No More LRT, but slow progress

[LostIn407]

Update on advice in this thread. (No offense if I left you out, but these are the items I feel most pressing to respond to):

JKS
Both of our answers, I believe, is to detach. Both of our spouses would recognize the loss that they are having to face and they would have to step up to the plate and take action... one way or the other. Right now, we're both just waiting in the sidelines for them to make a decision but how is that fair?

I feel I have detached. I am doing great at work and they are already making plans to promote me to a high level position. I am getting great feedback at work.

I am no longer waiting on her decision. I have decided that I cannot continue on our current path. With D5 starting school on Monday, we have adjusted our visitation schedule and will be going back to a schedule instead of spending most of our time together at night. I need to get back to having "my time". I have put 5lbs back on because my workout schedule and diet have gone to crap since W starting spending more time with me.

VEROPRADO
If you feel crappy after your trips with W cuz she's with OM then set it as a boundary. Say, I would love to go on another trip with you (wherever you'd like wink after you have ended your relationship with OM.

Boundary is set. She wants to be friends and try to see if the spark is still there with me. She says not to force it. I said I am not going to be the person she hangs out with until she finds another OM. I deserve better.

As stated above, we are going to end the sleepovers.

STARSKY
To each his own, but I personally would never live in an open marriage. Once you know (about the affair), and your wife KNOWS that you know, the marital dynamic is VERY destructive, in my opinion, from that point forward. Because it saps away at YOUR self-respect and emotional health, and your wife -- I can assure you -- is rapidly losing attraction for a man who would just passively allow her to cheat on him. And since women tie their feelings of "love" VERY closely to their feelings of "respect," I would contend that she is even losing love for you with your "well, there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well just be nice her to her" attitude.

Yep -- good. And for gosh sakes, DON'T say something like "it just hurts too much." It's not attractive. Instead say "it's disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family," or simply "this isn't working for me anymore."

I let her know how I deserve better and how it is disrespectful to me.

OM has been gone since our trip. W doesn't talk to OM's mother either. She talked to me about getting her hair done. In the past OM's mother did her hair. She told me the other day "Don't worry, she is not doing my hair anymore."

VERA BE FIERCE
"You know, W, it's been really great spending time with you recently. But [your boundary discussion goes here]."

HOLLYANN
And you need to take some pretty STRONG actions of your own.
You don't have to be a dick about it, just calmly state that this is not working for you; you will not be in this marriage as long as there is a third party polluting it.

See above. This is done. The third party is gone.

POOKIE69
"W, being friends with you does not work for me right now. You fired me as your husband. I choose not to be friends with someone who disrespected me that way. Maintaining that status quo is not healthy for me."

I have stated this many times. I told her I have no intentions of being her friend. I told her that I cannot move on while being her friend.

CHATTERBUG
407 you see. It is up to your wife to end it with OM. It is up to your wife to start telling the truth. It is up to your wife to want to repair the marriage. It is up to your wife to acknowledge and own her issues.

It is up to you to come to grips with the betrayal. it is up to you to determine and set your boundaries. It is up to you to figure out why you let this happen to you. It is up to you to build your self esteem. It is up to you to determine what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate.

"Wife, I have thought deeply about these past few months. I have owned and worked on my issues. I am now at a point where I am mentally strong and able to enforce my non-negotiable boundaries. I have decided that I will not be involved in an open marriage. It is disrespectful to the marriage. It is disrespectful to the children. It is disrespectful to me.

I am moving on from this point. With you or with out you. I know I will be fine either way."

"Wife. I will believe what you say when you have consistently shown that you are telling the truth. At this time you have shown through your actions that you will lie. "

You know the primary goal here is to do the following.

1. Break the Affair.
2. Improve yourself.
3. Start a new relationship where you both work at it.

You are heading down a path where either you live in limbo for years or get back together with her in control and history repeats and she bids her time for a clean financial backing break from you.

Affair is over.

I have made tremendous improvements to myself. My appearance, finances and self-esteem are greatly improved.

The last item is the tricky one: Start a new relationship where you both work at it.

Am I currently on this one? My W wants to spend time with me. My W knows what I want. My W knows that if she spends time with me, I am expecting things to go down a certain path. I refuse to be the gay-friend. Her response is that she is trying and not to force the physical part.

This past Sunday was D5's birthday party with her family. After the party we talked. I told her that I have made a lot of changes in my life based on the mistakes I made in our M. She acknowledged my changes and told me that I was fine as I was, I didn't need to make any more changes. I was a good person.

At this point, we are moving to time apart.

I guess I need to know what your definition of her working on the marriage?

I am a happier person. My friends have commented that I sound a lot better when I talk to them on the phone. I talked to my best friend for the first time since my trip with the W. He was surprised that I didn't bring up the W to him at all because that has been the bulk of our conversations. I no longer reach out to others for advice or support. I used to be on this forum all day, but now just check in occasionally on others.

Losing my W and M aren't the end of the world. I know this now.

My anniversary is in a few days. Don't think i will even bring it up.