New to DB

[mamabird]

Good luck. Don't be afraid to take a break if you get worked up, or if he does.

[hopefulinga]

Well, it didn't happen. He got back right before I had to go to class, was stressed to the max and a friend present. I got home a few minutes ago and he just went to bed. I know better than to bring it up right now. He also had a not so happy tone of voice.

I will see how he is in the morning or maybe tomorrow at dinner. I'm thinking more at dinner because we fight in the place we are in the morning. Since it will be a day later, my edge will be off and hopefully it will stay that way. Not happy about the issue, but am willing to keep an open mind, listen to what he has to say and not respond much.

More and more I am definitely seeing MLC. The money being spent is just out of control. I would never say this to him, but I want to say, how do you think you are going to give me money (he told me he would give me money if I needed it, buy me a house, applicances, etc)if we are not together and continue to spend?

[mamabird]

Let us know how it goes! Just wait until he's calm - it will go better. I know how you must feel. I'm already strategizing on my "get back in the house" conversation and I've decided we need to have a pre-discussion to set up the discussion! If only these men knew what we were going through in the name of marriage...

[hopefulinga]

Well, I asked him this morning. I just wanted an answer. He was short and snappy. I didn't really go by the script because of his behavior and I got a little confused about what to say. When he got short, I told him that I was not trying to critize him. After that, I let it go and did not ask the remainder of my questions or give the other thoughts that I had.

His back and forth behavior is going to drive me nuts. I'm wondering if it is ok to ask him to speak to me in a different manner, or do I just have to put up with this? I can't tell if it is consious or not.

[scaredsilly]

of course it's ok. however, i suggest you don't ask him, you let him know that whenever he speaks to you disrespectfully, you will walk away and the conversation will end and then, stick to it.

it's time for boundaries to protect yourself from bullying.

[hopefulinga]

So I could say something like I wish you would use a different tone with me, or I feel uncomfortable or hurt when you use that tone? Usually the tone is with a one word answer to something I've asked, such as, are you going to be in town today.

Right now I feel like I am about to emotionally slip, which may be ok to show him I am vulnerable. I have a very overwhelming next 10 days, with not much time for me, or my DB reading or journaling.

[scaredsilly]

A boundary is not a request or a "wish". It's a personal line in the sand that you will not allow to be crossed over without an action on your part.

Better to state that the tone he is using is disrespectful to you and you will not accept it and walk away, even if it's only one word.

[hopefulinga]

Got it.

I've had a few communications with him today that have been fairly pleasant. He called me to create an invoice for him (I am his bookkeeper for his business) so he could drop it off to a customer. I was please with this because I mentioned to him this am that we were behind in billing. The next was about our D's dr. appt. I called and left vm, he called right back.

Times like that give me the glimmers of hope that we can make it through this time.

[hopefulinga]

I'm also finding that I do better on days that I read DB, DR or go to the prayer tower than when I don't and I just mull the sitch through in my mind. I think I can focus better and don't overthink and try to overcomplicate what I am supposed to be doing. Those are also things that I can do for myself to make me a better person.

[hopefulinga]

I feel like I may be getting closer to emotionally detaching. I'm in tears, really don't want to look at H, tired of being treated like crap. I know deep down in there, a sweet and caring man exists, and that's what hurts. No matter what I say or try to do, I don't feel like I'm ever going to be able to thank him enough, or be nice enough in his eyes to compete with his female friends.