she told a friend she doesn't 'know if she wants to be married anymore'
her same friend asked her "did you talk to him about this ?" and she said "not yet. he hasn't tried to kiss me in a few days, not that i want him to"
she told her mother there was no one else. and that she was depressed. when asked about me, W replied, "he's fine. too fine. i feel like we're on different levels in this R and i don't know how to get to his level."
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
she told her mother there was no one else. and that she was depressed. when asked about me, W replied, "he's fine. too fine. i feel like we're on different levels in this R and i don't know how to get to his level."
That is not a good thing to hear. However you deal with it try and lift her to your level; do not try and bring yourself to hers. That is a big mistake I made when things started going bad with my W. She told me about a relationship she had with a guy while in high school where he basically used her for sex and then discarded her. She had been holding on to this guilt for years and told me "I don't think I am worthy of you." My big mistake was that instead of trying to lift her up at that point I told her that I had struggled with pornography during a period during our marriage and basically said "it's okay we all make mistakes." Unfortunately that set her off in exactly the opposite direction I had wanted things to go and she ended up deciding that my sin had made me not worthy of her. So the big advice that I can give is that any time she gives you the chance to talk to her don't lower yourself to where she thinks she is; try and lift her to where she thinks you are.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
And BC, let me say thank you for posting here. Talking to you, along with the advice I am getting from Eric and some others, is helping me as much as I hope it is helping you. We have a chance to help and lift each other and by helping and talking to you I am beginning to feel like I can get through this as well.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Support and encouragement. Subtlety is... an art... that may help you do this...
Praise positive behaviours and ignore negative behaviour and never, never, never... try to teach or suggest...
Watch her... get out of her way, you're in YOUR way, too... and let her grow in positive ways, by supporting and encouraging her as she does... And I say this with the greatest respect to you and your W... as you would, a child...
oh, and don't expect anything from your efforts... because as much as she may achieve "your level"... she may also find her own confidence and move out and on...
That is a good question and one that I cannot entirely answer for you since I don't know your W. I would start by figuring out what her love language is and trying to fill her life with as much love from you as she will let you. Of course this is easier said then done. Try performing little acts of service for her is my first suggestion. I don't know if this is against the 37 rules or not but try paying her a complement or two every day. And like KC said, don't have any expectations of her.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Oh and remember that there is only so much that you can do. She has to decide that she wants to be where you are before you can lift her up. Otherwise it will just be another source of friction in your R. Focus on the things which you can control, which is yourself.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
