i actually didn't realize anyone had posted back to me here until tonight
So what were the reasons why his A may not work out?
i'm assuming you want my opinion on it, based on what I heard?
this does not come directly from h, but from his mother whom he spoke to. I only know some of what may have happened, and so these are my thoughts on it. all he said directly to me was that "it's probably not going to work out with ow"
apparently ow was pushing h to meet his family and our s, for a while. they arranged several weeks ago, possibly as long ago as march that she would come this weekend for the "great" family gathering.
last thursday he told mil that he was feeling alot of pressure from her about doing this, and realized that he had f'ed up and he should cancel her trip. the next day after the D conversation with me, he did. he then told mil in 2 more conversations that ow was a bit upset, and then that she was freaking out, and he had realized that there was no way she could be coming up here while he lived with his parents (he just moved in with them 3 weeks ago). when mil said "people who don't have kids don't understand the sacrifices that parents go through for their kids" he agreed and said that's for sure
there are three people that h cannot face with this affair. His son and his mother's parents (who live there too). this family gathering (and it's huge) is to celebrate the same grandparents 70th anniversary. when it comes down to it i don't think he can walk in there with ow and look them in the face. and her pressuring him - well h hates pressure of any kind, even when it doesn't exist he perceives it as pressure.
i have no idea what else it could be.
what i do know is that last friday in the morning before he cancelled her trip, he came here to talk about how we were going to file. at one point i asked him very gently what his thoughts were on how he would introduce ow into s's life, and requested that we could discuss it before he did, so i could be prepared to support s. he promised me that we would do that. i don't know if that had any effect (earlier i had asked him that he wait until after the D for this), but he did cancel that trip the same day, and also told mil that the trip hadn't just been postponed, but that there were no plans for her to come up while he lived there - she said he was quite indifferent when he said that.
one thing i do know is that during those 3 or 4 days, the only person he didn't feel any pressure from was me. mil had freaked on him initially when he told her
one thing i do know about h is that he cannot abide anyone who gets upset or freaks out - he shuts down if they do (i did that alot during our m , and didn't realize that he could not even begin to handle it)
Have you cleaned up and changed the negative behaviors that he initially complained about? Not the nonsense spew, but the real behaviors that you felt needed changing?
in spades - far beyond my own expectations. it is constantly confirmed for me by all around me, including h - he has said that i am amazing in the way i have handled this. a few weeks ago he pointed out that i was this amazing strong woman who had her [censored] together - and believe me, i didn't before he left.
What were some of the things that made him attracted to the OW in the first place?
well, i'm not sure if i can answer that. around october last year, 2 months after it started, i said something to him about how i understood that he went to find something outside our marriage that was obviously missing for him. his reply was - that's the thing, nothing was missing.
apart from telling me once that he realized when he slept with her that his sexuality was intact, i don't have any other direct info about that.lately he's been going on about how we didn't have enough sex and now it was too late (we slpet together one night about a month ago and he was really freaked out because he felt so much and because he enjoyed it so much, but also felt that he had been disloyal to ow)
in the beginning when i found out who and where it was it seemed significant. she's the sister of one of his friends from a very fun period in his life - he had never met her all these years, until last august. i do know the sister and mother - they all live together in this wonderful nirvana like place. [censored], even i want to live there!!! early on, in one conversation he admitted sardonically that he could see how he was enacting out that period, when i think he felt truly free. he was going to uni and lived in a tent in the forest with his dog and had a motorbike. he started this sitch by getting a motorbike then riding it down there and starting the affair the next day!!
i think he felt trapped and wanted his freedom - and now when ow is pressuring - that's not freedom any more. i also see how h's father has several times escaped the ties of his marriage in order to feel free....
sorry my answer was so long - hard to pack it all in and give a clearer picture
i suppose i should mention that when h left, it had been 2-3 yrs of us both expecting me to be a messed up semi-invalid for the rest of my life. he came home everyday not knowing whether i was going to be half passed out in bed from severe migraines or "having a good day". it did look very bleak, and i suppose now when i think about it, maybe what he was getting from ow was emotional connection.(also , he didn't have to make any effort - with me he had to make a huge effort in his eyes that he hated making)
due to the post-concussion syndrome symptoms, i had lost most emotional connection with everything and everyone around me. it was coming back slowly and the year before he left i was getting better - a lot better, but it was too late for him to even notice that - he had given up long before.
thanks again MrBond -for looking in and asking
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
