Needing some guidance... 5

[reachingHigher]

Hope things are going okay for you.

Let us know how you are when you get a chance.

[jks]

Wow, it's been a long week. Emotional. Miserable and utterly wonderful all at the same time. How? Well, first of all, I am not a car/traveling type person. I get motion sickness really easy. And I didn't know it, but most of the trip that my parent's had planned was driving. Kind of a nightmare with having to sit in the back with two little kids.

However, the down time that we had outside of the car and around our campsite was absolutely wonderful. I took my D6 on a bike ride and we found a little stream and played down by it just the two of us. We went on a little adventure. I did the same at a different campsite with my S4 and we went around a little town just exploring. My one-on-one time with my kids is probably the most amazing thing about being a parent. These are the times that I feel rewarded for all of the hard work that has to be put in when being a mother. There really is nothing like it. I had a lot of those moments on this trip.

Last Thursday night I had a thought to see how my D1 was doing and texted my H to ask. I also asked who was watching her. (mother's intuition, I tell you...) He said she's been a little sick and that OW was watching her. My heart sank. This is my baby. So much of this situation is moving so fast for me it is really hard to cope with the fact that this is my life now. OW was staying at H's parent's house watching my D1 because H's parents were out of town. Apparently all of H's family was out of town so he had no one else to ask. That is so not true. There are plenty of friends that would have been willing to help. H works until 1:00 in the morning and so OW slept over, I'm sure.

I asked him, so she's sleeping over? He said, depends. I said, I'm really not ok with this. He said, I didn't have another choice. Everyone is gone. I then asked him if the roles were reversed how would he feel about this situation? He said I guess it would depend on who the person is. It's not like she's some stranger. I asked him if he would be confused if he were me? Which he then went on to say that he told me before that he cares a lot for OW and he's tried to separate himself from her but he can't.

I said, so what does that mean? He responded, I've been thinking a lot about our R and I honestly feel that we won't work. I also feel like I am dragging you along on this awful nightmare because I don't want to hurt you anymore. And because of that I haven't followed through with getting a D. I also know that I need to follow my heart and what I believe to be the right decision. I have a great R with OW and I can't walk away from it. As horrible and awful as this whole thing is that is how I feel.

I didn't respond for 15 min. I really didn't know what to say. He then said, you there? I said, yes. He said, I am sorry, jks. What are you thinking?

It took me a long time to think of the best thing to say here. So many things running through my head. I wanted to say so much but I knew there was no use in trying to argue my point or make him see my way. That has somewhat not worked for me in the past. So I responded 20 min later with, I'm just really sorry that I hurt you so much. I can't take it back now but would have loved to have been able to work through it with you.

He then said, there are a lot of things that I am sorry about and that will probably stay with me my entire life. I have done a lot of figuring out who I am. I can honestly say that I have changed. I'm not saying I've changed in a bad way or that I think I'm a bad person but I am different than I was 10 years ago.

I didn't respond. What do you say to that? If that's how he feels then that's how he feels. I see a greater picture but he will never see it if I try to argue my side. My weekend was rough after that. I did a lot of praying. I did a lot of thinking. I had such great moments of feeling like this is a great opportunity for me to go out and find someone that truly appreciates me. And quite possibly the ability to love even more deeply. But then on the flipside, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to make the same mistakes all over again just with a new person. Obviously, my first priority is to continue to work on myself and my self worth and independence. But you can't help but wonder what a future R will bring.

I wanted so badly to do the work of making our M so much more than it could have ever been. And I decided, you know what, I'm going to take the DB advice and not believe anything he says right now. He doesn't know how much I can and have changed. He doesn't see me or hang out with me enough to know. So all I can continue to do is radiate positive energy. I know that either way, God has happiness out there for me. I am devastated for my children if this is really how it has to be for the rest of their lives. We'll see if he really follows through with filing this time.

I did drop off my two older kids to him today and picked up my D1 because I missed her. I was happy and the kids were so happy to see their dad. They were happy to see D1 too. I hate this feeling of everyone being separated and just wishing we could all be together. I didn't really say much but I was happy and nice. I felt at that moment that maybe there really isn't much that I'm missing out on. As far as a R with H. It reminds me of how I felt completely empty around him on numerous occasions just wishing there was more of a spark.

But then I'm reminded of that night after the T appt and I know it's there. I know those feelings from me are still there and I know they're still somewhat there for him as well.

My DB coach basically said, PA's can take up to 6-9 months or even a year to come out of. Reality will set in. Maybe he needs to move in with her and deal with day to day life with her and realize that sacrificing your family and most of all, your small children to have this R is maybe not what it seems?? I hope the fog drifts away soon. But I have a feeling it's going to take longer. My heart keeps telling me to hold on. I don't know why, it just does. And then sometimes I'm trying to face reality and really prepare myself for this to be over.

So one thought that I've been mulling over for the weekend is, I really need to get my own place. I need to find a steady job and I need to find a place that I can call my own. My kids have mentioned on several occasions that they can't wait until they don't have to live with Grandma and Grandpa anymore, on both sides. I think they miss having a home of their own. I know they miss having our family together more than anything. They talk about it all the time. They hate going back and forth. In fact, my D6 asked me over the weekend... am I going to have to do this for the rest of my life? I said, maybe. And then she said, and are you going to marry someone else and then I'll have a new daddy? I said, I might marry someone else but that person will not be your new daddy. Your Daddy will always be your daddy.

My heart is breaking over and over. It seems like every week it's a new thing. He is moving so fast with her it kills me. And I'm trying so hard to be ok with it. I'm trying so hard to have a forgiving heart but it really is so hard to forgive someone when they continue to hurt you weekly. I know we both feel really awful for all of the things we've done to each other and I will always wish that we can have the opportunity to make it right again.

Wow. Sorry for the long post.

[adinva]

(((jks)))

[Accuray]

JKS,

Wow, that's a lot. These R talks always seem to end with you feeling worse.

"I asked him, so she's sleeping over?"

You knew the answer to that before you asked it. I do things like that too, then you get the answer you expected and it's like punishing yourself. We seem to have this in common, what is it about us that leads us to force our WAS into giving us bad news?

I know that improvement lies in not asking those questions, not driving by H's parents' house, and staying away from confrontations with H and OW, but I don't know how to get to the place where you stay away from those things -- but that is definitely the path forward for both of us. Just don't get into those discussions at all.

I do think that how you handled the discussion at the end was about as well as you could have, but you would have been so much better served by avoiding it altogether.

I feel so badly for you and for the kids -- H's decisions and behavior just make me angry. You are a good person and a great mother, keep focusing on you with all you've got.

Accuray

[jks]

I wouldn't even bother getting into those conversations if it weren't for my kids. Something inside me tells me it isn't right. It hits me so hard because my children are my world. To have someone come in and start taking on the role of their mother while I'm not around is heart wrenching... especially my baby. He is moving fast and he doesn't understand the effects that this has on everyone and I just have to sit back and let it happen. It's extremely hard not to say anything at all.

He's just so dang excited about his new R that he's trying on all the different scenarios he can with her because it makes it all that much more real. And it pushes me out of his life even more. But all the while his kids are so saddened by it. They tell me all the time... why can't daddy just come back? We just want to all be together again. In fact, my D6 said one day to me, why couldn't OW find a H that wasn't married? I said, I don't know.

I am in hell. I've said it before, but I cannot believe this is my life now.

[bustingout]

((((jks))))

I really feel for you. I understand the need to converse for the kids. I did that. But I realised after a lot of time, it still did nothing to change his behaviour...and I could not control that. It took me a long time to realise that trying to define his relationship with his kids was not my business. It really sux because we shouldn't have to encourage a healthy relationship with our kids and their fathr/mother. We believe it should be as natural as it is for us. It is not on this sitch.

I am not yet sure why....I don't understand it. But it is the reality. And the truth is that we have to deal with the reality of our situations. So that means WE have to be the best parent...solid...caring, a friggen ROCK for our children...and you know...it made me realise I always want to be that ROCK with or without the support of my H.

Get yourself out of hell. You have to find your way out. Its you and the three little ones. You are so strong, a wonderful mother a wonderful person. I know you can see your way out. Go.

[reachingHigher]

Jks, my heart is so heavy with grief for you. I read all what you said. I don't have any advice. I admire you so much for continuing to have a heart and desire for your family unit to be restored.

You are continuing to stand for what you believe in despite the constant pain.

I guess you'll have to put that energy right now into just making life better for you and the children. It sound like following the avenue of getting a place of your own and a steady job might be a profitable diversion from the energy you are putting into your sorrow over H.

Will your mom be able to watch the kids while you are at work? Can you work from home?

I'm glad you were able to have some great moments this week with your children. Are you journaling those positive interactions as treasures to encourage you?

[ces67]

(((jks)))

Forgiveness is not an easy skill. It takes time to develop those muscles. And as you start using them you'll get sore just like when you try to strengthen any other muscle. But in the end, you have a new strength that will serve you well.

I am so sorry for your kids and you. At some point, you may want to consider some family counseling to help them deal with these changes.

Getting your own job and place sounds like a great idea. You have every ability to stand on your own 2 feet and provide for yourself and your kids. Its what you can control and influence so take the reigns on it and go!

[jks]

I cannot believe my morning today. First of all, I had an amazing night last night receiving counsel from some amazing men from my church. I came home feeling renewed. Yes, this is hard... but good things are to come from it. I KNOW this to be true.

I prayed one night this week to please let something go in my favor. Anything. Just something to help give me a sense of direction. So this morning I receive a text from a photographer that I met while doing a wedding a couple months ago... he told me that he has a job opportunity for me and would like to know if I'm interested.

Um, really? This job could not be any more perfect for me. The hours are super flexible. The pay is wonderful. The people that work there are super awesome (I met some of them at the photography workshop I did this year.) This job is actually a very coveted job by several photographers in this area. And the fact that HE CALLED ME... is beyond words amazing!! In his studio he even has a separate area that he made for kids if I ever had to bring my kids to work. Can we say perfect??

When I got off the phone I immediately went to tell my mom and her and I both started crying. I've struggled so much to know whether to quit my photography and go out and get a steady income job so I know I can support myself and my children. But the hardest thing about it was to leave my photography behind. This enables me to work with like-minded people and to continue on that artistic path. I feel so blessed.

The job is located an hour and a half away from where I currently live right now so I'm going to spend my weekend looking around at my options of where I can live.

I'm on the fence of what I should tell my H because I feel like where I go should be my own decision and not based off of what he wants. I want to do what's best for me and my kids. Thoughts on this? I don't think I'll be telling him about the job until everything is really set in motion.

The feeling I have right now is a huge sense of relief and a lot of happiness coming my way. I finally have a way to embrace my independence and love what I'm doing and still be a part of my childrens' lives.

[LITB]

That is awesome news JKS. I am doing my happy dance for you.

As for telling your H. I agree with you. You only share what you feel comfortable sharing. IMO, he gave up the right to enjoy your accomplishments.

Congrats on the GREAT news!!