Thank you, I am sure you are correct that my behaviors are making the situation worse, but I have been trying hard these last 6 weeks to make things better, with only the couple fights really bad where I lost my temper.
I will follow up later tonight when I get a chance and perhaps another member will chime in as well.
I just want to note the italic and bolded parts above.
Please understand that you CAN NOT "make things better".
Work on shifting your thinking.
What you CAN do is, "change yourself to change the sitch".
That means that when you do something different, no matter what it might look like, to change this pattern of attack / attack from the both of you, your H will eventually stop attacking.
I am not suggesting leave and hide in a shelter. I AM saying though that, metaphorically, if you aren't there, he can't attack you. If you've changed yourself and become unavailable specifically to his attacks, you remove yourself as a target.
The answering machine, for example. Don't listen and own what he said. Just understand he was spewing and delete the message.
Letting anger out is actually healthy. That he's targeting you... well, we could call that wrong and abusive. Yet eventually, he will run out of steam if he has nothing more to fuel his fire...
I truly believe that you need to choose and strongly follow the LRT method of DB right now with a strong dose of NC.
Get yourself away from the madness. It will eventually settle down...
Again, his behaviour almost appears bi-polar. And that CAN happen when someone is MLC. Read about bi-polar to see the behaviours. Please note that people don't suddenly become bi-polar in mid life. That's where the MLC is playing a part and is showing up as personality disorders. This is common.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Good Afternoon! Thank you for the homework-perfect for an academic although I usually am the one assigning it-but in my field it is usually to men in uniforms with big guns and fighter jets and bombs! So I will see how they feel and do the homework. Looking forward to it!
Afternoon update from the cuckoo's nest: Kaffe Diem-thank you for the advice. Strangely I had already decided to hide from him for a couple days and not be online for him to talk to. Your post and the reading I did cemented the idea. I wonder if he is not getting the mental stimulation and adult time with me then turning to the little girl for his 17 year old needs and sex-cake eating is the term I think was used. So less than 48 hours after we saw each other last, he is back on my FB page commenting. Today weird as usual. First post-sane and mature-hopes working out is going well for me since he helped me with a routine. 2 minutes later when I did not respond or go on line even, he follows up with a Lennon quote not attributing it to JL-"I'm not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm one of those people." No idea what that means and was unrelated to anything I had put up. On his FB page he is manic again today-posting tons of stuff. One song I am sure is directed to me as it came right after he sent the quote-Lennon's How-look at the lyrics-depression and confusion-his feelings?? The other 2 songs not sure who they are direct to. Jesus give me military guys and foreign dictators any day-easier to predict and analyze what they are thinking and doing than this craziness. Reality is over here cuckoo.
Other 2 songs- In Bloom by Nirvana-Curt Cobain wrote of this song-"I chose to live the life of a recluse. I didn't hang out with anyone else because I couldn't handle their stupidity." Great, genius! Idolize and identify with a guy who committed suicide-and revert back to the cuckoo's self-declared war on stupidity. Same old same old. 2nd song-The Beatles Something-god only knows what that means-either he loves me or the little girl but does not know if love will grow-lovely some more indecision and coded crap hoping to induce mental masturbation which I have no time for as I already used up all the time alloted for stupidity for the day. However, it occurs to me to ask, SHOULD I BE WORRIED HE IS LEANING TOWARD SUICIDE based on his depression, words, song choices previous comments about dying etc?? Could my not talking to him as LRT etc push him that way? Sorry more mental masturbation but my crystal ball is down today apparently and I am not receiving the messages from outerspace clearly.
Take a step back from the whole situation for a minute. What I hear you describing, is a man who is WAY beyond the ordinary craziness of the Walk-away spouse (and yes, they can be pretty crazy at times). But your fiancee sounds mentally unstable in a much more serious way.
Does he have any history of bipolar disorder? (Sounds manic). Any history of substance abuse? (Meth makes people manic, paranoid, etc). Any history of thyroid disease? (High thyroid can cause psychosis). Any other health problems in his history, or his family history? (Huntington's Chorea?) Has he been using Chantix to stop smoking? On any other prescription meds? Does he have OCD? Could he have a brain tumor?
I'm just telling you, both as a physician and as someone who has been on these boards for forever - it sounds to me like something more is going on here than even the usual crazy shenanigans of the WAS.
Step away from it, get your feelings out of the way for a bit, and just see if you can figure out what's happening to him. The inappropriate postings on FB have me worried. Oh - and be safe, please. He sounds dangerous in his current state.
Alright, after reading your sitch, it's obvious your fiancee is certifiable and you are okay with that? All the threats on your life, killing you, etc. Those are serious serious issues. Have you talked to someone professional?
Bottom line is, what do you want? Are you asking to how to save your R? You really want a R still with him? This is whom you want to have a life with?
Oh and BTW, he's not entirely without fault. You don't need to goad him as well. If you don't want him hanging out with OW, then stop relationship with him PERIOD! Yet you always appear when he wants you to be. All you're doing is fueling the fire. I don't know if you're trying to save him or just pushing things to see how much further you can push.
Usually someone whose life has been threatened several times and physically, doesn't maintain contact as much as you have.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
While you can not fix him, I do agree with kml. I never thought of brain injury or some other recent medical condition that could bring on this type of behaviour.
IF he checks himself out at the doctors, then maybe something will happen... but that will be entirely up to him. You could ask him to go, but then he is likely to spew even more at you.
ALSO... do NOT use this information kml mentioned as more fuel to attack him...
PLEASE... BACK OFF... I suspect you are just trying to protect your emotions... but this volatile dynamic between the two of you could be very, very dangerous, potentially...
You mention you train a bunch of cone heads so I can imagine you can stand up well in a discussion... as also suggested by your posts...
Thank you for your response Dr. kml. Great Cuckoo excels at this also. His family history-mother depression Oldest brother schizophrenia 2nd brother-Bipolar Sister-depression 2 other sisters and father-fine.
I agree he is manic, but no diagnosis of bipolar. Also is paranoid. The world is out to get him. Sure genius we are all focused on you. I would swear no substance abuse as he is very focused on weight training and often makes fun of those who take steriods and such for that, won't even take an aspirin. No medical problems in the last 12 years-only been to the doctor twice-knee problem and Upper Resp Infection. No smoking ever.
I am very worried that there is more going on than MLC too but not sure what to do. It is not possible that I suggest a doctor as he would go right out of his tree. Today paranoia when I did not talk to him. He claims someone keeps liking things on his FB account that he does not like so he changed his password. Post today "I DO NOT LIKE SBERBANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!​!!!! What the hell! I never once did it. I do however prefer sbermbank. xexe" How is this funny??
Symptoms of change in the last months since we split-excessive anger, not sleeping, weight loss-body fat is down to about 4%, eating about half the food he did before, hair graying rapidly and receeding, told me he has lost interest in working out and went about 6 weeks without doing it when we never missed a day of it in 20 years, told me he feels as though he wakes up in the morning in a fog likening it to when you have the flu and everything is fuzzy and cloudy mentally, told me he never stops thinking and his mind never stops racing so he has trouble sleeping. This last week I also noted he is talking to himself frequently both during the day and in the evening. One night I wakened to find him in the hall staring into the bedroom and mumbling to himself for about 4 minutes before he returned to the couch to sleep. Also I wakened nightly (5 times) in the middle of the night at the university to find him standing over my bed mumbling but then can't make out what he is saying other than it sounds like instructions to himself-no no why why can't can't back to bed/sleep. ALso the vague references to suicide that I described in other posts. Would you please comment on whether in your opinion you think he is suicidal if you have the time, and whether these things I have described here indicate to you any particular mental illness? Thank you!
MrBond-hi and thanks for the straight forward blunt smack to my head for a reality check-I like that approach-please keep it up. No, not really ok with him being a certifiable lunatic, and have not talked with anyone professional about this as I am not sure who I would talk with.
Hard question-I would love to save the relationship if he got some help. More than that though I am ok if we cannot be together, if he would just get some help and get past this craziness so he could be happy again. I mourn so terribly for the interesting man he was, and I guess I feel responsible for his current actions since he was normal before I blew up his world dumping him. And I greatly fear that he will commit suicide or ruin his life in other ways because of what I did to him.
I certainly should not goad him and make no excuses for doing that. I know I am responsible for the situation with the slut girl as I goaded him into that and dated others too. So I am stopping contact with him for a period-unsure how long as he already contacted me twice today on FB and once via email. Any advice? ANd as to appearing as he needs, again guilty as charged. I know I have to stop bailing him out of messes. If he wants to be an adult then he has to take care of himself but I get sucked in when he turns to me and asks for help, my tendency to fix and care for him I suppose. I did tell him I was tired of being his mother and just wanted to be a wife, but a few weeks later again he calls crying and begging for help. So I suppose trying to save him is my answer although I do take pleasure in him still needing me on some level I suppose. But that is stopping today I assure you. And yes, an odd sick reaction to him threatening my life but then I never really took the threats seriously until this last week even though he told me once he meant them at the time he said them but not any longer. Also, I suppose with my history of physical viuolence in relationships I am just not scared of anything anymore.
