Divorced. My fault, and cant move forward

[Mrs D]

My ExH and I were married 9 years. Divorce was final the day of our 9th anniversary. To cut it short, I had an affiar 3 years ago. Went to counceling, quit because I didnt care for the therapist - didnt start again. None of the problems that apparently were there before the affair were resolved. H tried with every bit of his heart to make it work - I did not. In the meantime I become friends with my trainer - texted all the time about nothing. Truth is, I did find him attractive, thought maybe things could be more with him - but it never happened. We have only been friends. Husband was very intimidated by him – which I would have felt the same if I had found H texting someone.
I moved out last November. Actually, EXH packed the truck and moved me. I didn’t try to stop the move. He filed for divorce later – I asked him, pleaded with him not to file. He asked to give him one good reason – the only thing I came up with was “You would be wasting money because we would only get married again”. I am not good with communication. I should have said “Because we love each other and we can work on our problems”. But I didn’t. Fast forward to the day we sign the papers. I cried through the whole process. I didn’t want this divorce – but knowing he paid whatever he paid (and he is really tight with his money), I felt I had to. So I signed the papers. We were still very much together up to the day of our divorce. I didn’t go to the courtroom. I asked him, pleaded again not to go through with it. He did.
Course, the whole time Im still texting my trainer. I know I shouldn’t have had this relationship with my trainer. My H asked me time and again to stop. I would for a bit, then start again. This is why he didn’t stop the divorce.
Fast forward to today. I am in counseling. The big Ah-ah moment last week is that I have not yet forgiven myself for the affair that I had. I don’t feel I deserve my husband or his love. But I still want attention – seeking from the trainer. Even though my H is very much trying daily to win my love.
I know my H is the love of my life. I ruined our marriage, and instead of seeing help right away – I lied and disrespected everything that I had. I know you all are going to say that I only want him now because hes gone (hes been “dating” for about 4 weeks now – same girl) but that is not the truth. I always wanted us – just didn’t know how to fix us. Didn’t realize that there were more issues within me – which I am now seeking answers to.
Friends tell me the girl he is seeing is not permanent. She has never been married – wants kids – which we all know he does not want more kids. She is a huge drinker, smoker, young – everything that he is not. They all feel she is there to waste his time.
He called a friend of mine the other day when she told him that he needed to tell me to either move on, or that he wants to work it out – Im having a hard time letting go. He had all sort of questions after he said that he didn’t think that he could ever trust me again. He asked if she really thought I was changing, could ever be trusted, if I would ever do the things to make it work – and she answered honest to his questions. She said when they hung up, it seemed like he was on the fence – that he was sitting back to see what I did.
She then calls me today to tell me some other things she had found out – said that he is spending all of his time with her, even after he drops our son back to my place. She then urges me to call him and ask him point blank if there was a chance for us in the future, after Ive fixed my issues and made myself a better person. Mind you, I did this Sunday or Monday this week. When I asked him – his response was – with hesitation – “I don’t think so”. In my mind, that is not a firm No. And that was the reason she contacted him and asked him to tell me one way, or the other.
So – I called him again today. I knew it was too soon. I knew I shouldn’t call – but I did. His answer was a firm No, move on. I don’t think that I can ever trust you again. Was this his response because that is what he is feeling, or because it came three or four days after the last time I asked? Im sure hes sick of talking about it…
So now Ive decided I cannot call, text – go out of my way for him any longer. He hasn’t really had the time to miss me – cause like I said – we were spending ALL of our time together up till 4 weeks ago when he started dating her. I guess my question is – does anyone think there is a chance? I know I screwed up on so many levels, and I want to work on making things better. I also know I need to make myself happy and love myself again, including forgiving myself for the affair. I know that is why I pushed him away for so long. I still do not know the core issue that brought the affair in the first place.