Still not sure I understand the second part of that, but I'd categorize our marriage as "in a rut" when she had her affair. She had never been good at WOAs (words of affirmation), and I finally stopped complimenting her. And I stopped pursuing her for sex, because she never showed any interest. She wanted to be pursued.
But no abuse or infidelity on my part. Her two biggest complaints? "He's always on his computer!" (on the opposite couch in the same room as her, usually watching the same tv show). And "He's always at those damned ballfields!" (I coached our sons' youth baseball teams).
So I wouldn't say it was horrible, but it wasn't as strong as it was in our early years. Pretty typical.
