A Huddle of Turtles

[zig]

journaling

have had a couple of tough days here - tough in a different sense though - just recognizing myself going through yet another layer of understanding and acceptance.

i guess i am shocked to find out that h would still want to file even if things weren't working out with ow, and it's taking me a while to digest the reality behind that. i guess i didn't realize how much i was fooling myself about what was wrong in the relationship and the separation.

otoh - don't believe anything they say and half of what they do.

so where does that really leave me? i don't know yet

i'm not spinning with this - actually just accepting it for what it is. that finally now almost a year into this sitch, to realize where we are truly at and to accept that

i had a strange dream last night - i dreamt that h wanted to reconcile and after a bit he moved back in, and it was this very strange scenario where he stayed completely withdrawn and quiet and in the dream i knew exactly where he was at. i was also completely calm and quite serene and totally accepting of the situation and where he was at, even though he had said he wanted to work it out but was not there yet. the overriding emotion i felt in the dream was patience - not how i feel itin real life, but this deep-abiding patience that i never knew existed.

when i woke i was a bit like shrugging it off as no big deal

can't wait to feel that in reality - maybe the dream is a premonition of where i'll be in the near future...having that deep detached patience that allows me to not crave anything in the moment

i talked to mil a bit tonight.i told her that i wasn't going to be there thurs, fri or sunday but would come for the dinner at the club on saturday evening - it is a whole day event out at the lake (h's favorite place as a child where he spent alot of his summers) - i doubt i'll go for the whole day, but will see in the morning

mil was delighted to hear about me going to see wanda jackson - with new friends,

she talked about how my whole life has been around s and her family and my working at home, and she said that she was utterly thrilled that i was choosing to do that over coming there - and made sure i didn't take it the wrong way. i was honest with her and said that i had held both those things up and the outing with friends was a lot more appealing than coming there. she said that she completely agreed

at one point she said - you know zig, i feel like the last fool standing, still having faith that this will work out and h will turn around.

i agreed with her that i sort of felt the same way, and maybe that was what having faith is all about.

i vacillate between the two - having it and not having it, but i suppose it's part of the process

today h called and wanted to talk about s's going to his very good friends' b'day party friday night at the same time h is barbecuing for the family and he wanted to know what WE should do about it and if i could take s because he totally expected me to be there. i replied that actually it was what HE should do about it because i wasn't going to be around. he got very very hassled, and started going into a tirade about how it was non-stop parties for 4 days, and he didn't have time to take s. i just calmly said h there are so many people around, i'm sure someone can drop s and pick him up. he did calm down then, but i could tell that he was very perturbed by me saying that i wasn't even going to be in town. he insisted that i go with s to get the b'day present. at first i said i didn't have time, but then gave in and said okay since s and i were going out to lunch and were half a block away from the toy store. poor fellow - he is so busy entertaining his family he doesn't have time to do that!! i did invite him to join us for lunch but he replied very quickly - i bought a packed lunch so i can't go.

so s and i had a lovely lunch out and went to get a gift for his friend. he picked a riobe - and on impulse i bought him one too, which he was delighted about. just planning ahead for when it gets cool enough for us to go out and play with it. we did for a couple of mins when we got home, but it was too hot.

on the work front, i felt very encouraged, developing a design that has been impossible for days, and that felt really good. so i'm plodding along slowly inch by inch towards new things and new scenarios for myself....