New to DB

[mamabird]

It may be time to try to detach. If you can, you may "get over a hump" so to speak. Someone on another thread mentioned a NY Times article called "Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear." You should read it. The woman who wrote it, Laura Munson, somehow handled her situation with aplomb - like she honestly didn't give a rats a$$ what her H did. And he came back. She also wrote a book about it, which I think I'm going to read.

We all know how hard this is - we've been there, and we ARE there. Detaching may help you and also may help him realize that maybe you aren't always going to be there for him.

I also write a blog. A month ago, I posted this:

http://livefrominsideout.tumblr.com/post/27108920210/happy-re-birthday

I put links to it on my FB page, and obviously someone sent it to my H (he defriended me on FB). The next day, I got a notification he was following my blog (too bad he couldn't have done this before we separated). As soon as he read that post, his attitude TOTALLY changed... he went from not talking to me or looking at me to kind of talking to me and looking at me (a big step up). Once your H realizes you are GALing he may soften up.

There are a lot of good posts on detachment on this board and I encourage you to seek them out. As soon as he thinks you've stopped caring, you may see a change in him.

[hopefulinga]

Thank you for the suggestion on the article. I read it and am thinking about buying the book. I also looked at your blog and will continue to do so. I also ordered a few other books I've seen mentioned on this website.

Yesterday, I did break down in tears, call him and tell him that I was sorry and thanked him for all that he has done for me. In my mind, I needed to do that to prepare to say "goodbye" to start to detach. He did come home a few minutes early last night, when he has been coming home late. He also thanked me for dinner and told me how good it was. And he also tried a different wine. He didn't tell me he didn't like it. I asked if it was ok and he told me he liked his usual better. So, those are some of the small things I will take to heart and see as positives.

This morning, I asked him if he wanted me to buy tickets to a concert (we had palnned to go), and he told me no that he was too busy to think about it. The positive there was that he didn't say, no because I don't want to go with you.

I have set a goal for myself to not call him this weekend while I am gone. That will be very difficult for me to do. I will be away with a friend, so hopefully I can talk to her about the things I would normally call him about.

[mamabird]

Good for you Inga. If you can do these things you will start to feel stronger. Sounds like when you did break down in front of him and showed your vulnerable side, he reacted favorably (even if it was just small stuff).

How about finding a female friend to go to the concert with, and letting him know that you're going to go with that person if he can't give you an answer. Do it nicely though, something like, "Hey H, I'd love to spend an evening out with you, but Ms. So and So really loves this band and she'd jump at the chance to come to the concert with me if you can't decide. I'm buying the tickets tomorrow." You need to get a life and go to the concert with or without him (if you want to that is). If you do go without him, make sure he knows what a great time you had!

Now that you've cried and thanked him, you've said it. He knows. Be sweet, but distant. You're not cold, you're not angry. You're happily living your life and he can be part of it or not. Can you do that?

If you can "get out from under his spell" and truly get to the point where your emotions are not affected by what he does or does not do or say, you really will feel happier, and he may feel attracted to you again. I think this is the point of what that book is all about.

[hopefulinga]

I've thought about going with someone else. And I'm also thinking about approaching a friend of mine that I know goes out for girls night to see if I can tag along. When we got married, we agreed that we wouldn't do stuff like that. But at this point, I've got to get out for myself.

I think I can try to be distant. Some days, I think I am already like that. But I have to do it with a smile on my face.

And today I've thought about a post I made last week about H having dinner with that woman. I ran into her today at school registration and she looked terrible. I felt bad for her because she's in such bad shape. I also felt like an idiot for getting mad at H, but at least I didn't tell him I was mad.

Why did I get mad? Because we rarely go out to eat. Why? Because he says he is on the road all day, tired and likes my cooking. So I've always taken that as a compliment. I've also told him it is nice to get out to spend some time together and to give me a break.

So, this is an area that I need to work on. I've got to accept that he has female friends and to not always get accusatory, which is what I do. That has been a major issue for him and he has brought it up several times since the bomb. I've got to get my self-esteem back and get my jealousy under control. I know some of the reasons for my jealousy and insecurities in this area and I need to move on. I'm sure he doesn't feel good knowing that his wife doesn't trust him.

[scaredsilly]

Just don't stay home all the time while he's going out. There's nothing wrong with not liking your H going out to dinner with women. I can see it if it's an occasional thing and strictly business. However, that doesn't happen that often. I know. I've been in the business world.

Put the shoe on the other foot and it would pinch.

[hopefulinga]

Yup, you are correct. I can think back to times he's gotten pretty mad that I've had contact with an exboyfriend, or a man called the house and wouldn't tell him who he was after he asked for me. I am in the business world as well and know it doesn't occur that often.

H is technically not going out. He takes our D to dinner when I teach at night and somehow this person ended up there. So, I was out. The only thing he does after work is sit around his hangar with his buds having a beer, and generally comes home by 7:30. My being out the house on the weekends when he is not there is another story and something I need to work on.

And we did have an honest conversation about the dinner thing almost 10 years ago. But that never stopped my anger or jealousy. Why, I don't know.

[hopefulinga]

Minor changes in the routine last night when I got home from teaching. H waited for me to get home, but went inside before I got in the door. He was still in the kitchen. Not reading too much in to it.

I did write him a letter yesterday and I don't know if he read it and he will never admit to it. But I feel a lot better and I think it will help me move on. In the letter I acknowledged the changes that I needed to make and what they would look like. No R talk. He will not go to MC. I did mention SBT and told him I would appreciate it if he would take a look at it, but if not, that was fine too. I also told him I would no longer focus on our past, the mistakes we both made and that I was moving forward with my life.

Off to DC in a little bit. I am excited and nervous. I am also afraid that I will not want to come back home. I love DC and always imaginged living there. It is so exciting to me. I used to be a political animal (I intered as a lobbyist in college), H not so much.

I try to look at each day as if it were the first day of the rest of my life, which I guess it is.

[hopefulinga]

Need to vent before I leave, but I kept my composure at home.

Last night I noticed a jar of BBQ sauce on the counter. This am I asked H if someone had given him the sauce (I know, dumb question, duh, but I didn't want to accuse and say Who gave you this). I got the one word response, yes. So I followed up, oh, who did. One of his friends that we cook with. He then informed me that the friend had taken our recipe and modified it and claimed it was awesome.

That made me mad for several reasons. One, don't rub it in my face (I've felt like this friend tries to compete with me for H's attention and has caused us some problems). Two, if I had changed the recipe, the world would have stopped turning. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Why do you always have to change things? Why can't you just leave the recipie alone? What did you do different? You know I don't like change, I'm a simple man. Stop experimenting with me."

So, I bit my lip and just said, oh that's nice. Yes, it is my issue, but I also feel like it is disparate treatment. I feel like his friends always get special treatment and can get away with things I can't, which I know I said a few posts ago.

[scaredsilly]

Double standards are hard to take. Good job keeping you cool!

[Arsene]

Hi hopefulinga,

Hope you're doing better. Just read some of your sitch and you seem to be really struggling with detaching. IMO you might seem clingy to your H. Give him some space. Don't write to him. Don't tell him everything you are doing. Keep some mystery about your life. If he asks, then tell him, but just answer his questions, don't volunteer too much.

See what that does and adjust your behaviour accordingly. JMO.