Should I initiate R talk?

[Arsene]

Hi MrBond,

I don't need advice. I'm just journalling, I guess. keeping track of my feelings and my thoughts.

Today's been a bit weird. It turns out the owner of D8's school called my W in to have a chat this morning.

By the time I got back home from my meditation class and my C, wife was here and she was pretty angry (for once, not at me). apparently, the owner of the school tried to convince her (bully her) into going back to her family. He's apparently a qualified psychologist, yet his "techniques" included telling W that under the laws of this country, she would get the child and that she was unable to support D8 therefore she should just come back to the couple. Other Psychology "techniques" included using guilt to force her back and even going so far as to tell her that I was in tears while i told him about the fact that we were separated (which I was not). He also tried to bully her by saying that if she didn't come back to me, that the deal about the partnership was not going to happen.

Of course W was upset, and frankly, so was I but while she went on about this guy, I remembered that this is the kind of nosy attitude that had got to me a few years ago when I was going through my depression. People not minding their business and coming into your home to tell you how to live your life. I validated her but I also told her that this is what was to be expected in this part of the country and that she probably shouldn't take it too personally. I'm sure he had the best of intentions but just went at it the wrong way. she agreed and we had a laugh about it.

One thing she said that struck me was that she was tired of every one telling her what she should do. She expressed that many people have told her that she was not justified doing what she was doing and that she should go back to her couple. That I was not as bad as she had told them. She said that she felt that everyone put in question her decision and that this made her feel stupid. She said that she wasn't stupid and that she had put a lot of thought into this decision and that her actions were based on her perspective. She wondered why no one understood that and why they had to undermine her decision. I validated without giving my opinion on this.

The rest of the afternoon went very well and we had a good time. I felt strong after my meditation and my C so I was able to be friendly and pleasant and we had a good laugh over all.
There was no R talk and I still felt some distance but at least, she feels comfortable enough to spend some time with me. I didn't follow her around, in fact i just sat in the living room playing guitar and she's the one who came around, offering me a cup of coffee and sitting by me.
I felt great because for some reasons, I didn't feel needy or pushy. The meditation seems to be working.

BTW, my C told me that W had complained about being emotionally abused when she saw her a few years ago but that after hearing my side of the story, C thought that maybe W was being a bit selfish and behaving like a kid having a tantrum.

I don't really know what to make of all of this. This is a country where women get beaten regularly, where a man can have up to 4 wives and he can force them to wear a scarf and to stay at home. A country where women have little or no voice yet, my W who always had my support, and who was able to pursue her career as a singer, working in bars until the wee hours of the morning, who was allowed, no, encourage to speak her opinion freely and who was respected and treated as an equal apparently said I was abusing her emotionally. Frankly, I thought about it, and spoke to a friend about this tonight and we both think that this is insane. He knows that I have always respected her and he's been a good friend of the family since the beginning. In his opinion, this is re-writing history. I also thought the same thing but being involved as i am, thought that maybe i wa missing something but now i don't think so. Even the C thought that this couldn't be after having met me a few times and hearing my side of the story.

I'm aware that it does take two to tango and as i said earlier, I do accept my lion's share of the responsibility, and I have worked/am working on that very seriously but i really don't think that me being a husband who didn't quite know how to love his wife equates t emotional abuse. i have never called her names, swore at her or treated her without respect. I have used guilt to manipulate her (subconsciously), I have critisized her and I have been impatient. I have also been angry about other events in her company, but very rarely has this anger been towards her (if at all). I have tried to fix things instead of being supportive with no expectation of a specific outcome and i have often discussed a point until I was right. Mea Culpa. I guess if all of this constitutes emotional abuse I am guilty.

I imagine that taken out of context, without all of the good things in our relationship, this might do the trick but there were so many good, happy moments in our relationship that I sincerely don't think so.

That's it for now.