Interpretation of MWD and DR regarding infidelity

[Denver_2010]

Zig ….you asked…

are you guys saying that if you had the opportunity to get the inside scoop on what was really really going on with your spouses, you would just refuse to hear about it? that's not a question directed only to you starsky, but to everyone

This question is posed, at least my interpretation, which could be wrong – as a Yes or No answer and I do not believe that exposure is a yes or no answer. Way too many variable to factor in and as each sitch is different and each person is different a “what works for you is the best answer”.

That said, here are my thoughts….

IF the LBS can handle it and not go off the F’ing deep end, which provide the WAS with additional “reasons”, then I think knowing is a good thing. You would at least know what you are faced with and can respond accordingly i.e. tailor your DB approach.

IF the LBS cannot handle it then I think it may have a negative effect on both the LBS and the WAS. I have seen LBS pass out, become suicidal, etc. which IMO, may have been avoided IF they focused on themselves, faced the fear that they had and THEN found out.


As for me personally, I snooped found out and was NOT at a place where I could have handled it – If I would do it all over again, I would focused more on ME, MY issue AND THEN snooped and taken the appropriate action i.e. hard boundaries, etc.

The notion of “finding out” is a very delicate topic….it’s weird it is almost a chicken or the egg scenario. I needed to grow a set before I confronted; however, confronting help me (in a small way) grow a set. Make sense?

Popcorn so early in the moring Eric??

Maybe I misinterpreted this question by Zig. I have a tendency to quickly read through these posts these days and do absolutely no editing of my own posts

Let me expand on my answer. YES, I wanted to know the truth about my W's R with OM. She was very honest and upfront with me about it when we sat down and had dinner in Feb of 11, after about 6 weeks of very little contact. It hurt like a SOB and I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom so W did not see me cry. Spent that entire night awake, by myself, banging my fists on the floor, and crying. It was horrible.

But I was glad that she was honest with me.

From that time through Jan... the last time that I really had to deal with the OM issue... There were other times when W was brutally honest with me about not being done with R. There were times when she omitted the truth and I busted her on it because my instincts had told me to snoop/verify... whatever you want to call it. But she would be brutally honest when I confronted. But I wanted to know the truth. Yes.

During times when we worked on piecing or towards piecing, W and I had multiple conversations about her R with OM. I think that we needed to discuss it because it was important for me, for us, to understand why that had happened. It was important to understand what OM had given to W that I hadn't. It was important for me to understand. And it was important for W and I to understand so that we could decide if our M was capable of providing that for her.

Again, she was brutally honest. We went to a M retreat in March and I remember one particular conversation. It was about emotional intimacy and how it affects physical intimacy. You can imagine that this was not a pleasant conversation for me to have with my W. But I learned so much about her from that conversation.... and... we are not enjoying the fruits of what I learned. But it was horrible at the time.

I still have flashbacks to all of these brutal truth moments. I'm pretty sure that I have PTSD from it all. I mean that. But it was all so important to the progress of my situation. I would not deny them.

BUT... I never, ever, ever, want specifics on the physical part of it. Never. My imagination is probably worse than the actual truth, but I don't need to take the chance that I am wrong. And there simply is no reason to have that conversation.