second time newcomer, back for more

[NASCARDaddy]

oooooo that reminds me. one other thing she said to her mom

"i feel smothered"

forgot that one.

Then don't push and step back for a little bit. Like I said, she has to want to make the changes for herself. If you push, she will most likely fight you. However, if you begin to draw away she may just decide that she doesn't like that and approach you, and that is when you should begin to talk to her about your R.

[badcompany]

gotcha:)

[NASCARDaddy]

Also, I would suggest that instead of focusing on all the bad that is happening right now take stock of what good things you have in your life. If you need a pick me up, try this advice.

[ericmsant2]

BC

This may piss you off. I think you need to see what I see in your posts.

First off, try not to push to hard. She will talk when she is ready

So do yourself a favor, step back, breath and GAL

And you said to both of us…

so we'll play it by ear and back off a little.

I've made it a habit this week of backing off, but letting her know I was there for her.

She'll pop out of her depression when she's ready...

but do NOT smother her.

Then Kaffe said to you…

You want to support her, but not enable her, yet not smother her...

Are you see a pattern? Wait…there is more..

Look dude, on one hand you say you want to give her space but on the other hand your ACTIONS come across as if YOU FEEL THAT YOU CAN FIX IT.

DO NOT PUSH HER….

And

I think you need to continue to give her space

Maybe she sees too much of you now? How about a partime during those days off?

Which translated another way means…give her space.

Wait there is more…

So after everyone telling you to GIVE HER SPACE…you post this….

She said she wants to talk about things tonight

At which time you received a lot of great advice about keeping your mouth shut and LISTENING to HER. The only problem I see now is this….

She never said she had something to talk about.

She NEVER DID Want to TALK – YOU DID! How buddy is that giving her space? Wait before you answer…

I have TWO words for YOU CONTROL and FEAR.

You are trying to control this. YOU want her to snap out of it on YOUR timeline – NOT HERS.

And the reason you do is because you are AFRAID of losing her.

Why are you afraid..

She hasn't kissed or told me she loved me in over a week. And she told a friend she didn't think she wanted to be married anymore.

You also said you are a pessimist.
So BC how do you expect to DB this if you are operating under FEAR and trying to CONTROL the sitch?

I hope you are pissed right now…pissed at yourself – cause from where I sit you are F’ing this up. Plain and simple. If you want someone to post some nice lovey dovey stuff and make you feel better – that aint me. I am trying to help you save your M and yourself. I can only so much..

And FTR, you can tell me to go F myself – I won’t take it personally.

I asked my wife if she had a few minutes to talk. I told her I loved her and I noticed that she was being emotionally distant, and if she wanted to talk I was here for her. She started crying. She didn't divulge anything.

IF YOU CAN….read your post up there ^^^^^ . Here is what I see.

You are so afraid of her leaving that you pushed the convo….”I asked her if she had a few minutes to talk”.

Then you try a little groveling and guilt …. “I told her I love her”. I say guilt because IMO, you hope that YOUR LOVE would make HER RUSH through whatever it is that she is dealing with so the YOU (not her) could feel better. IMO, a little selfish.

The you pointed out that she was being emotionally distant…as if she didn’t already know that.

So what does she do…..CRY….I am not her and I have no idea what she may be feeling but look over your post and re-read it.

IMO – SHE NEEDS SPACE

SHE IS AFRAID BECAUSE OF YOUR PAST THAT YOU ARE GONNA FREAK. Pssst..do you think you are proving her WRONG by your actions?

BC – you need to get your emotions under wraps. I can’t nor can anyone else do that for you.

how do i lift her there

How you ask? First do YOU really think that you can and even if I told you the answer would you listen? Seriously….we have said to back off – have you? Okay enough 2x4’s…You know how you lift her there? YOU SHOW HER WITH YOUR ACTIONS ….. AND SHE and only SHE will decide if she wants to follow.

What actions?

RESPECT.

Respect her space. Allow her to go through this crap in HER timeline NOT YOURS.

Show strength. You show this by not “worrying” about IF she will leave of NOT. Ya can’t stop her anyway…

LISTEN – You listen WHEN SHE wants to TALK NOT when you WANT TO.


Can you see what I am trying to say?

Can you see she feels smothered?

Can you see she may feel NOT VALIDATED?

Listen to her words and separate your own FEAR and INSECURITY from HER words.

God Bless,
Eric

[badcompany]

oh crap. when you cut and paste everything like that, i wasn't listening.

hope i didn't blow it

sorry

[badcompany]

i can tell you spent a lot of time on that post too, which makes me feel worse

[Starsky309]

BC

This may piss you off. I think you need to see what I see in your posts.

First off, try not to push to hard. She will talk when she is ready

So do yourself a favor, step back, breath and GAL

And you said to both of us…

so we'll play it by ear and back off a little.

I've made it a habit this week of backing off, but letting her know I was there for her.

She'll pop out of her depression when she's ready...

but do NOT smother her.

Then Kaffe said to you…

You want to support her, but not enable her, yet not smother her...

Are you see a pattern? Wait…there is more..

Look dude, on one hand you say you want to give her space but on the other hand your ACTIONS come across as if YOU FEEL THAT YOU CAN FIX IT.

DO NOT PUSH HER….

And

I think you need to continue to give her space

Maybe she sees too much of you now? How about a partime during those days off?

Which translated another way means…give her space.

Wait there is more…

So after everyone telling you to GIVE HER SPACE…you post this….

She said she wants to talk about things tonight

At which time you received a lot of great advice about keeping your mouth shut and LISTENING to HER. The only problem I see now is this….

She never said she had something to talk about.

She NEVER DID Want to TALK – YOU DID! How buddy is that giving her space? Wait before you answer…

I have TWO words for YOU CONTROL and FEAR.

You are trying to control this. YOU want her to snap out of it on YOUR timeline – NOT HERS.

And the reason you do is because you are AFRAID of losing her.

Why are you afraid..

She hasn't kissed or told me she loved me in over a week. And she told a friend she didn't think she wanted to be married anymore.

You also said you are a pessimist.
So BC how do you expect to DB this if you are operating under FEAR and trying to CONTROL the sitch?

I hope you are pissed right now…pissed at yourself – cause from where I sit you are F’ing this up. Plain and simple. If you want someone to post some nice lovey dovey stuff and make you feel better – that aint me. I am trying to help you save your M and yourself. I can only so much..

And FTR, you can tell me to go F myself – I won’t take it personally.

I asked my wife if she had a few minutes to talk. I told her I loved her and I noticed that she was being emotionally distant, and if she wanted to talk I was here for her. She started crying. She didn't divulge anything.

IF YOU CAN….read your post up there ^^^^^ . Here is what I see.

You are so afraid of her leaving that you pushed the convo….”I asked her if she had a few minutes to talk”.

Then you try a little groveling and guilt …. “I told her I love her”. I say guilt because IMO, you hope that YOUR LOVE would make HER RUSH through whatever it is that she is dealing with so the YOU (not her) could feel better. IMO, a little selfish.

The you pointed out that she was being emotionally distant…as if she didn’t already know that.

So what does she do…..CRY….I am not her and I have no idea what she may be feeling but look over your post and re-read it.

IMO – SHE NEEDS SPACE

SHE IS AFRAID BECAUSE OF YOUR PAST THAT YOU ARE GONNA FREAK. Pssst..do you think you are proving her WRONG by your actions?

BC – you need to get your emotions under wraps. I can’t nor can anyone else do that for you.

how do i lift her there

How you ask? First do YOU really think that you can and even if I told you the answer would you listen? Seriously….we have said to back off – have you? Okay enough 2x4’s…You know how you lift her there? YOU SHOW HER WITH YOUR ACTIONS ….. AND SHE and only SHE will decide if she wants to follow.

What actions?

RESPECT.

Respect her space. Allow her to go through this crap in HER timeline NOT YOURS.

Show strength. You show this by not “worrying” about IF she will leave of NOT. Ya can’t stop her anyway…

LISTEN – You listen WHEN SHE wants to TALK NOT when you WANT TO.


Can you see what I am trying to say?

Can you see she feels smothered?

Can you see she may feel NOT VALIDATED?

Listen to her words and separate your own FEAR and INSECURITY from HER words.

God Bless,
Eric

Pure, solid GOLD, bc -- should you decide to follow it. You are LUCKY to have someone who cares for you enough to tell you like it is, and not just blow smoke up your butt!!

[badcompany]

solid gold indeed

[NASCARDaddy]

Don't worry about it. When you are deep in the weeds it is easy to lose your way even with all the right directions. Eric is good with the 2x4's. He is the one that got me to start looking hard at the fact that I was waiting for people to tell me what I wanted to hear and not what I needed to hear. I am still not even close to perfect at it, but at least he got me thinking in a different direction. He can be a lot of help to you if you just let him.

[badcompany]

I get some really great advice here. Just gonna try to stick to it