affectionate. And I feel he is struggling with not being attracted to me. I unfortunately brought up the other woman today and said "since you saw her things are worse because you have strong feelings for her" I hardly hear from him during the day at work just to call to say hi and when I text or call he takes a long time to answer and sometimes doesn't answer but he is prompt to anwer from his pals and he texts his friends alot. when I am with him he's always checking his phone. And when he is not on the phone and I am speaking he is somtimes looking around the room and not listening.
Saturday night when we got in the car with me he was yawning and saying he was tired. When we got in the restraunt suddenly he's mister friendly. Wide awake and huggin our friends and their mom and at the bar for karoke he is huggin the waitress there. Boy, I would like that affection from him. He is so nice and cheerful around them and I would like that. I told him to pretend to be cheerful around me. I was crying today saying that I feel this distance and that I am trying hard everyday to be better, that I pray everyday. I noticed that when our friends husband met us at the restaurant, he gave his wife a kiss and a hug and said he loved her. I would like that. I would like affection from my husband.
I have tried so hard and today I blew it but I told my husband I am not perfect and neither is he. He will not apologize for critisizing me at the restaurant or for cutting my plant. Feels there is nothing wrong and I am making a big deal out of nothing. Seems that he can't have an opinion ie: saying something in front of others in public places (used to do this in the past and embarrass me). Says I forgot about him buying me clothes and we looked at the meteor showers in the backyard together last night and I am throwing the past in his face. I was talking about this weeks behavior and how that was a problem in the past. Doesn't feel he has been distant. (I disagree) I gave him a hug before he left for some meeting he had today and told him I loved him. He is said Oh ya do do ya? I said "of course!" then he said "you have to watch your temper" Well, so does he and we both have been better but today for me not too hot. sometimes I feel that I am not loved and not for who I am. Sometimes I feel I cannot be myself around him or I'll get criticized. I mean sometimes I am goofy and I like to joke around. His sense of humor is different.
Your dynamic with your H is very normal but it completely unhealthy and can not be sustained. It is a very common and treatable dynamic. You both need to be committed to MC. I think you should go to Alanon. My 2c.
Thanks bklyn I am making an appointment with a guy I found who is supposed to be a short based therapist. My husband and I were going to counseling but I didn't care for her. He doesn't want to go now, however, I will go on my own and see if he changes his mind. I don't know much about alanon. Thought it was for spouses of addicts or something.
I don't like the way H cuts you down, actually it reminds me of my dad...my Mom has had to establish some boundaries with my dad when he treats her like that...she tells him quietly/privately that she doesn't appreciate being talked to like that, and to stop. if he continues, she leaves (she left him stranded at church once...I heard that pastor had some "questions" for my dad...lol).
Really, from what you wrote, that behavior is NOT okay...heck, Management 101, praise publically, the rest...PRIVATELY... Maybe try setting some boundaries, calmly, logically, without emotion...none.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
That behavior sounds familiar to me too. XH acted like that alot w/me. Grumpy, distant, then Mr. friendly infront of friends, but ignoring me or being rude or insulting to me infront of friends.
Sometimes I've wondered if they resent us for choosing to stay and break it off with the OW.
I agree counseling is needed at this point. A good marriage counselor that promotes good listening and communication skills would be great at this point. It seems many couples decide they want to be together and choose to stay, but then nothing changes. They dont have the new tools to apply to rebuilding the relationship, and it just spins out of control again.
